Dec 29, 2010

Might just be slightly losing it.

A couple days ago, I'm not sure how, but I ended up on Springvale Road. I still don't know how that happened. It wasn't that I missed an exit or anything. I must've really been not thinking to the stage that autopilot took me there. It wasn't until I saw a sign to Glen Waverly that I suddenly pulled aside, asked myself what is the date, where am I going, and why I am apparently almost in Glen Waverly when I thought I should be approaching St Kilda soon.

Then, today, I realized I was on my bike at an intersection near where I live, probably watched the lights go through its cycles a few times before I remembered I was there to cross the road.

I still don't know how I ended up in Glen Waverly.

Dec 5, 2010

I guess I'm just a bit cautious. Quite cautious. Probably even very cautious. Just not really in the mood for messy situations at the moment (or ever, really), so it's just easier to stay distant. I hope they understand. Don't want to cause any strains over nothing.

If anyone would like to motivate me to exercise, that would be greatly appreciated.

I love the erratic nature of Melbourne weather.

Promise me?

I had a training day at work today. It was the 2nd day of a 2 day course. Essentially, it was a course to give people ideas of how to better manage their time and workload, so as to generally be a more effective person.

There were quite a lot of good parts in it, but the key thing I'm full on passionate about is the promise cycle. Essentially, before you agree to doing anything, understand the nature and scope of work required, negotiate the scope, agree on a deadline, and then commit. After commiting, stick to that commitment. Not doing so causes unnecessary stress on others and has a cascading effect.

I believe that principle is really core to a business. Having a profitable business relies on things getting done effectively, and if people can't keep to their word, significant time is wasted and a large amount of unnecessary stress is generated.

I believe this principle should be applied to daily life. I saw a Facebook status today that said, "How many times do you allow someone to cancel/postpone before you give up trying to be their friend?" Good question. Those that do that should realize they rapidly lose credibility and one day, we're not going to bother anymore. Call us when you want to maintain a relationship.

Of course, the world's not perfect and things will get in the way of keeping all promises. But to the best of our abilities, let's try and at least pretend we respect each other by keeping our word.

November 22, 2010

Happy birthday, "Yvonne"! Wishing you plenty of good things ahead :) When you're not too busy watching little kids swim or drawing cartoons, perhaps you would like to come over and drink all the weird drinks left in my place, and make a parma while you're at it =)

On other note, I am very, very tired. I was so tired this morning I decided to go to the drive through coffee place near my work. As soon as I bought it, I remembered why I don't generally buy from there. I really could not taste the coffee in it; it was like steamed milk. Unhappy. Fortunately had a decent coffee at lunch to make up for it. I must remember not to purchase from there again so as to prevent myself from supporting the proliferation of bad coffee in Melbourne.

November 17, 2010

I heard someone smile on the other end of the phone today. I couldn't help but think how we've come a long way. I remember the first time when we really had nothing to say to each other.

Jovial insults, a dozen inside jokes in a 5 minute conversation, the smiling voice - that's when you know you've built a relationship. I don't take this lightly, am greatly thankful for it, and consider it something to be looked after.

It really isn't that difficult to be friendly. Try it one day, you might even enjoy it.

Some duck egg on the side?

I had a slightly pricey meal tonight. Thought I would try some duck egg. Hadn't tried it before, so why not? Had Wagyu beef as well. Hadn't tried that either. I must say, a regular Porterhouse is probably sufficient for me.

Might as well have a few glasses of wine.

Had to have some dessert and coffee to make sure I could walk back home straight.

Doesn't matter it was pouring rain coming home. Doesn't matter my jeans got soaked. Doesn't matter there were others on Lygon street clearly not walking straight and uttering words that didn't make sense to even themselves let alone anyone else.

Doesn't matter becuase for a few hours, I could forget.

And that didn't feel too bad.

November 10, 2010

I've been reminded again today that life's better without you. The sun shines, the birds sing, and even the possums crack a smile when you are gone.

Thanks for not being here for me, it makes me happy.

November 3, 2010

I don't like it.

Head heavy
Pressure cooking
Sandbags on the shoulders

It's stressful, tiring
It disrupts my peace

Not a great week.

