Goodbye.

"Nothing of Particular Importance" has helped me a lot in the last few months. When I couldn't make sense of situations, it helped me rationalize my thoughts. When I didn't even know what I was thinking, it made me dig out the thoughts underneath. It has gave me a place to rant went things were not ok.

It's not like things are ok now. Things still aren't dandy. But I don't think this blog can help anymore. In fact, it is causing more trouble than it is doing to help. As a result, this is the last post for "Nothing of Particular Importance".

COMMENTS ON TOPICS DISCUSSED

In the last post, I have decided to first make some comments on some of the topics I have discussed in the last few months. Some things have changed, most things haven't....

The talking trees: The trees don't talk to me as much anymore these days. My favourite one still speaks to me occasionally, though, especially when I stop for awhile in front of him. Yup, quite an attention-seeker, that one. The other day, I walked past it, and it didn't have many words for me. It was more of a "Hi, long time no see" sort of thing.

Knitting: "Knitting is a potential for disaster. Why run straight into clearly going to be a disaster? .... Because it feels good" (May, 30). View still stands. Although, before, it was more... knit because it feels good. Feeling good overcompensates for the potential disaster. Now, it's more that all activities, even non-knitting ones, are disastrous. Hence, one might as well knit. At least it feels good.

What you don't know won't hurt you: View still stands, 100%. Things told in confidence, things that I accidentally find out and that I probably shouldn't know, things that I overhear... all that sort of stuff, just keep it inside. Just pretend all's good, all's dandy. That's the way.

The Chemical: Over the last few months, a lot of it has evaporated. Very recently, though, some of it has condensed back into the pot. Overall, though, the concentration of the chemical in the pot is decreasing. It helps that Bounce is being fed in the pot too. That helps with the decreasing of The Chemical.

August 4 Post: View still stands, 100%.

Fish has learnt to how to breathe a little out of water now. Still hasn't completely evolved a new respiratory system yet so it can permanently live out of water, but it's learning. It can stay out of water for longer periods of time now. Not discouraged, though - evolution takes billions of years.

Monsters Under the Bed: Monsters still there, dagger still there. Monsters still under the bed, daggers have been put aside. Whatever.

Alternate writing style: Doesn't work, too hard.

Rightio. That's it for the commenting on previous issues. Now... for some...

INSPIRATION FROM MY CLEVER HOUSEMATES

Housemate A (to Housemate B): You can't tell me who to love.
Housemate B: Oh yes you can!! Regina George says so!
Me: Who's Regina George?
Housemate B: Regina George is from 'Mean Girls'.
Me: I see. Some quote Aristotle, others quote 'Mean Girls'.
Housemate B: I can quote Aristotle! "The law is reason free from passion".
Me: Righhhhhhht....... I wonder where you got that from.
Housemate A: It wasn't Regina George that said that love thing, it was Regina George's friend.
Housemate B: Yes, but they were all in the same circle, under Regina George. So she is like a delegate of Regina George.
Me: So it's Confucius's disciples saying some of Confucius's beliefs, it's still "Confucius says"...
Housemate B: Exactly.
*Note: To those who are not chick-flick maniacs, or to those that do not live with chick-flick maniacs, the quote was from "Legally Blonde".

My housemates are great. Special shout out to the one that will be leaving us soon. We love you and unnamed person EQUALLY AND DIFFERENTLY =P

FINAL OTHER UNCONNECTED THOUGHTS

- Congratulations to someone for obtaining 2nd interview!
- To N201 girls: Always remember to 享受人生, in both ways =P
- If you want free food, help people study. They tend to reward you with chocolates, biscuits, ice cream, and the lot.
- I much prefer phone to email. If possible, please use the former to contact me (exception: overseas contacts... don't worry I do not expect phone calls!). MSN and Facebook are fine, but obviously for slightly different purposes than phone, email.
- Do not trust your own judgment of someone. Listen to friends. If you don't, you will regret it. You will see that they are right.
- Always pretend all's good, all's dandy. Too much of a hassle to explain otherwise.

Rightio, this concludes "Nothing of Particular Importance".

Thanks for reading, pallies!

No More Sympathies.

Eyes do widen when people are surprised.

Found out some things just now that I'm probably not meant to find out. Something called... "the other side of the story". Hearing too much, too long, from one side. Unfortunately, this changes everything. No more sympathies from this direction. BAD LUCK, mate.

On other note, I must be missing Hui Ling. Chia, that is (sorry, 许慧玲, if you happen to read this =P). Saw at least three different people today that I thought was her. It's like when I first moved here from high school, everyone I saw I thought was someone from high school. Anyway, I know you don't read this often, mate, but just need to tell you that you're FANNNNNTASTIC. Always have been, and always will. India's lucky. =P

Back to the first thing I was talking about. AS A RESULT. ALL THINGS WILL CHANGE. Today is a NEW DAY. November is a NEW MONTH. No more NONSENSE. Going to start with study. Already achieved yesterday's Goal 1. Going to lib now, will finish Goal 2, come home, eat dinner, and... um.. watch TV or something. But, point being, goals will be completed.

No more nonsense. And, above all, no more sympathies coming from my direction.

Halloween Nightmare.

I woke up this morning crying. Head was pounding, the world was spinning. No exaggerations here. I finally understand the meaning of head pounding.

Nightmare of being chased through buildings. Nightmare where despite my greatest efforts, I was eventually caught.

I can tell it's going to be a great day.

Happy November, all.

Halloween, '07 - Part II

Trick-or-treaters just caused me to jump out of my skin now. I literally whimpered like a dog.

Goals were not achieved. Didn't even try. Punishment will follow.

I quote from "Californication":
Girl: "Daddy, are you ok?"
Hank: "No, honey... but I'm working on it."
Unfortunately Hank's messed up life continues. Oh well. It has to. Otherwise, there would be no show right?

I want rules. I can take the monsters. Let's implement the rules again.

---
Note: No sarcasm used in this post.

Cannot Cope.

Not anymore.

Had coffee with a friend this morning. It was really good catching up, had a really stimulating conversation that made me think. I will continue thinking about it when I'm more awake.

At the moment though, I have more pressing issues to worry about. Everywhere I go I need to be on the look-out now. Libraries are strictly off-limits. Can stay at home only if locked in my room and make zero noise. Maybe I'll sleep in my car tonight.

Someone(s) lied for me today. Thanks - a lot. I couldn't handle it today.

Halloween, '07.

I was told I motivate myself through wanting to avoid negative results/consequences rather than through wishing for positive results/consequences. Not sure if that's true. Could be. "Good", is too high of a standard to achieve. And, I strongly dislike punishment.

Goals for today, to prevent aimless wandering:
- Summarize all PDC lecture notes.
- Re-read all PDC tutes.
Punishment will result if goals are not achieved.

I have worked out why I'm not getting enough sleep these days. Lectures have finished, and thus, I am getting approx. 2 less hours of sleep everyday (i.e. 4 lecs a day, if asleep for half, then that's 2 hours a day). Hmm.. maybe I should get more of the lecture recordings off Tuan and listen to them every night. No nightmares last night, though. That's good. Nightmares tonight though. Halloween, right?

Interesting quote of the morning: "If all goes well this morning, you should see me on Gmail". Currently 9:37am, mate. Awaiting your grand entrance.

8-day.

Told someone that I had an 8-day today. They messaged me later and told me they were raelly happy for me. That actually meant a lot. A lot a lot. Thanks, mate.

Oh, and just for your information, 10 min before the day was over, I remembered our lil random act thing, so I quickly whipped out my phone and sms-ed someone to tell them that I reckon they're pretty awesome. Hope you didn't forget, matey!!

Got heaps of work done this morning/afternoon. Also had an extraordinarily filling lunch. And a very good and relaxing evening. =)

Tomorrow, I can already forsee being used again. Sighhhhh. The things I do for people. I shake my head every time I think about it. But hey, that's tomorrow.

Today, on the other hand, is 8-day. Yayyyy.

Oct 28, '07

According to my clever housemate, listening to the opera boosts your brain activity. As a result, I am looking for a kind volunteer to call me up for about five minutes every night and sing to me, opera-style. Just for the next three weeks or so. Until exams end. Any applications from Ms Beyonce Yee will be automatically rejected. =D

It's really handy living so close to coursemates. Can just wander over at 11:30pm and borrow notes.

I've found a potentially new stress-relieving device. The wii. I've never actually played it before. Watched some people play it today, though. Lots of games - bowling, tennis, whatever. This boxing game was rather interesting. Apparently, the electronic sensor vibrates when you "hit/box" someone. This could be potentially rather stress-relieving. A rather expensive device, though. And, it's not something I find very fun at all. Guess I'll stick to apple throwing in Princes Park for now.

Appreciating people that tell me they don't get it. Because, those that think they get it when they clearly don't are just irritating. If you think I'm talking about you, I'm not. Cuz, this time, those which I am directing this to are ones I am almost completely certain don't read this blog.

Raising voices is GREAT. I love it. We're doing that quite a bit in our house right now. Our house seriously cracks me up.

There is a conversation I must have in the near future. Not particularly feeling like having it. But, third time I'm doing it, though, in the last year or so, so not a worry. I probably have a routine now, as ridiculous as it is. Seriously don't know how I get myself into these situations.

Apparently I have a new undercover secret blog reader. GOOD EVENING, SIR!! =D. Hope you are enjoying "mutual friend". =D

Deepest sympathies go out to Ms. My-Car-Windows-Got-Smashed-Today. Hope all works out.

Housemate is deciding that undressing in the kitchen is the new way to go. Fannnntastic.

2 Goals.

I have set two goals for the next few weeks:

- Goal 1: Get over 80% in bionano.
- Goal 2: Get over 90% in process dynamics.

THAT'S RIGHT. H1 is NOT good enough. NO WAY, man.

Any normal person reading this will think I'm insane. One of those nerds, you know. H1 isn't good enough. Need to get 100, that sort.

However. It's not like that at all. I'm not one of those that stay in the Ballileu till 3am. In fact, I haven't even begun studying for exams. It's more that these goals might give me focus. Make me feel like I'm going somewhere, or have somewhere to go. To stop wandering around aimlessly.