November 1, 2010

One of those days that I am getting frustrated at everyone and everything.

Grumble.

One of those days where you know it's better not to interact with others otherwise you may unfairly get upset at them.

Sigh.

On the positive, it's a public holiday tomorrow. No work.

Good night.

First night shift aftermath.

Thanks for the emails / SMS's / comments left encouraging me for my first night shift. Greatly, greatly appreciated.

For those that had the conversations with God, thanks for that too. While there were some minor upsets along the way (e.g. the one night shift turned out to be one night shift plus working all day Sat and Sun), the key issues/concerns I had was sorted out. It reinforced to me the importance of building relationships, spending time with people and understanding their concerns.

The most important things were sorted out. Sleepiness/tiredness is secondary; one can recover from this just by sleeping enough.

It took a few days to recover, but it was a great learning experience.

Thanks for your help.

First night shift tonight.

I tried sleeping throughout the day but only managed about an hour. I'm eating chocolate now and will get some coffee on the way to work, but a bit worried that I will not be able to last 5pm-7am on this little energy. For the praying types, if you could consider that one in your conversations with God, that would be greatly appreciated.

All other issues put on hold tonight, one issue at a time.

Later, all... will write/text/call again when I re-appear from the grave shift.

October 18, 2010

How are you?
The usual.
What's that supposed to mean? Aren't you young ones supposed to enthusiastic and excited?
The enthusiasm comes and goes.
___

You can swear if you need to.
Thanks, but I try not to, and generally if possible only in my head.
Very well.
___

How are you, anyway?
I'm ok.
What's wrong?
Let's talk about work. A neutral topic.

I know what is.
(Silence)
I hope it works out for you.
That means something.

It's supposed to be a good thing.

Others are telling me it is a good thing.

But I just don't feel it, there is no need. Apparently it's good if I feel there's no need, it would be a problem if there was a need. Apparently it's supposed to be an improvement. But things are good, why risk it? There's no need to add to the pile of bad memories.

Just go to work and do work, drink coffee, eat good breakfast, exercise, drink coffee, go to work, do work, drink coffee, exercise.

!#

It's already starting to cause trouble.

Scrap the idea.

October 12, 2010

It'd be really good to have some ice cream tonight. Honeycomb ice cream. Or a Mars Bar.

Flash flood warnings tonight, though. Doesn't provide great incentive to walk to Safeway to purchase any of those items.

I guess I'll just have to watch Two and a Half Men and eat an apple.

___

PS. It was great having you in Melbourne, matey!! Have a safe flight, see you soon!

There's a party, and you're not invited.

I don't understand how it can be so difficult for some people to stick to something they've already agreed to. I really, really don't understand. If you know you're not going to follow through, then don't agree to it in the first place. If you genuinely thought you might, well, then you're alone on that one.

I am fed up and am not interested in apologies.

If you don't have your phone on, no one will call you. If you always say you'll turn up and but you don't, people start to see the trend. If you cry wolf enough... you know the story.

Don't expect to be invited to the next party.

____

I don't dare touch my phone for fear of losing my temper. It is great to be able to communicate to the virtual world where the rules are a bit different.

October 4, 2010

Grumble time again. Sick. Been coughing my way through Sat and Sun. Decided to stay at home today mainly because I was feeling fairly dizzy and didn't feel I could drive safely. Hope to get better soon. Really grateful that I have really thoughtful housemates during this sick thing though =)

Asides from that, the weekend was pretty good. I had a guest arrive, in style, as expected. After one night, though, she decided to do accommodation elsewhere for the rest of her stay as I apparently live too far away from the city =) Rephrase, when she has finished partying it 3am in the morning, it is much more convenient to not have to walk/taxi home since trams will have finished then. Haha...

Great weather, once again. Time to do stuff outdoors! Yay.

Grr... @# pager!

11:44pm, happily sleeping away.
11:45pm, "beep-beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep-beep, beep-beep".
11:46pm, grumble grumble, call into work.

00:00am, time to go back to sleep.
00:57am, still unable to fall back asleep, decide to complain to the virtual world.

There's a new drive-through coffee place in Altona. Perhaps I will be visiting it tomorrow.