Hence these ridiculous goals. Hmmm. In fact, I think the 80% for bionano is harder than the 90% in process. But, whatever.

Nevertheless, I still think I only need to study for about two hours a day. Only 2 exams, spread out so evenly that it's insane. Studying more than that will be detrimental. There was a law about this. Law of diminishing returns or something. Some economics thing I learnt in high school.

Fannnntastic.

On another note, I have decided to redefine the word "good". From now on, when I say good, I am going by the following definition:
Good = anything that will not lead to disastrous outcomes.

I have been engaging in many good activities. Although the unnamed activities may be considered also as ridiculous, absent-minded, dangerous, not sensible, aimless - they are all, according to the new definition, GOOD.

Fannnntastic.

All's good, all's dandy.

---

P.S. Please try to sense the sarcasm in the appropriate places of this post. THANKS.

Insights From Yesterday

- Victorian police are great. Love them. Really nice people. You should go and have a chat with them if you have nothing better to do.
- Do not SMS people when you feel like you want to kill someone. You will regret it.
- Received 3 fines in the last 3 days. Terrific.

Now to move on to the other side of the 1:1 balance:

- Got to use a breathalyser. Never done that before. Always wondered how they worked - how long you had to breathe in for, etc. Interesting.
- Got a H1 on assignment that we were supposed to spend 4 weeks working on that I did in 3 days.
- Someone let me throw things around their room last night. Perhaps the most helpful thing anyone did yesterday. Thanks, mate.

1:1

All this think positive stuff is too difficult for me. Going to do a 1:1 thing. 1 positive for every negative. Will be slightly easier.

-ve: Oliver got hurt last night. Nothing major, but he was crying last night and I woke up to him crying this morning too.
+ve: Jia Hui made good baked pasta last night. "Meet the boyfriend" night was interesting.

-ve: Almost no sleep last night.
+ve: 9 hours of sleep the night before.

-ve: ExxonMobil lady called just now and I was in a very distressed state. Didn't make a good impression at all.
+ve: She had very good news for me.

-ve: $@@*(&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+ve: Struggling to think of a positive for this. But I will. It'll come.

1:1.

Balance is good.

!!!!*@($&*(#@&(!!!!!!!!

Stop asking me for advice. I'm messed up.

Unless you want me to mess you up too, go ask someone else. It's for your own good.

---

You are choosing to pretend that all things are good. You are choosing to pretend that all things are dandy. That's how you're choosing to roll.

Fine, I can deal with it.

Secretly, though, in my head, I am yelling.
Secretly, behind the calm face, I am cursing.
Secretly, I am wanting to throw something at you every time I see you walk by.

Should've gone with my gut feeling ages ago.
Should've turned around when I saw the mess that lay ahead.
Should've listened to the people that warned me what was going to happen.

Whatever. That's the past. It's too late now. It's cool, though. I can pretend. I can act. All's good, all's dandy.

Except that I won't trust you ever again.

Happy Week 12.

No classes tomorrow. Classes on Friday cancelled. It is Week 12. Third year uni classes - complete.


Apparently I'm going to marry Char's boyfriend on an oil rig. Sounds like a plan.

Tonight's plans cancelled.

Good stuff cont...

I have further good stuff to add to the list from today:

- Housemates crack me up. Seriously. Looking through my housemate's room's door, with her desk crowded with serious looking law-related coursework (thick binders, textbooks, papers underlined and hilighted everywhere) - clearly belonging to a serious student... and then housemate just sitting there, in front of her glowing pink laptop, merrily watching and singing to "Stupid Cupid" by Mandy Moore.
- Afternoon well-spent "having a cuppa", as someone nicely put it, sitting on the grass at uni, under the warm sunshine, watching people slowly wander by.
- Made a killer fish dish for dinner. Watch out, people, 22/21 Lytton St can do more than beef rice now.

Laughter is good. Laughing more this semester than last semester. Thanks, Char. =)

Good stuff.

Wrote something else just now. Decided not to post it. Not appropriate. Sigh.

Remembering Dad's recommendation of writing something positive everyday, especially if things aren't fine and dandy. Something about the power of the mind. Felix 2 is shortly going to recommend me some other things as well. In the meantime, I will stick to the positive thinking:

- CU dinner last night was fantastic. Good to catch up with everyone. There were some rather funny speeches as well.
- Made a few people genuinely laugh today. Forgot how that felt like. Haven't heard the words "You're funny" in a very long time. Of course, I realize that by funny, they meant lame. But I like lame. Lame is good. =)
- 2 subjects down. Feeling very relaxed now uni-wise - should be a relaxed SWOTVAC and exam period.
- Fully slept (and dreamed) in my 8am class today, which is not good, but actually stayed awake in the 11am class. It was the last Process Dynamics class ever. I actually liked that class. Funny lecturer.
- Fast bike rides on chilly mornings can do a lot. I highly recommend.
- Someone called this morning to check that I was alive. Not that they thought I had literally stopped breathing. Those were the words they used though. It is nice when people notice things.
Some of the contents of the MUCESS magazines were rather funny this year. Perhaps the readers of this blog may not agree. Us chemical engineering students thought they were funny though. Yes, we're lame =) Some exercepts:

You know you're a chemical engineer if:
- You can size a distillation column in your head, but need a pencil and paper to figure the tip on a $45 restaurant bill.
- You stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
- You'd really like to have a T-shirt that says "Chemical Engineers Do It In Fluidised Beds".

Female engineers...
- Don't think of male engineers as dorks.
- Are the only ones smart enough to enter into a field that is 95% male.
- Have used nail polish remover for more than just removing nail polish.
- Know the value of hairspray's flammable properties.

Haha. I like the last one. Careful of that hairspray. Dangerous stuff.

Would like say a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to two people today - my I-would-like-to-marry-my-lasagne-HOUSEMATE, and to my I-read-comics-at-work-and-talk-nonsense-on-MSN-BUDDY. Hope your day rocks. =)

Think positive. Or don't think at all. Better than the third alternative.

Good stuff.

The Battlefield.

I am tired of having eggs thrown at. Tired of it, sick of it, just bridge-built OVER it.

I guess I should blame myself. I mean, think about it. How come most people have yolk-free faces?

One reason is that some people are clever. They have skill. They have shields that prevent eggs from splattering onto their faces. Their dodging abilities are sensational - their bodies can jump, flex, do whatever is required when millions of eggs come flying their way.

Others, like me, are not that skilled. Thus, they choose to position themselves in less obvious places. Not get themselves in the front line, not be such open targets. In fact, most, in this category, choose to walk off the egg-throwing battlefield.

Why don't I do this? Why don't I walk away? The problem is, it's an important battle I'm fighting, and one which I am counted on. No, not trying to be cocky or arrogant. I am counted on not because I am particularly skilled. No outstanding intellect either, nothing like that at all. But for certain reasons, I am needed. Thus, in the battlefield I stay.

That doesn't mean that I'm not sick of having eggs thrown at, though. It doesn't mean that the eggs don't hurt.

---

P.S. Completely off topic - but if anyone has a thin blanket they can lend me for a week or so, that would be greatly appreciated. Having trouble sleeping because of the hot weather. Thanks.

Cooking Lesson.

UNBELIEVABLE.

SERIOUSLY. How difficult is it to cook an egg??

Look, we're NOT asking for a fancy salmon and mushroom omlette. Don't even have to scramble it. Just chuck in some oil, crack the thing open, and FRY THE THING. If you can't do that, then HARD-BOIL IT. Don't tell me now you don't know how to boil water.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE. SERIOUSLY.

If you REALLY can't do ANY of that, then store the eggs in the fridge, and wait for someone to come home and cook it for you. If that's not going to happen, THROW IT IN THE BIN.

Just don't throw the eggs.

Stop throwing the eggs.

It's wasteful.

It hurts.

Oct 18, '07

Good EVENING, ALL!!!!!!!

Yes, I do realize that it is currently Oct 19, not Oct 18. But, will be writing about Oct 18, hence the title of the post.

Woke up this morning (i.e. yesterday morning) feeling FANNNNNNTASTIC. Not sure what got into me. Must be sniffing too much of housemate's mountain dew. Makes people a bit insane.

Work was not interesting today. HOWEVER. I am QUITE the peptide weigher. If anyone needs peptides weighed up to 0.1mg accuracy, please do not hesitate to call 0411 363 296. 24 hour service. Almost as good as Sydney Services. HI CHAR. How are the DUMPS and MASSAGES going??

Timmy's been causing me quite a lot of hassle. Went missing yesterday, fell on the ground today and injured himself. Hence, I left him at uni, will deal with him tomorrow.
*Note: To all those who may think otherwise, Timmy is not a person.

Witnessed a car crash today. Was on the phone, hearing about some burnt pasta antics when I saw a car run right into the side of another car when attempting a U-turn. Not pleasant.

Had a rather nonsensical conversation tonight. Happens quite a bit when both parties are in a good mood. Amongst all the nonsense, there were some interesting points. Apparently, and I quote, "people are too complicated for their own good", and thus, "everyone should just go back to the good old days of living in caves". Also, according to this oh-so-wise-and-intelligent-someone, hindsight is worth all the jewels in the world. If people can have it before things happen. =D GOOD STUFF, MATE. I should read more comic books too.

Speaking of hindsight. Doesn't seem to work for me. Hasn't been, anyway. Oh well. Guess it correlates with the fact that I'm not too into jewellery. In the hindsight is worth jewels sense. Besides, no need to take jewellery too seriously.

Weekend coming. YAAAYYY!! Plans for weekend? Doncaster-ing Saturday. Armadal-ing Sunday. GOOD STUFF.

GOOD NIGHT, WACKY SIGHTS! =D

Flashback.

I often wonder why I don't give up on people. On nights like these, I remember why: everyone else has already given up - someone must hold on.

Had a flashback this evening. the same look. The same words. The same feelings.

Not good. Not good at all.

Oct 17, '07

Losing my memory. Thought I lost my bike today. Went outside, and it wasn't there. Didn't think it was likely someone managed to steal it off a tree. Thought I must've misplaced it. Was quite a task, going through my brain and attempting to remember where I went in the last few days. Apparently it was missing for two days and I only just noticed. Found it eventually, though. Just as well, because someone needed it this afternoon.