Grumble grumble.

September 26, 2010

Today's probably the first day this year I would say it was truly spring. Sun shining, cool breeze, temperature fairly perfect... =)

I did attempt to cycle yesterday - feeling fairly lethargic yesterday morning so thought I would try to overcome it by getting on the bike. Having not exercised in a few weeks, it was a struggle - there are some slight hills in Ascot Vale. It is difficult cycling by yourself sometimes (for me at least) because without pressure, I tend to choose to give myself lots of breaks.

The Grand Final was a good learning experience for me. I knew the city was really into it, but I was just surprised at how dejected everyone (including the fans) were when they drew. I reckon the Saints fans should've been cheering - they were that close to losing so many times... a fantastic game though, I couldn't believe I was actually into it.

Spring is here, Melbourne! Any moment spent indoors when the sun is out and the birds are singing is a waste. If only there was no work tomorrow...

Another really good weekend.

Thanks for the generosity.

September 20, 2010

Some things really aren't that hard.

To say good morning
To recognize good efforts
To make a quick phone call and say hi
To crack a smile... even if only a small one

It's really not that hard, but it just isn't done enough. It really surprises me when it happens - it's terrific.

Thanks for taking a pro-active approach, for being helpful before being asked, for making things easy.

A mess on top of a mess.

Most of me is saying that it really isn't wise to jump into a heap of mess when the previous heap hasn't been completely cleared up yet. Perhaps I'm just imagining things and the mess isn't there. Head's a bit full to clearly work it out, time will tell, but it's better to be mentally prepared.

I'm getting caught up / distracted by things that are not important, not life changing / life shattering. I need to get my act together and forget about these small roadblocks and work strategies to achieve the same end goal. I'm just a bit tired so not thinking clearly, really looking forward to weekend again and it's only Tuesday.

The sun is shining but today, it looks like rain.

Praying that I get my act together overnight, clear this head, and see and feel the sun shine tomorrow.

Sunny Saturday.

I had a terrific Saturday. It wasn't expected. Not that I thought it would be awful, but sometimes things just fall in place.

It was the first day in a few months I was out of the house without a jacket. It was a beautiful spring day. I walked around Princes Park for the first time in a long time. The grass was green, the skies were blue, the dogs were wagging their tails.

Of course, it could've been better. Like if my laptop charger was working. Like if I didn't get paged by work. Life if you hadn't been brought up in conversation I had. How is it that you can ruin my perfectly good mood even when you're not here?

But energy levels are rising. There are some great people to spend time with. Spring is here.

Still injured.

I can't believe it - I still have this rib issue.

It has to be something internal as I can't see any bruising. I'm just more amazed by it than anything. I thought it would've gotten better by now. I am semi-worried, but not worried enough to take time off work to go get it checked out.

It's funny because I wake up in the morning and forget about it, stretch to get up and it's like.. ouch, yes, it hurts.

Looks like I won't be able to play tennis this weekend. It's apparently going to rain cats, dogs and possums anyway.

Zzz...

The thorn.

“To keep me from being conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may result on me. That is why, for Christs’ sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

- 2 Cor 12:7-10

I've been made especially aware today of all the great things I've been given. I've been reminded of all the good progresses I've been given, the changes I've seen.

I'm extraordinarily grateful.

Aug 31, 2010

Lots of salt, lots of oil can make things a lot better.

Other consumables too.

Bball.

Yesterday, I played basketball for the first time in years. 3 on 3, it was, by in large, really quite fun.

The not fun bit was when I was chasing after all a ball that went out, and then fell flat onto the ground, front first. It was a bit painful at the time, but I was able to get back up straightaway and continue with the game. I therefore did not think too much about it.

At night, though, right below my right rib, a little bit of pain. Then, when I went to bed, I realized I couldn't lie on my front without being in extreme pain. In fact, I pretty much had to stay stationary on my back, minimizing all movement or else it would start to hurt again. This morning, I had to do a push up to get out of bed, rather than a sit up (if that makes any sense). It still hurt when I pressed it, and when I laughed.

I'm hoping it's nothing serious and it should go away soon. It's just quite an unusual feeling for me so not sure if it's a problem.