Went to Balwyn today. Interesting experience.

Conversation with Mr. Zackeroo.

Correct. I only made a post a couple of hours ago. But had a conversation just now that I feel is very post-worthy. In fact, I don't think I've ever posted a conversation up before. It's a first.

---

Zack: life is good?

me: thats a bit too much to ask. life is average.
yourself?

Zack: HAAH
LIFE IS GREAT
always living XXL
the only way I know how

me: xxl?

Zack: extra extra large

me: hahaha
yeah
i figured
hmm
interesting phrase

Zack: HA
w americans...weird bunch

me: righhhht. just BLAME IT ON YOUR COUNTRY
tsk tsk

Zack: HAHA
and I guess my mom :P
I've learned attitude is key in this life
sometimes you gotta trick yourself into looking at the positive, the mind is a strange beast

me: hm
and how do u trick urself into looking at the positive?
i aint too good at that zackeroo
mind not easily tricked

Zack: haha, make T chart, with the positives on one side and the negatives on the other
+ usually outweighs the negative. And if it doesn't, then you start making things up...
+1) I can breath fresh air +2) I can feel the water on my feet at the beach. here is one we both share...+3) I have Char in my life +4) I have a great job lined up for Exxon-Mobile +5) I live in a warm country+6) I can afford a computer to type on +7) I have seen more countries and sites than most people will ever see in their lives +8) I have two loving parents and friends that care +9) I can learn something new everyday +10) I can smile anytime I want...it is free!

me: awww zackman, you're awesmoe

Zack: +11) There is music in the world...and if you don't like it, create your own :)
AHHA, thanks dude, but the secret is....
you gotta realize YOU are as well
we are all capable of greatness and despair, it is just which side we choose to focus on and feed

me: how do you 'feed' greatness?

Zack: 1) surround yourself with positive role models 2) Learn as much as you can 3) Laugh often 4) blow off steam by playing sports 5) Help someone everyday 6) eat healthy so you feel good about yourself
7) Think of those who are not as fortunate as you are
8) Look fondly on the past
9) embrace the present, it is a gift
10) and look to the future with youthful optimism and excitement
These are all positivist human ideas I subscribe to. No religion in particular, just what seems to work for me and others
Be the best you can be, smile and the world will smile back
tell Char I said HIIIII

me: hahahaa....
thanks zack
you're a natural encourager
sleep well
KEEP SMILING

Zack: always Kei, Talk soon homie, BYE!!

me: BYE

Zack: OH yeah, one more. You have a skill in Chemical Engineering that more than half the world does not understand. Never forget you have abilities and attributes that no one else has...like HUMOR. You are unique and people will love you for it. Just stay strong during the dark days, and always know that we come out of those dark periods. They make all the positive days all the more sweet. Peace cousin.
---

A positive for today: Often times, when I'm not having a high-flying day, someone usually saves it. Be it a phone call, an email, a surprise visit, whatever. Today, it's Mr. Zackeroo. Thanks, matey. =)

Oct 16, '07

Good thing Ollie isn't keen on monsters. Too cool for that sort of stuff. Frank called today to ask about Ollie. Had nothing but good things to say to him.

Need. To. Stay. Awake. Really. Was told that maybe I am not eating enough red meat. Hmmmm. Should go and buy sausages for brekkie tomorrow.

Think of the one person who you would have died without this year/month/recent times. Or, in less exaggerated terms, the one person, who if was not around, would've made your life many times crappier. Then, go buy them a present. These people are rare.

If anyone knows the If-then-else function on the macros in Excel, feel free to share and care.

October 14, '07.

Another attempt in being crystal clear:

Had a lot to do this weekend. But been rather sleepy. Got a lot of sleep today. In fact, took a 3-hour nap in the afternoon. Still ready for bed, though.

Supposed to be doing these two assignments due mid-week. Instead, I still haven't started. I took a nap, as previously mentioned, then visited some friends in the afternoon, spent the evening, under the order and direction of my enthusiastic little sis, campaigning for Barb by mass spamming MSN and Facebook, and then just came home from visiting another friend. It Uni steadily lowering itself on the priority list - a recent trend.

About campaigning. That's an interesting thing. I received an email today from a friend, ending with the following Postscript:
"Once you've taken a break, can I hire you as my campaign manager when I run for inter-galactic President next year? The inhabitants of Jupiter are a little picky and I need someone to persuade them thatchoosing me will not lead to an apocalyptic disaster :)"
It has been good fun campaigning for Barb. Learnt a lot of random facts and had some good laughs with some people's replies. Got in touch with some people that I haven't talked to in quite awhile, too, which is good. Hardest thing, though, was probably having to sound so enthusiastic all the time in the emails.

Distractions are good.

The bizarre, random things that each day brings.

Seriously. Quite a lot, today.

Fell in love. His name's Oliver. He's handsome, he's cute. On top of good looks, he's powerful and hardworking. An important fact - he loves me too. The only problem is, Oliver is an inanimate object. Hmmm.

Random phone calls one receives. Just about ready to go to bed and person that never calls me randomly calls, freaking out on the other end. Quite interesting. Everyone needs someone who will listen to them.

Bizarre, unexplainable occurences that one hears about. Sometimes, it's better that you know what's going on. Most times, you don't want to know.

What next? Fibrils exploding?

Bizarre. Random. Makes things interesting.

---
PS. The non-metaphor writing style is not going well. Too tired to write the other way. Consumes too much brainpower. Will save those for days I have hours of free time at hand.

Drought Alleviation.

Someone told me that it's ok. Victoria's in drought. It's not ok, but at least I'm helping alleviate it.

Some people take shorter showers. Others install water tanks. Still others use recycled toilet water.

What do I do to help the drought?

I wake up.
I walk along the street.
I look at my computer screen.
I sit silently.
I breathe.

October 6, '07

Things learnt/remembered/re-emphasized today:
- Car dealers - tricky, tricky people.
- Han Gook Guan (Korean restaurant on Victoria St) - where not to be anonymous.
- Koko Black - mint martini.... "yumsters".

Too tired to write in more transparent language today. That'll do for now.

Abcdefg.

An Alternate Writing Style.

This, I imagine, will be a rather long post.

This blog has caused a lot of problems. The problems have lie in me and my writing style. Frequent readers will know that write in metaphors, and speak without naming names, on the whole. Or, if names are required, I will make up a name. Unfortunately, my writing style is not compabibile with some of my reader's reading style. Posts are often misinterpretted. As a result, I was going to stop blogging.

The thing is though, writing is very helpful to me, because, as I have said before, it focuses my mind into realizing what I am thinking. Additionally, the people that apparently like reading my bog discouraged me to stop blogging. Various pieces of advice was given - to password-protect the blog, or to try a different writing style that is less ambiguous and have the potential to cause conflict, for example. I tried putting in a password this morning - unfortunately, it wouldn't work, even after multiple attempts. Thus, for now, I will stick to an alternate writing style. I don't know how it will work. Chances are, it might be even worse. I'll give it a shot anyway.

I thought I would start by trying to describe my past 12 hours or so.

I was not feeling well last night. In fact, at one point, I threw a mug at my wall. It broke and hurt my hand. No, I do not do this all the time. But last night, I was not feeling good. I tried dealing with it myself. But I couldn't. The more I looked at it, the more I couldn't fix it. I decided to call up a friend. Couldn't get through to that friend, so I called another. It proved to be quite a helpful phone call, because as a result, I was calmed down and I was able to fix up the hand problem.

I was quite tired by the end of all of it, though, and hence was not able to review my prac report due today. This morning, when going through it, I realized I hadn't completed the drawings. In a slight frenzy, I quickly drew it all out, ended up getting to work late. Fortunately, though, I had finished most of the things I have to do at work yesterday, so being a bit late is probably ok.

This morning, things were not ok. I know talking helps, so I tried calling people, but the words just didn't come out.

In general, though, things are improving. I feel it. A few months ago, I could only remember looking forward to two things. Now, I can think of more:
1. Mum coming tomorrow.
2. Car shopping.
3. Seeing Aunty Wing again soon.
4. End of Week 12.
5. Starting ExxonMobil job.

Dad gave me a suggestion yesterday. He said to deliberately write a sentence or two everyday on a positive note. He says that if we think and believe in something, it will happen - it is the power of the brain. While I don't completely agree quite to that extent, I do know that thoughts play a large role on how we act, and hence indirectly what will happen.

So, walking to work today, I decided to think of the things I was most thankful for right that second. I was thankful for sunshine. I was thankful for family. The sun made me smile this morning. Family never leaves.

I'm not sure how this post will turn out. Usually, I would write the whole thing as a metaphor. Now, it is crystal clear.

Enough is enough.

I've had it with this NONSENSE. Ridiculous. Insane. NONSENSE.

#$*(&&$#*(&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish things could be like how they used to be. Stupid wish, I know.

Just walk away. Not caring anymore. Not just saying it this time. Just GO. Why fix something that worths nothing? Why care about something that doesn't matter?

Right. Don't not wanting to talk to the world anymore. As of the next few days, this blog will be password protected.

Farewell, readers.

Mind-boggling.

Some things are just mind-boggling. Let's see...

Ordering the same dish at the same restaurant three-times consecutive, still being fully amazed at the wondrous effects it has on the tastebuds.

Bumping into a stranger on the street, then shrieking at a pitch unimaginable to man (or woman), fully scaring the stranger more than the initial scare from the bump.

Being a guest at someone's house, and insisting that they move over in their own bed to make room for you, and, as if that is not enough, upon jumping into it, deciding to roll around and leave kilograms of sand all over it.

Yes, some things boggle my mind. Makes nights like this interesting.

Oct 2, '07

I've been told quite a lot recently that I'm a good friend. Just because I send an email a day to various people on my contact list to ask them to vote for someone to be torch bearer in the '08 Olympics. Takes five minutes, max. If only that's really all it took to be a good friend. Hmm.

Most people that read this blog already know about the Olympics thing. If for some reason I neglected to email you, vote at:
http://pub1.chinadaily.com.cn/olympics/torch/members.shtml?mid=149

It is in the Chinese culture to value family highly. Amongst all the celebrations of the last week, this was really hilighted, with all the heartfelt speeches made by various family members.

I've been asked by various classmates why I am always sleeping in class. I actually didn't realize I sleep that much. Yesterday, I made a conscious effort to stay awake in one of my classes, and noticed no one in the first five rows or so were sleeping. How that is possible is beyond me. I'm not concerned though. I am doing fine. Isn't it that sleep helps you absorb information anyway?

QLD is the sunshine state. NSW has the well-renowned opera house. But there's a reason VIC is "The Place to Be".

Sup, dawg?

I learnt today that cat urine glows in the dark. Not sure whether or not this is true, but such a phenomenon would never even be dreamt up for dogs. You see, glittering bodily fluids would just be too far-out for dogs. Dogs you see, are down-to-earth, loyal beings. They're comforting and warm.

Of course, this is a generalization. For example, I know of a Maltese that brings the word "shriek" to a whole new level. This Maltese is a rather easily excitedly little creature, always ready to pounce on whoever and whatever is in sight. In fact, the motivations behind many of the dog's interactions is often questionable.

Malteses aside, most dogs are warm and friendly. I know of a white golden retriever that fits the description. When you are sick, lying on the couch, ready to drown out the world, retriever boy is there looking over you. When you are sad, overwhelmed with grief, you can just about hear him whimper as well. When you have just about lost all hope, him being at your side gives you that little push to keep going on.

Retriever boy can't cure your cold, retriever boy can't make the pain go, retreiver boy can't make everything fall into place. All he can do is be there. And that is more than enough.

Just smile. Just grin. Just ask him, "Sup, dawg?"

Home Alone.

That's me tonight.

Some have gone to church. Others to relies house.

Tonight, it's me and my laptop.

Silence.

Been writing out this post, deleting it, and re-writing it over and over.

But don't have the words.

That's. Just. How. It. Is.

When the fog lifts...

It's good, right? When the fog lifts?

Wrong.

Sure, when it is foggy, you can't see what's ahead of you and the world is a very confusing place. You don't know where you are, you don't know what's going on, you don't know what to do.

But at least, when it is foggy, there is hope. There is the hope that when the fog lifts, you will see a peaceful, windy creek. There is hope that when the fog lifts, pictureseque mountains will flood your vision. There is hope that when the fog lifts, there will be a glittering waterfall flowing right in front of your eyes.

The fog lifts. However, it's not creeks, mountains or waterfalls that you see. Instead, you see a war-torn zone with bomb craters everywhere and people decomposing slowly but surely all around. When the fog lifts, everything becomes clear, everything makes sense. When the fog lifts, you know what is going on. When the fog lifts, all hope is lost.

Of course, the war-torn zone can be rebuilt, perhaps not with creeks, mountains, and waterfalls, but it can be made into some place that is at least semi-habitable. Unfortunately, you cannot rebuild it alone. You need other people's help. But you are worried that people won't want to help. You are worried that people will look at the war-torn zone, give up, and walk away. Because people always leave.

There is no point rebuilding the zone for just one person. There is no point, after the fog lifts.

There is no hope, after the fog lifts.

Further NSW Phenomenon.

Asides from monsters, there are other interesting occurences in NSW. In no particular order:

Random water fountains, fresh and juicy oysters, mango beer, beautiful gardens, hedges cut out in the shape of "sex", magnificient nightviews, monkey pubs, masculine beaches, fantastic sunsets, unbelievable Korean food, stunning waterfalls, non-alcoholic beer sculling phenomenon.

Much can be learnt from travelling to NSW. In no particular order:

The term "yumsters", trusty Gossip Club, that Wednesday is humpday, how 'I don't like your pants' can be a compliment, oxytocin being a stress-reliever, what a lactavist is, sheesh-fajitas, the importance of frickin'-KIV, that some people are very "theck-thee" at night.

A memorable trip.

Monsters in NSW.

The monsters in NSW are different to those in VIC.

In VIC, the monsters are largely noctural by nature. It is in the darkest part of the night that these monsters are most active. However, in NSW, while monsters do appear at night, they also wander around during the day. In fact, NSW monsters don't seem to need sleep at all.

VIC monsters tend to like to make their habitat around stationary objects, in particular, furniture. Hence, they can often be found under the bed, hanging off from ceiling lamps and behind cupboards. In NSW though, monsters prefer living near moving objects such as vehicles that move 100km/hr.

Contrary to popular opinion, monsters aren't all that selfish. In fact, they like to share. Hence, each vehicle may have at times up to ten monsters. The biggest, scariest monsters get the largest, but not necessarily fastest moving, vehicles - trucks, lorries, trains.

What to do, what to do? Take the back seat. Shut your eyes. Think of a tropical rainforest, far, far away. You're not in NSW. You're not in Australia. There are no monsters.

The truth is, though, you are in Australia. You are in NSW. You are sitting in a car where the monsters are attacking you, no matter where you are - driving the car, in the back seat, in the boot, on the roof. No point pretending it's not there. No point trying to fool yourself.

There are monsters in New South Wales.

P.S.

Still in Melbourne, leaving shortly. But while I am waiting for my fellow companions to finish gobbling down their gourmet IH lunch, I thought I would say a few more things.

Feeling really happy for someone right now. Really, really happy. =)

Also, someone just asked for clarification about a previous post. Their understanding of the post was completely contrary to what I intended. Thus, I am grateful they decided to ask. Moral of the story to readers: If you are not sure what I am talking about, please ask.

Seriously. Few things better than feeling happy for someone. Yay! Or "yey", as one of my funny friend spells it =P

Rightio - later, Melbourne. For real, this time.

Missing You.

Leaving Melbourne for awhile. I'll miss it. It wasn't voted most liveable city in the world a couple years back for no reason.

Change of scene is good though. Looking forward to observing a new place, tasting new food, taking serious photographs.

As mentioned in previous post, this blog often lies. Choose wisely what to believe.

Will be back on the 22nd. Leaving again on the 25th. But back shortly after for Week 9.

I'll miss you.

Marriage.

Someone just told me they wanted to marry me. Unfortunately, they are already seeing someone. There are a lot of things that many people consider to be wrong that I approve of (or at least condone). Marrying someone that is unavailable is not one of them.

On top of that, there are futher problems with the above proposition. Firstly, one cannot be legally married to two people. And, as someone told me recently, "Break the rules, just abide by the law." Thanks for the offer of a criminal record, but no thanks. The other thing is, I don't particularly want to get married right this second. Thus, it'll just have to be beef rice.

It made me think though. I remember Felix telling me that a sign of progress is gaining interest in marriage. I was told by Felix's friend today that I was making progress.

I suppose the two are vaguely correlating. Not in a direct, proportional sort of manner, but a vague trend can be seen. Less exasperated by seemingly ridiculous propositions, more tolerant of the topic in general, etc.

I hear wedding bells. Oops, that was the ice-cream man.

--
Caution: http://www.k-ho316.blogspot.com/ often lies. Choose carefully what to believe.

Sept 13, '07

This week is going better than I thought it would.

Been living in the 24 hour computer lab because laptop is beyond repair. It is surprising how many people are still there in the middle of the night. Unlike during the day, people there at night are actually working. Frantically, in fact. During the day, half the people are on facebook, the other half on hotmail. Yesterday was my last night there, though. I have shocked myself by finishing both my assignments one day early. Thus, as of 8:30pm tonight, I will be free.

It was raining hard the other day. Riding my bike in rain, tearing up a bit because of the strong wind, but feeling comforted because it was familiar. This recent sun has been a bit disturbing.

On the job front, I am fortunate enough to have a job offer. It is not the one I want, in fact, I really don't want it. I am still waiting to hear from one, and have another interview today for another, but if all fails, at least I will have vac work this summer. I'm grateful for that. A lot of my int'l student friends have trouble even getting an interview because of visa issues.

Would like to wish someone HAPPY BIRTHDAY two days ago. I'm sure you had a great one. But guess what, next week will be even better!!! =D

Been waking up these days not knowing where I am - both in space and in time. Maybe it's all the dreams - dreams taking me all around the world, all through time. Vivid dreams, so that when I wake up, I've completely lost all sense of where I am.

Huge relief that this week is ending. I guess I'm just relieved I finished the QCM assignment. Was worried previously that I wouldn't even have all the words to submit. But I guess I work well under pressure. It is not going to get me a good mark - any assignment that I'm supposed to do in four weeks but I crammed in four days just cannot be that fantastic. But the 3000 words are there (actually, over word count), and I will read it again later to edit it, since I was half asleep when I wrote it last night.

Next week will be different. Change is good.

Monster Clarification.

Misunderstandings arose from the previous post. Hence, I would like to make the following clarifications:

1. I do not believe in monsters.
2. I do not own a dagger, and even if I did and knew how to use it, I would not use it.
3. The previous post was a metaphor that the majority would not understand.

I am considering stopping posting here. It is leading to a bit too many misunderstandings. While I attempt to keep all readers in mind when I write it, I often don't have enough brainpower.

This is, however, one of the the more appropriate and civil forms of expression I currently have. Until I have another means of expression, I will continue posting.

I recognize, though, that it is not sustainable in the long-term.

Monsters Under the Bed.

There are. Monsters, I mean. Under the bed.

In fact, not just under the bed. In the wardrobe. In the desk drawers. Hanging down from the ceiling light. In every corner of the room. As long as it is dark, they're there.

The monsters aren't the cute, fuzzy, cuddly type. Not like Sully, the monster in Monster's Inc. No, these monsters are big, scary, and attack all things living.

It's hard to get the monsters to go away. You can bash them with a stick, but they bounce right back. You can yell at them with all your might, but they roar back in such a way that it makes you shrink to the ground. You can try on several sets of clothing aiming to camouflage yourself under your blanket, but they have some sort of special vision that makes even your best attempt useless.

It's not a lost cause though. There are a few things you can do to make things better. You've been told that you can condition your mind into thinking that the monsters aren't there. Unfortunately, you're not an idiot. You know they are real, and no matter how hard you try, you cannot fool yourself into believing such nonsense.