At times I like this it would be useful to have a medical person or someone familiar with first aid around. Alternatively, I could go to the doctor, but I probably won't unless it gets worse.

Having said that, though, it was a good game of basketball. Playing with people all about a head taller than me was interesting. There was no point even trying to get the rebound.

Ladies and gentlemen, spring is almost here.

Aug 23, 2010

I found some juggling balls in the office and did a bit of juggling to exercise a different side of my mind. It turns out that the exercise component wasn't insignficant - I can't actually juggle so I did quite a bit of bending over backwards to collect the fallen balls. It did end up allowing engagement of the other side of the mind.

It's going to be one of those weeks where too much visual multimedia is going to be a struggle for me. If I forget to reply SMS-es, emails, etc in the next few days, don't be surprised. I will do my best if it is urgent. I will try to eat lots of red meat to assist in memory.

I could tell it was going to be one of those weeks because I logged onto Facebook, read two pieces of news feeds, lost all interest and energy, and logged out. Usually I can last for at least 10 minutes.

Zzzz...

Politics.

Australian federal election is coming up this Saturday.

The nation goes to vote.

It appears that political views is another one of those you don't tend to outrightly ask people about. Of course, it's sometimes fairly obvious what people's views just even, say in the way they respond to certain pieces of news.

To be honest, I'm feeling a bit discouraged about the whole situation at the moment. I've done a bit of thinking (not an excessive amount, could probably do a bit more), but at the moment there really isn't a particular party that I actually think would even do a reasonable job.

If you have more knowledge in politics than I do and can share with me some things contrary to that prior to Saturday, it would be greatly appreciated.

I feel it's a bit sad to cast a blank vote in a democratic society.

Life after death, all sorted? Terrific.

I'm not sure if I've written about this topic before, but I was asked this question twice this week which I found fairly interesting. It's not something I've found I've been asked very much - in Australia, it seems that it's just more socially acceptable to not ask anything too personal. When it comes to religion, you believe whatever makes you feel good and works for you; just don't interfere with the way I do things and the way I live my life - i.e., just don't impose your beliefs on me.

Hence it is not something I talk about often, unless I get asked directly as I have this week. I'm not going to sepend much of this post actually going into the details of my answer, that can be subject to another post, but in short, I am a Christian simply because I believe what the Bible says is true. It was after a lot of investigation on the historical and scentific claims of Christianity in an earlier stage in my life that I reached this conclusion.

Again, not going to go into details about that at the moment, but the recent discussions I have had on the topic have just reignited the thought in mind that to me, it makes logical sense to do a bit of thinking about what the different religions (including atheism) have to say, and be able to conclude for ourselves what we really think.

I see it like this. Think of how much time people (myself included) put into saving up for the future - building wealth and security, looking for companionship to grow old with, ensuring all our different insurances are setup correctly, etc.I guess to me, if we're willing to spend days and weeks labouring over our superannuation plans so that we are set up for success when we are 60, doesn't it make sense to even spend just 20 minutes thinking, and convincing ourselves, that to the best of our knowledge, we have what happens after death right?

I realize it is not an easy question and obviously millions of very thick books have been written about the topic; however, I am also in the belief that it is not as mystical and "out there" as one might think. When I started looking into different religions, I was amazed at how a lot of it made sense. Yes, I realize there is still an element of faith - but there's an element of faith in almost everything we do, and faith does not need to be blind.

60 minutes researching the best health insurance option. How about spending 20 minutes making sure eternity is sorted? Getting it wrong could be very costly.

Of course, it's also easier to just live life and not think beyond tomorrow, because it makes us (or at least me) feel comfortable =)

This is probably controversial enough so I will stop now.

Grief

I'm not sure what it looks like. I've been fortunate enough to not have to experience it very often, and often not at great lengths.

Is it all-consuming one moment, and the next moment just a dull, ever-present lull? It is driving, wondering whether the droplets in sight are the raindrops on the windscreen, or tears? Is it a painful gymnasium of equipment and toys?

That's not grief as I knew it.

Tell me, what is this?

Thou Shalt Not Kill.

I was convicted today about something I heard.