You can also distract yourself with scarier, more horrifying things. Watching horror films, for instance. Reading murder mysteries. Doing anything to get your mind off these gigantic, looming beings. Of course, that doesn't get rid of your fear.

You can engage in painful activities. It's like trying to stop a headache by punching yourself in the face. You're so busy screaming in pain from the punch that you have completely forgotten about the headache. You've done this, and while it is an option, you know it is not sustainable.

There's another option though. One that involves a special dagger. This special dagger has unique properties. While bashing and yelling doesn't get rid of the monsters, apparently if you throw this special dagger at the correct speed and at the correct angle, the monsters' necks slice nicely and evenly apart. They fall to the ground, helpless.

Good news - You have the dagger. In fact, it turns out that you're quite a natural in terms of dagger-throwing. You've got the speed right, you've got the angle right, you've even got the pro look going on.

There's just one problem - there's a rule that strictly forbids you from using the dagger.

You were never much of a fan of rules. You always preferred voluntary discipline rather than having to follow a list of commands. It certainly doesn't help that you are terrified by the monsters. It doesn't help that the rule makes you angry. It doesn't help that you think the rule is stupid.

You've been told to break the rule. You've been told that rules are meant to be broken, as long as you abide by the law. But you respect the rule-maker. And the rule-maker likes the rule.

And so you put the dagger aside. Your house has one less mug. The monsters under the bed stay.

Sept 9, 07.

Laptop broken. Fault lies with me. Currently using housemate's. Spent awhile trying to change the font colour so it was no longer pink. Could not take myself seriously using that bright of a colour.

Feeling rather unwell. Perhaps it's those strawberry stick things I just ate. 0.0001% strawberry and 0.9999% sugar. That might be overestimating it.

There's one thing I really miss about living in IH - being able to sit outside and work. Stood outside my house today for awhile, but the environment is such that you wouldn't sit there for long, unless watching L-platers attempt to manouevre cars fascinates you.

Angry. Was told that I should just say it when I am, rather than having people read between the lines, so there it is - I am angry.

Things that have made this weekend slightly more survivable:
1. Mackers along the Yarra.

Someone teach me not to think.
Someone teach me to sleep.

Time to give up.

All, all, alone...

HELPLESS. HOPELESS. USELESS.

Too too too too TOO HARD.

How is it that it is so easy for most people???

Smart people know their limitations. Smart people know when to stop trying. Smart people know when to give up.

Time to throw bricks. Time to crack skulls. Time to give up.

Just move on.

I miss my bike. The one that was taken away from me last semester.

There's a new one. A red Anacaconda that someone kindly lent me for an unspecified, and perhaps an indefinite, period of time. It runs, it's my size, it looks cool. In fact, lots of people at uni have had many positive comments about my "bright new bike". But it's not the same.

There are a few issues with it. First of all, the gears aren't working properly. I have given up changing gears - I've just picked one that works on relatively flat ground, and treat other terrain as good exercise. Rather than that than earth-shaking rattling noises throughout the entire duration of the ride. Also, the lock is very difficult to use - both in actually locking the bike (the keys have to be balanced in a very fine position for it to lock) and also in placing the lock in the lock holder - it just doesn't want to go in. The other thing is, I've seriously never had so many accidents on a bike before.

However, even if the gears were fixed (if anyone could help in this regard, I'd be extremely grateful) and the lock replaced, it's not my blue Shogun. Small things - handles don't feel right, it doesn't make the same sound when gears are changed, even when I walk the bike, it feels very different.

Be grateful that I have a working, good bike right? Just move on?

I can't even get over my bike.

How will I ever get over more important things than that? How will I ever move on?

Today's unconnected thoughts.

Someone's working for the American Chamber of Commerce. That someone is quite an entertainer. An entertainment wizard, one might even say. Might take up this someone's offer for being my personal clown for the month. Clowns provide relief. Relief is good. Brought a smile to my face today.

Seriously, seriously need to wake up. Fully slept in one class today - I think I even had a dream. Then, decided to go home, skipping the next class because I was just far too tired. Went back to uni in the afternoon and found out just how fun it is to take a test when you're feeling dizzy and about to collapse any second. The first bit was a group test, and thanks to my extremely nice test partners, they were happy with me not thinking, just lying on the floor and writing whatever they told me to write. Unfortunately, the second section was individual report writing. It is unbelievable how difficult it is to string sentences together when your head is spinning and you want to vomit. Oh well. Makes you appreciate good health.

Currently very, very full. Had a very healthy diet today, comprising of coffee for breakfast, a chocolate biscuit for lunch and a massive slice of chocolate peanut butter cake for dinner. Turns out someone's quite a chef. Hmm. Part of the domestication, eh? Oh, forgot to say, the second part of dinner was an IH high table bread roll hand-delivered to my door.

Still haven't started on that bionano assignment. I figure I will become more efficient as time runs out. Not too worried, somehow always manage to pull something off. Bad attitude, though, I know.

Have had the song "爱的就是你" by 王力宏 stuck in my head for the past three or four days. Oh, Char, forgot to sing it to you when you came over just now. You know how I was supposed to declare my undying love for you. Oh well, next time. For now, you'll have to deal with my blog expressing my heartfelt feelings towards you. Here goes: "在爱的幸福国度, 你就是我唯一, 我唯一爱的就是你". Corny song, but catchy.

Sleep. Sleep. SLEEP.

Attention: CHRISTIANS.

Stop inviting me to your church. Your Bible study. Your evangelism event. Your prayer meetings. Your outreach activities. Just leave it.
*Exception: CU people and events.

Why? Because I think it's ridiculous. Ridiculous that you have so many things on that the only time you can "catch up" is at a church event. I think it's ridiculous that you have to ask me what I would like prayer for. It's ridiculous, because, hey, guess what, a real friend would know. It's ridiculous that you're so busy saving the world that you don't even realize when the worlds have already crashed on the people right beside you.

Oh, for those of you that don't know, I'm a Christian too. The inconsistent church go-er sort. But I believe in God, Jesus, all that, and it isn't a "feel-good" thing. It's not that I'm tricking myself into believing it as a means to comfort myself, as if to fool myself into thinking that life has meaning. No, call me crazy, but it's actually because I 100% honestly think what the Bible says is true.

Why is it that people that aren't Christians seem to have time? Why is it that they are there when the world is collapsing?

And why am I wasting time writing this nonsense??? I was told by multiple people yesterday that I am really screwed if I have not started the bionano assignment. Unfortunately I don't care much, or at all, about quartz crystal microbalances and Saubrey equations.

So, who wants to come to church with me on Sunday? -_-;;

It's like one of those old films.

The black and white ones. The ones before they had sound. Or, if there was sound, the sound was muted.

The film is supposed to be telling a story, but you don't know what's happening. Or, if you do, you don't care.

You don't care if the hero catches the thieves. You don't care if the leading man gets the beautiful girl. You don't care if the soldiers win the war. They're merely images, slowly moving by.

The film finally comes to an end. The thieves have been thrown into prison, the man has kissed the girl, victory has been won. Or so you guess, anyway. Doesn't matter, don't care.

The credits roll.

The screen turns grey/fuzzy.

Static.

Good things that happened today...

1. Found out that Birthday Girl is even more of a genius than previously thought. Congratulations on the 99.95, mate!
2. Ate this DELICIOUS chocolate cake made by housemate. Tastebuds have not felt such a marvelous sensation in a very long time. (Although, nutella cake and $10 steak comes incredibly close).
3. Had a good time relaxing with CU people this afternoon.
4. Terrific weather - sun bright but not the harsh/intense sort, breeze comforting, and temperature just right.
5. Managed to finish my section of prac report. Just waiting for prac partner to send his back now.
6. Only took me 2 minutes to think of the above 5 points. Often struggle to think of even one.

Sunny day....

Someone's 18 today.

To that someone:

Being the wild, party animal that you are, I know exactly how you intend to spend your first day of adulthood:
- Morning: buy a carton of cigarettes.
- Lunch: who needs lunch? Smoke a few packs.
- Afternoon: rock up at a casino and try out your luck.
- Night: club, get picked up by a random guy, and drink like a fish until the early hours of the morning.
Make the most out of being 18, right? =P

Alternatively - you might choose to get together with some of your "pallers", take stupid photos, eat cake, and chill out at home till late at night.

Hmmm. I wonder which of the alternatives you will pick.

On your birthday - I would like to say thanks for all the crazy talks (e.g. kooglies, "yo yo duddee, yo yo duddee", fatty), good laughs, and support.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MATE! Hope you have a fannnntastic day.

-"K-ser"

Roll With The Punch.

The last few weeks have been rather wall-punching. Someone smiling on the street? Want to whack them in the face with my books. Hear laughter? Want to shove a rat in Mr. and Mrs. Happy's mouths. Sunny day? The rays are mocking me.

Used to believe in mind over matter. Used to believe in thought-control. Beliefs have been challenged quite recently. It's been hard to think positive. It's been hard to just "get over it".

Would like to extend my sincere thanks to some people today. Firstly, to those that sent SMSes and facebook messages. To those that called. To those that jumped on me at uni. Most of you will never read this. But just in case, thanks - it means something.

To family. "Awesome" does not even begin to describe the object received in the mail today. Thanks for that, and for the continual support, always. "Yippy skippy, mate."

To some crazy individuals. Some that clearly "xiang shou ren sheng" too much, lying on people's beds, up to no good =P. Some who have shown me that nutella, under the appropriate conditions, can actually be more than semi-decent. Someone that has taught me that warm and fuzzy pigs are life-giving. Someone that is in fact secretly a killer photographer. Someone that unfortunately was MIA today, but when present is actually quite an exceptional chef, with both disastrous hole-cake-making skills as well as killer-chicken-pasta-sun-dried-tomatoes-cooking capabilities. And certainly to the someone who doesn't like brussel sprouts (understandable) or mashed potatoes (unbelievable). To all, thanks.

Lastly, I someone else. Someone that has provided me with the apples I need to throw at trees in Princess Park when I am hating the world. Someone, who, unfortunately I may have to "sleep with" in three weeks time. Someone Someone that has made the last six weeks less painful. Thanks for always having time, for asking how things are, for doing a lot more than you probably realize. Rock on, homie.

Learnt a new phrase today. "Roll with the punch". It's a good phrase, because life is full of punches. It's helpful to know how to roll with them when they come. There was a punch today. A painful, frustrating, anger-causing punch. But on the positive side, it was just one punch. With the number of punches that have come this way recently, one is nothing. And also, I guess it's important to realize that although you are punched by some time and time again to the point where you wonder why you still haven't given up, there are others that don't punch you. Others that will be there when you've been kicked, hit, slapped, taken by the feet and whacked on the ground, full-on punched.

Roll with the punch.

Trapped.

Heading down a one-way street - approaching a dead end.
Locked in a box - a box where the lock's keys have been destroyed.
Walking down a tunnel - a tunnel where there's no light at its end.

It's not like you knew the road led to a dead end.
It's not like you jumped in the box yourself and threw the keys away.
It's not like you chose to go down this tunnel.

You've tried to U-turn, but there's no space.
You've tried kicking, yelling, screaming for help. But no one hears.
You've tried crawling back to the tunnel entrance. But you've no energy.

You've tried and tried.

But there's No.Way.Out.

The Majority.

Wrote a post earlier this afternoon (or yesterday, rather, as it is now past midnight). Decided not to post it, though - too door-slamming, wall-punching. Instead, going to re-write it in nicer words.

It is interesting why people care. Some are paid to care - doctors, for example. Pyschiatrists. Sexual harassment advisors. Social workers. Some, the connection between caring and being paid is less direct - teachers, for example. Some would argue lawyers defending their client is an example of being paid to be care. Or, perhaps pastors caring for their church members. That's cool, though. In fact, it's a good thing. The world needs doctors, lawyers, and the lot. And these doctors, lawyers, etc. need to be paid.

Of course, not everyone is paid to care. Some care because they see it as part of their role/responsibility in society to do so. For example, parents. I'm not saying that all parents care for their children because they see it as their responsibility. In fact, I'm guessing most parents care because they want to, and it comes naturally to do them. But I would argue that in a lot of other roles, this may not be the case.

Others view the whole caring thing as a project. In fact, making someone their charity case is often a project many enjoy. As if your "caree" doesn't realize that you are just viewing him/her as a massive assignment. As if treating someone as a task on very long to-do list makes them feel special or cared for.

At this point, I feel like the above describes the majority of people, being fully aware that most readers will disagree with me. That's ok, though. I don't mind at all.

Had dinner with some people tonight, people that I don't know very well. These people bought me dinner and surprised me with a cake. Split amongst 20 people, the cost per person is not enormous. In fact, it probably didn't take huge amounts of effort to organize. But it meant a lot. I don't really expect people to go out of their way for other people, especially for people they don't know well.

As a result, this new and updated post has less egg-throwing, brick-smashing comments.

Unfortunately, though, it doesn't change the fact that that group of people I had dinner with tonight represents represents a minority.

You Are Attracted To Me.

That's right. There's no point denying it I'm afraid, because that's the truth. The truth according to what they teach at uni, anyway. Let me explain.

Apparently, all objects in the world are inherently attracted to each other. This is due to the existence of attractive forces between everything. The obvious ones - like between a helium balloon and the ceiling, to the not so obvious ones - like between the possum outside your house and the mailbox. These attractive forces are always there. In fact, you cannot turn them off completely - they can only be minimized.

Minimization of attractive forces - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that in the presence of repulsive forces, the effect of any attractive forces present are reduced. That's why we don't all stick together like magnets. Whether coaggulation or dispersion occurs depends on the total interaction energy, which in essence means whether there are large enough repulsive forces to overcome the ever-present attractive forces.

And there it is. You are attracted to me. I'm sorry to inform you of that fact, but that's just how it is. It's not all a lost cause though. There are many good things you can get out of this lesson.

Next time you are having trouble dealing with uncontrolled thoughts and desires, you can blame it on these forces. These forces that, according to science, always exist. Alternatively, next time you want to run away from certain objects/situations/living creatures, once again, blame it on the forces, blame it on science.

To those with low self-esteem: everyone finds you attractive.

By the way, I'm attracted to you too. That's right, even you, Char. Despite thighs, white walls, and apple pies.

Such profound and useful things you learn at uni.

What I've Been Told.

Apparently some people wake up looking forward to the day. Apparently some people bounce out of bed, ready for what each new day has to bring. Apparently some people like being awake.

I'm curious as to what the average number of things that the average person in Australia looks forward to at a given time. This is a genuine question. I really have no idea.

The following are the things I have found myself looking forward to recently in the few occasions I have woken up in the morning feeling >50%:
1. Sydney trip.
2. ???

The list will get longer though. It appears that my sister might be coming down in September. That would likely go on the list. Also, I am semi-looking forward to this weekend. Not that there's anything extraordinary planned, but weekends are usually better than weekdays these days.

I find it hard to believe that people have very long lists.

I find it hard to believe that people bounce out of bed.

Observation Skills.

Time passed by quite slowly in the pool today, so to keep myself entertained, I decided to play a game. I had been noticing recently how terrible I am at remembering faces. Today, someone whom I could swear I've never seen before came up to me and asked me how I was going. At first I thought she mistook me for someone else but soon realized that couldn't have when started asking about the specifics of my course.

To test just how poor my my observation skills are, I decided to think of people I see frequently and try to think of as many pieces of their clothing that I could. I can't believe how difficult of a task it was. There I was, doing my laps, physically fine but mentally exhausted - blowing my brains out trying to imagine these clothes. After 30 laps, here is the list I came up with:

- "Sticky fingers" pink shirt
- Pi nerd shirt
- Kathmandu blue jacket
- Short denim skirt
- Black Nautica T-shirt
- Multiple white long-sleeved shirts
- White, long, fluffy jacket
- IH Jumper x n people

Hm. People I've known for three years and see on a weekly basis. I really think I should be able to name more than one piece of their clothing. Also, in fact, most of the above list I either a) borrowed before (e.g. black nautica shirt), or b) mention has been made to them (e.g. stick fingers and fluffy white jacket). Hmmmm.

On a completely different note though, someone coined an interesting new term today. Gas. No, nothing to do with chemicals your body releases. Completely different use of the term. I like it. Don't gas, don't gas, I don't gas.

享受人生 (xiang shou ren sheng) can also easily sound like something completely different. Especially when you're half asleep, three people are piled on top of each other on someone's bed, and lots of mention have been given to thighs and other body parts in conversation preceding.

But back to observation skills. Rightio, will improve that.

Tomorrow, I'll be able to tell you what colour Char's hair is.

New Plan.

One point I neglected to mention last night. A point I perhaps feel most strongly about.

I am too tired to apologize.
RIDICULOUSLY sick of apologizing.
Completely and utterly, 100%, built a bridge - OVER IT.

New plan: STOP MAKING MISTAKES. STOP BEING STUPID.
Consequence: Nothing to apologize about. All's good. All's fantastic.

The new plan? Flawless.

Sighhhh.

Unconnected Thoughts.

Lots of unconnected thoughts this evening. Not even going to attempt to link them up.

Someone told me yesterday that they like sleeping because it means they're not awake. I wish I didn't understand.

Too tired to feel/act a number of ways at the moment.
E.g. Too tired to be angry. Takes too much energy.
E.g. Too tired to lie. Lying requires brain to think up some lie, which in turn requires brainpower.
E.g. Too tired to deal with awkward situations. Much easier to pretend all's good, all's fine.
E.g. Too tired to respond in too many situations.

I find the amount of emailing I do quite startling. Send so many emails, receive so many. I can walk away from my computer for an hour and there's 10 new emails - a couple facebook messages/notifications, but the rest are actually emails. Not a bad thing though. Email is good. Less lazy than the whole facebook walling phenomenon, anyway. But random ramblings on walls is just too easy and too tempting not to do.

Had two conversations tonight which I felt I fully engaged in. One was regarding a topic that is highly relevant to me at the moment, so was easy to keep up with. Another was over the phone, but was not difficult to engage in either as there were some rather amusing stories of random strangers showing up at your doorstep. Actually engaging in conversation is good.

Rice is definitely easier to cook than pasta. Less hassle - assuming you have a rice cooker. No need to stir, no need to watch that it doesn't overcook, no need to make sure water doesn't overflow.

Sundried tomatoes and olives are some of the best inventions in the world.

That's Just How It Is.

When you wake up in the morning and the birds are fighting.
When you hear laughter and you want to throw up.
When you see someone smiling and want to throw bricks at them.
When all you want to do is sleep so time will move by faster.
Then surely it hasn't been a great weekend.

Broken World.

Someone once told me that a true judge of someone's character would be their hidden thoughts. That's right - those deep, dark secrets that you would rather die than let other people know about.

Now imagine a world in which everyone could hear everyone's thoughts. All thoughts - thoughts ranging from how nice the weather is today, to what you should cook for dinner tonight, to how much someone can't stand your colleague's fake smile, to how much you would love to throw a brick at a certain someone's face, and watch them slowly bleed to death in the middle of the road. Imagine, all these thoughts - revealed to the world. Life would be chaos.

Life would be chaos partly because there would be no peace. Quite frankly, I don't care what every single Melburnian I pass on the street plans to cook for dinner. I am more interested in what I think of the weather than what Joe Blog does. Of course, life would also be chaos because everyone else would know about everyone else's plan to rob a bank and cheat on their wife.

Now imagine this. Imagine a world in which everyone is conditioned to act on their thoughts. That's right - every, single one. Forget responsibilities, forget morals, forget doing the right thing - whatever you think of doing, whatever you feel like doing, you do it.

Someone once told me that if they could do one thing that no one else would find out about, they would go to the bank and redistribute all the money to the poor. Yes, kind people still exist in the world (although they might not be particularly realistic in terms of how this sort of action would disrupt society on all fronts).

However, on the whole, I believe there would be a lot more betrayal in the world. A lot more lies. A lot more physical violence. A lot more killing. A lot more broken people.