We've been discussing the Ten Commandments at church. It appears there quite a lot of views on this, and often the Christian faith is seen as one full of rules, boundaries, and "thou shalt nots". That's not how I personally see it, I see it as actually really wise guidelines, that if we actually followed, would make life so much easier. Unfortunately, life hasn't turned out that way.

That's a side track, though. The main issue I want to discuss is the 6th of the 10 Commandments - you shall not murder. This is one of the commandments that I thought I had pretty much downpacked, one that I was fairly on top of. I can say quite truthfully that I have never physically killed anyone.

Then, thinking about it more, what is that commandment really about? As the Bible makes generous allowances for the times when someone is accidentally killed, it seems to be on about the intentional killing of someone, having malice as a forethought. Murder is an obvious one. It seems also relevant to many contemporary issues as well, namely, euthanasia?, abortion and suicide. These are difficult topics; not going to discuss my thoughts on it here. Perhaps another day.

I want to talk about a less extreme case though. In Matthew 5:21-24, it says that “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment."

The Christian faith, the faith I identify with, believes that everyone was created in God's image. It is in this light we should see our community.

I haven't plotted the killing of anyone. But in the past, I have wanted people to die, and occasionally, I struggle with wanting people to suffer. But it's not about me. And it's also not about you. There's more to the world than us.

I've really been a pain to be around lately. I've really been angry with the world. Externally, I have lost my temper a few times, been the subject of anger of many Melbourne drivers, and have apparently had many vacant looks. Internally, though, I have wished plagues upon plagues on people, I have looked at people with anger. People that should be valued.

This is wrong, and I am sorry.

Ordinary people conduct amazing acts of atrocities. May it not be me, may it not be you.

Wishing you good things in the week ahead.

The Little Shadow People.

The little shadow people are talking to me again. They're not bad people, I just don't really trust what they have to say sometimes, and because they all talk at once, I find it hard to follow what they're actually on about. Recently, they've done quite a bit of bickering with each other, and then really just telling me how you've been really uncool lately, and how ultimately you should be kicked out of the equation.

It's not that I disagree. Metaphorically speaking, I've already been advised ages back the appropriate coefficients that go in front of your names in the equation, namely 0 for C1, 0 for C2, 0 for C3, and really, pretty much 0 for Cn.

Yes, the little shadow people are right, but there's no need to remind me every night. Seriously, a person has got to sleep.

July 8, 2010

I don't think it's a good sign when you're wishing you would give sick so you could take sick leave.

Just going to say it - I'm really, really tired, really angry, really angry at me being angry at things that is no one's fault. Feeling everything building up, a bit like unburnt fuel in a heater, it searches for oxygen as soon as it sees it, ignites and explodes. Body aching, not sleeping, just feeling dizzy and even reading Facebook is effort.

I really need a change of scene. Maybe head to see some snow, but really, right now, it's not realistic, too tired to drive.

Perhaps you can drill some perspective into this head of mine, perhaps you can tell me it's not my fault, perhaps you can prescribe me something to go to sleep. But if you can't do that, perhaps you can just remind me that you exist, because at the end of the day, that matters.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest". Matt 11:28.

July 7, 2010

Trying to be fair, trying to be reasonable
But feeling a great sense that
It's not fair.
How could you not know?

Want to just accept, wanting to forgive
Knowing deep inside that
Life's not fair.
Why can't I move on?

Exploring this, reasoning it out
Working through the issues
You're not fair.
What was the issue again?

Out of sight, out of mind. For that, I'm grateful.

June 29, 2010

- Brrr, it's cold in here. It's cold out there, it's cold everywhere.
- I am constantly amazed at the amount of info I get from Facebook. I have not yet watched a World Cup game, but I feel like the narratives I read on status updates equips me enough info to make educated comments about almost all games.
- I was told today, "Feel free to tell me your deep, dark secrets, given that I lose my short-term memory anyway." Haha, nice try.

June 24, 2010 - It's a sad day for Australia.

Goodbye, Samantha Stosur.

Goodbye, Socceroos.

Goodbye, Kevin Rudd.