I guess it is a good thing that people keep most thoughts to themselves. I guess it is a good thing that people are, in general, conditioned to exercise some form of self-control.

But that doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. That doesn't mean the desire to act isn't there. That doesn't mean that sometimes, just sometimes, you lose self-control.

After all, we live in a broken world.

Rejection.

I guess some people just like rejecting people. Want to go for dinner? Sorry, I have a meeting on that night. Want to go see this movie? Sorry, I'm not into horror films. Want to go for coffee? Um... I don't drink coffee?

Perhaps it makes them feel superior. Makes them feel special, makes them feel in control, this rejecting people thing.

That's a game people like to play with me. But that's not my game.

Because there's a limit to how much rejection one person can take. One day, people will stop asking. One day, people will give up. One day, people will stop caring.

Then again, I've met some people who have unbelievably high rejection thresholds. You would think after being rejected more than say, three times on the same thing, they might stop asking. Or, if they're really into it, perhaps five times. Not too many more times than that, right?

As I said before, rejection, both rejecting or being rejected, is not a game I like to play.

But life is a game. It has to be played.

Besides. One day the answer might be "Yes".

There's this fish.

Two conditions are presently available to the fish - in water, or out of water.

When it is in water, the fish knows what to do. It can move its fins in water and thereby move from place to place. It knows how to catch prey in water. It's heart pumps blood at a constant and consistent rate. It can excrete, it can reproduce, it can feel, it can do whatever it so desires. In water, the fish is happy.

There's another condition available to the fish though - that is, being out of water. When it is initially removed from its aqueous surroundings, it attempts to continue moving its fins, hoping that the mechanisms for locomotion out of water is the same as in water. However, soon after, not only does it discover that its movement is significantly restricted as a result of being out of water, it also comes to the realization that it is unable to perform all other functions that it needs to continue to do the little thing other fish call living.

Unfortunately, the fish cannot control which of the conditions it is in. It wakes up each morning, and finds out which condition has been assigned to it for the day. The fish cannot fly - there is no way it can get itself into water if it has been placed outside for the day.

Unfortunately, a fish staying out of water for too long can be rather detrimental to it's health and well-being.

There are two conditions. There's no in between.

The fish wishes there is at least an in between.

Sometimes I Smile.

Someone told me today that sometimes I smile.

It's been a good weekend. Likely to be the best weekend I've had in a few months.

Dinner on Friday was fantastic, as mentioned in the previous post.

Had a rather adventurous excursion to Williamstown yesterday. Activities ranged from freaking out as cycling companion had a minor accident in the first 30 seconds of our ride, circling around Crown and Docklands rather confusedly attempting to bypass all the construction works, devouring delicious crepes in a cafe, enjoying the peace along Williamstown beach, and snapping away at people pulling rather interesting faces. It was fantastic.

Had a chem eng gathering last night. Never knew I had chefs as coursemates. Housemate asked me how the dinner was. I replied, "Good. Very good, actually." I guess I must have sounded surprised, because she then asked, "What, did you expect it to be crap or something?" No, I didn't. But I rarely expect things to be great these days.

Relaxing Sunday. Completed all assignments due in the next two days in the morning, and had a very pleasant afternoon. Just now, during dinner, neighbours that I've never seen before came over and brought us muffins. Apparently we allowed them to walk through our house to the car park a few days ago, and they were just thanking us for the favour. I wasn't aware of this favour, must've not been in. For the rest of dinner, we pondered over the relative likelihoods of rat-poisoned muffins versus people actually being genuine. Ate the muffins half an hour ago, I'm still alive and kicking, so nice people must still exist in the world.

For the past two nights, I've been in such a good mood that I haven't been able to fall asleep. Brain too active.

Yes, sometimes I smile.

Bounce is still here.

Met up with Felix this morning. Felix is good. Felix is quite wise. Can do the logic thing quite well. I was rather impressed.

In the afternoon, I managed to get a lot of questions answered in prac tute. That means I have something to write now =).

After class, I went swimming. This time, I had the lane to myself for almost the entire duration of the swim. In the times where I shared lanes with other people, there were only a few minor bumping incidents, no swimmers swimming crazily fast in the slow lane or crazily slow in the fast lane, and no freaky-smiling-guy dramas.

Just came back from a really, really good dinner. I was surprised how good it was. Not that I expected it to be crap or anything. It's just that I don't recall any recent times in which I've come back from dinner thinking how fantastic it was.

Bounce hasn't left me yet. Bounce is still here.

Timetable Reading Issues.

I don't know how to read timetables. That must be it.

I keep having to change times on people. Usually, it is because I have already agreed to meeting someone else then, but somehow forgot about it, or it turns out I have not read my timetable properly and I actually have class then. I know, reading a timetable is not rocket science - just look down the day column, look across the time row, and see if there are words there. I guess brain just isn't functioning at its best at the moment.

Last week, I had to change times three times on someone due to my inability to read timetables. Tomorrow, I'm meeting Felix. I've already changed the time twice, and I just realized that I have class at the arranged time tomorrow. Sigh. I would feel really bad changing it again. Oh well, will just have to hope it is an easy lecture that I'm missing tomorrow.

I guess that's why just showing up spontaneously is often easier.

Can't do that with everyone, unfortunately.

Bounce.

There's this other chemical. Like the previous one, it's not an actual chemical. I have no idea what it is, actually. It just feels like a chemical that floods my body. Although, this one feels good. This one is like... endorphins, but better.

This chemical, it makes me want to bounce. I'm walking along the street, but in fact, I'm not walking. I'm bouncing. I'm looking at the skies and I'm thinking what a fantastic day it is. I'm talking to people and realizing I'm actually engaging in the conversation.

Bouncing merrily along today. Got a significant amount of work done. Understood everything in class. Went to work, that was ok. Saw a microscopic image of a smiley face drawn with DNA, got rather excited about that. Crazy friends came over for dinner, that's always good =D

This other chemical - I like it. I'm going to call it Bounce.

Swimming Etiquette.

I don't like being bumped into when I'm swimming. Partly because it is not the most pleasant feeling, but perhaps more because it throws me off balance. To re-balance myself before I can swim takes quite a lot more energy than just swimming along un-bumped.

Went swimming today. Just for about 45 minutes or so, but in that time, I changed lanes five times. I was under the assumption that when a swimmer swims in lap lanes, he/she should stick to one side (namely, left). It is not the best of manners to swim right in the centre, taking up all the room, and even more importantly, swimming head-on at someone is perhaps not the best of ideas. It is polite to swim at a speed less than 100km/hr in the slow lap lane, and more than 1km/hr in the fast lap lane. Also, getting in the pool and choosing not to swim, but rather just grinning at the other swimmers (of whom you probably don't know any of them, by the way) is impolite, if not a little bit freaky.

Spent quite a lot of energy in trying to maintain my distance from other people in the lane today. I guess not everyone goes by the no bumping rule. Spent the rest of the time observing the swimming etiquette (or rather, lack thereof) of the other swimmers present.

Not entirely a bad thing though. Underwater entertainment.

Might go swimming again tomorrow.

Monday morning, Week 3.

Not wanting to do anything but sleep. Quite an interesting and new phenomenon.

Came home yesterday, could not concentrate. Thought I would take a nap. That was around 8pm. Next thing I knew, the clock showed 3am. Fell right back to sleep, and it was a huge struggle to get up just now. 7am.

Had to get up though. Still have not finished my essay due 3pm today. Was told yesterday by my wise friend, "Do it and it'll be done". Such words of wisdom. Haven't done it, still not done. Will do it now though. Won't be in top shape, but it will be done.

Need to stop sleeping. Time passes faster when you sleep. But often times you wake up and feel worse.

Ethics essay calling.

Faithless.

People exercise faith all the time.

Faith in the tram driver as you hop on the tram - that he will drive the allocated routes, stop at the designated places, and not choose to, in the spur of a moment, drive into the vehicle ahead. Faith in the chef at the restaurant you happen to be eating at - that he hasn't had a bad day and just decided to throw in some rat poison amongst the fettucine. Faith in the rollercoaster operator before you jump in - that he will control the ride dutifully, not stopping it in mid-air, leaving you clinging onto your life 100m above ground.

You can't live without faith. Too many decisions we make require some form of it.

Unfortunately it is too easy to lose faith. When you are let down. When people disappoint you. When promises are broken. Of course, it isn't a one-off thing. Everyone makes mistakes. But when it happens time and time again, you really start to think you would be an idiot to continue hoping.

At times like that, you don't care if the tram driver drives the correct routes, goes to the designated places, or decides to run into another vehicle. You don't care if the chef had a bad day or the rollercoaster operator loses his mind.

I guess that's what faithless living is like.

It's Temporary.

Just walked back from IH. Usually takes about 10 minutes. Felt so, so long just now. The ticking sound of the little green man on the traffic light was like that of a stampede of hyenas. A cyclist rode by and I thought I saw him fly. Almost crashed into the metal fences outside my place where they are doing the construction.

Almost think it is worth it though. For the momentary satisfaction. For the few seconds when all thoughts have fled. For the few seconds when the mind clears.

Temporary, short-lived, but there all the same.

I wish.

I wish the motivation wasn't responsibility. I wish the motivation wasn't because it's the right thing to do, the unselfish thing to do.

I wish the motivation was because I wanted to.

Beginning to recognize the symptons though. Not wanting to pick up the phone. Not wanting to go out, wanting to cancel on everyone. Closing my door and wanting the world to go away.

Must be responsible. Must do the right thing. Must not be selfish.

Must keep going.

Two Words.

Was talking to a friend just now, a friend on the other side of the world. She was saying that people just don't appreciate the simple things in life anymore. Instead, most people are greedy and lustful.

Not going to argue with that. I believe everyone struggles with greed and lust, at least to a certain degree. However, if I had to summarise the world in two words, I probably wouldn't have chosen those two.

I would've chosen "selfish" and "unsatisfied".

No worries though, we live in a fallen world.

Simple Maths.

I have managed to temporarily put aside some thoughts. I say temporarily, because I'm not that optimistic. In its place, though, is physical unease - feeling seasick, fluctuating back and forth between feeling extremely hot and extremely cold, as well as constantly feeling sleepy. Not tired, but sleepy. Doesn't help that I am beginning to develop a cold also.

I think I prefer it this way though. Can't complain about the more sleep. Feeling hot and cold, well, putting on and taking off clothes all the time can be a bit troublesome, but the mechanism to ease the discomfort is there. There's always hot/cold showers as well. As for feeling seasick, that's minor.

Preoccupied with keeping the body happy physically = Less time to worry about other things.

Simple maths - that's all there is to it.

A True Gift.

There are some people that always seem to know what to say, and when to say it.

Had to have a somewhat difficult conversation today. But fortunately, the person I was talking to was one of these people that always have the right words. One of those people that don't overreact so as to overwhelm you, or underreact (if there's such word) so as to make you feel that they may not have even heard what you said. As a result of this person's wisdom with words, issues were sorted out, rsponsibilities were clarified, and decisions were made. The difficult conversation turned out to be not that difficult after all.

This person was also able to ask the right questions. Some people readily volunteer information. Those people, you ask them "Tell me a bit about yourself", they will give you their life story. I don't tend to do that. I generally restrain from saying things unless asked. And only if really asked. This may not be a good thing. Especially since really asking is rare.

Sometimes you don't need words. Sometimes you don't need questions. Sometimes, even the sweetest sounds can give you a massive headache - your favourite music playing softly in the background, joyful people chatting amiably, even the gentle sound of the leaves rustling outside your window. Sometimes you just need silence. Some people are good at silence.

Being able to say the right things, being able to ask the right questions, being able to keep silent when silence is needed - a rare gift.

A true gift.

Monday morning, Week 2.

Week 1 went by really slow. Really, really slow. Hope this does need keep up.

Not liking all the homework and tests. It is as if we're an American university. A test last week, a prac due today, another prac due tomorrow, and another test tomorrow.

Goal for the week: Make an effort. No matter how small.

Sometimes You Get Lucky.

Did another rather unwise thing today. No news there, I suppose. In fact, engaging in foolish activities has become a bit of a recurring theme in my life as of late.

Nothing major happened. But the consequences could've been very, very severe.

Sometimes, when you get lucky like that, you don't learn. And you keep making the same mistake. Again and again. Until one day, something terrible does happen.

Then you are punished. Then you might learn.

=(

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm going to punch someone.

Stop thinking.....!!!!!!

FOCUS ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT. ON WHAT MATTERS.

But, what actually matters?

Stop being an idiot. Just... STOP. Everyone else seems to be able to do it. It can't be that difficult.

I need someone to yell at. I need someone to punch. Or to throw eggs at. Eggs not good enough. Pies, perhaps.

Brain needs peace.

Want to take up knitting again. But that'd be stupid.

Just. Don't. Think.

=(

Random Thoughts.

Third day of semester. Have had a test/assignment already due yesterday, worth 10%. On the bright side, though, I am currently still understanding everything in lectures. End of next week, I assure you, I will be lost.

Received an email from someone today. "Home", by Michael Buble, reminds me of this person. 731 concept.

Who do I think I am? I think I know better than science. That's nonsense. Trust in science. Trust the experts of science. They know what they are talking about. Trust, believe. Or else things will never change.

Felix doesn't trust me. Felix went to talk to someone about me today. That's ok though, that's what Felix does. I don't blame Felix. In fact, I really appreciate Felix's initiative.

I have a question for you. That's right, I'm talking to you - the reader. Can you to do me a favour - tell me, what do you look forward to? Both short-term and long-term. Do you wake up every morning, ready to start the day, having things you want to do? Is there something you look forward to, perhaps goals to achieve, dreams to fulfill? What keeps you going?

I'd really appreciate if you would let me know, somehow. Email, face-to-face, MSN, facebook... however. In whatever time frame you like. If you choose not to answer, because it is personal, or you just can't be bothered, that's ok, I'll live. Especially if I don't know that you read this. Nevertheless, answers would be great. Thanks in advance.

Goal: Always pick up phone. Do not screen calls. It is not healthy.

Apologies for the lack of flow in this post.

Felix.

I don't know what my issue is.

Starting to talk to someone lately. Let's call this someone Felix.

A little about Felix. There's actually nothing much to say. I don't know much about Felix. Felix doesn't know much about me. It's mutual.

Felix and I have nothing in common. Different backgrounds, different interests, different views of life. Completely different taste in movies. We both like sunshine, though.

Felix is not the best listener in the world. But Felix listens. That's already better than most people.

Felix doesn't know what my issue is either. But I can talk to Felix. That is a start.

I guess the best thing about our relationship is that I can ask Felix questions that I can't ask most people. There are some questions I really want to ask. Some things I really want to know, or rather, need to know. But there are some questions you are not allowed to ask. Or, at least I don't feel like I can. Because some things you just accept. You accept it, and keep going.

I want to thank the people that have allowed me to ask my questions. Rather, I would like to thank the person that has allowed me to ask these questions.

Maybe Felix can give me answers. Unfortunately, despite my respect for Felix, I doubt this is possible.

In fact, half the time, I don't want to know the answer.

Now and Later.

There are some things that are very difficult to do now. But they must be done. For the benefit of later.

Take someone else's. Invent your own. Make something up. Just keep going.

Belief will follow.

It has to.

Why I can smile on the Monday morning of a new semester.

Maybe it is because classes haven't officially started yet. Haven't been bombarded by rather unstimulating lectures, stacks of problem sheets, or prac deadlines yet.

Maybe it is because I haven't been faced with the situation of having to be at five places at once and doing ten million things all at one time yet.

Maybe it is because I have managed to avoid all the potentially unpleasant situations so far.

On the other hand, it could be because because the sun is shining.

Or, because I managed to get 7 hours sleep last night.

Or rather because of another hilarious email I received this morning from my nutty sister. This time in regards to a hairdressing incident. Once again, cracked me up.

I was talking to someone last night about encouragement. They said, that according to some famous person, one could live off a compliment for six months. A little encouragement goes a long way.

The sun is shining.

It Started With An Amusing Night Of Steamboat.

The events that followed:

- Disastrous cake baking attempt with someone that stayed over - top of cake fully burnt, middle of cake semi-raw, and bits everywhere just falling through the rack when turned over.
- Playing "The Simpsons game" (might I add, the most ridiculous and random boardgame ever) while simulataneously watching the show on TV with my 8 year old cousin and his cousins.
- Spending an hour on the bus frantically rewriting the lyrics to Mika's "Grace Kelly" - a song that I had only heard probably twice in my entire life.
- Summit, 2007. Enough said.
- Hilarious email sent to me by my sister about a rather foolish incident she got herself in at a family event.

A spiral that defies gravity.

Difficult, but not impossible.

Familiarity.

The overcast Melbourne skies...
The jammed-pack East Coburg tram, even on a Sunday morning...
The chilliness of my house...

Back in Melbourne. Being hit by a number of familiar things.

There's something comforting about familiarity.

The Chemical.

Like a chemical that slowly creeps through my body. An actual, physical feeling. Something that literally makes my shoulders feel heavy, that makes my head hurt, that makes my body want to crumble.

Levels of this chemical fluctuates. It is like the tide. Sometimes the tide is high. Sometimes it is low. But the constant is that it is always there.

I'm learning, though. In the past few months, I have experienced this chemical often enough so now I can feel it coming. And I have learnt ways to push it away before it overtakes me.

I fear this chemical. Because if it comes too fast, or if I don't catch it soon enough, it consumes me.

But I have been learning.

This chemical will go away.

Eventually.

Marks.

Uni marks. That's what they are. Uni marks.

I have been saying for the last four, five weeks or so that as long as I pass all subjects, I will be happy. I know a lot of people said something along those lines as well. But I meant it.

No major rewards for doing well. No major consequences of doing poorly (provided you don't fail). Currently have a high enough average for graduating with honours already. Not going for IH scholarships. Have a decent enough resume in which fantastic marks is not vital.

Cannot expect fantastic marks if you spend half your SWOTVAC staring out the Ballileu window, observing the trees. Or if you sleep a mere two or three hours before an exam, drink a few coffees and spend much of your time going to the toilet during the exam.

There are miracles.

On the other hand, a big shout-out to my sister for beyond brilliant Year 12 results. Now that actually is significant. Certainly quite a drama yesterday with the whole wrong password and all. All the best in choosing your course for next year.

For uni students, two more weeks of freedom.

Concerning Behaviour.

Coffee consumption: moderate amounts is fine. But what if you have to go to the toilet four times during a three hour exam because you couldn't sleep the night before and therefore was more than a little bit worried you would fall asleep over the test paper? What if, at random times in the day, you just cannot stop shaking due to the excessive amounts of caffeine in your body?

Bad judgment calls: everyone makes bad choices, everyone makes mistakes. But what if you you don't trust yourself to make any of your own decisions anymore? What if, every time a judgment call needs to be made, you would prefer someone else to make it for you, because you are sick of making bad decisions?

Lack of concentration: everyone says they can't concentrate, to some extent. Often in regards to study, or listening in lectures. But what if the lack of concentration extends to all areas of life? What if, you find yourself crossing the road, suddenly realizing that you didn't even look at the lights or check for cars? Or, if it is only 30 minutes into your haircut you realize someone is cutting your hair?

There are times to react.

There are times to be concerned.

Only Words.

I used to find it difficult to be serious. Every other sentence would be a joke or sarcastic remark. Had a couple of incidents last year in which I accidentally offended people because they didn't realize I was joking.

Times have changed. Less jokes now. Maybe it's because I just find things less funny than before. The shooting the other week in Melbourne is not funny. People intentionally harming people is not funny. People dying is not funny. Because these things happen to real people. It's not just on TV.

Or, perhaps it's because my nonsensical pal has flown off to the US for a semester. No one to argue with and talk nonsense to.

I reckon it's detrimental to the health, all this serious talk. I was a better person when I had a sense of humour.

Used to find it hard to lie too. But then, when I think about it, it's only words. Everyone lies, whether it is through their actions, intentions, or facial expressions.

I lie all the time now. To prevent trouble. To mitigate troubling situations. To prevent unncessary worry.

It's only words.