"He was elected by the people, and should have been judged by the people. A midnight-knock-on-the-door and death by political execution was no way for an Australian Prime Minister to go." - Tony Abbott. Well said. Failing to see how this crazy little scheme could bring support to the ALP in general. It's a crazy day in Australian politics.

June 23, 2010

I can't help but feel it is extremely unfair.

What good can come from this, and when will this end? Just when you think it's reached the hardest it can, the world throws up another great idea. Great.

I am grateful for the many distractions and people that have made this nightmare more bearable. I am even more convinced now how leaving people to drown is really not favourable. Give people the benefit of the doubt, don't over-think it, just know that you can provide value just by offering a helping hand.

At the end of the day, though, I can't help but feel it is not fair.

Help me sort through these irrational thoughts.

And, please, help me sleep tonight.

June 21, 2010

=)

Smile =)

"You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile"

- Mathew Schafer, aka Uncle Kracker

=)

June 15, 2010

Suddenly really thankful for all the support I have received lately.

People that have inconvenienced themselves - spending some dollars to have dinner to catch up, those that have dropped by to make sure things are ok, those that have offered up their time and energy, when obviously there are a lot of things already going on in their lives. I guess for me, going out of one's way really means a lot, and not just being there when it's convenient, when one feels like it, or when one has time.

There's quite a few that have been really terrific recently. I believe none of those people read this.

When things are better, I will thank them. This is a reminder to self to not to take people for granted, and a reminder that things could be much, much worse.

Tell me how I could be supporting you better today.

June 14, 2010

Memories that haunt
In the stillness, the images return

The swaying trees
The stumble to the ground

The cry of the birds
The call of the lost

The moistness of the ground
The tears from the night

Haunting, lingering, penetrating
Sleepless hours ahead

As I remember.

I'm exhausted.

There's tired and weary and there's plain exhaustion.

The other day I jumped in the pool, struggled to do five laps, and just had to get out. The weight of the head made it too hard for me to keep floating.

There's receiving phone calls and then straight afterwards, forgetting who it was you were talking to.

Help, calling out for rest.

It's all a bad dream.

The car starts moving slower
The traffic lights start spinning around
The sick feeling in the stomach intensifies

All the memories too viscious
All the images too strong
All the questions I couldn't answer

It's all a bad dream
It's not real
I'll wake up tomorrow things being like before

It should be
It has to be
It will be

1st day of Winter, 2010.

The first day of Winter was surprisingly warm. At least, it felt warm to me. My colleague was mentioning that it actually was very cold this morning. Not sure if that was the case, but I do find that I get fooled if the sun is shining; I just automatically assume it is warm. Not that I mind being fooled in such way.

Fox FM was having the audience call in today to give their opinion of whether a lady, who's husband was suffering from serious depression, should give up and leave. Of surprise to me, the views were quite equally divided (52:48 for staying). Reasons for staying involved primarily around doing it for the children. Not disagreeing with that, I was quite surprised for the lack of mention for the husband himself. To me, would you leave a loved one if they suffer any other form of illness? "In sickness and in health", apparently. Find the balance, take care of yourself, but don't leave your husband, don't leave your friend. It could be the last straw to push someone from distress into utter despair.

New addictions can be... well, addicting.

Some good news on the commitment end of one of my good friends. Congratulations on your engagement, matey =) Good work =) Let me make you a strange tea/drink sometime in the near future to celebrate, in the usual Lytton St way. Thanking God in advance as I know he will look after you.

Everyone needs a bit of looking after; who did you look out for today? Send someone a message to let them know you're thinking of them. It could do nothing, it could bring a smile to someone's face, and in some situations, it's been known to save a life.

The last day of Autumn, 2010

I've noticed good things this last season... the ever-changing colour of the trees against many beautiful blue skies, the fact that so many weekends in a row, the sun was told to shine.

It could've been a lot harder, this last season. The pressures of some other activities in past seasons was not insignificant. The relative ease in which decisions could be made, the freedom that this season brought - for these, I am grateful.

Throughout the season, there were still days, where I would remember what happened. I would remember the hurt, the brokeness, the tears. It would drive me to despair, remembering those smiles unsincere, the lies outright, the pain extreme.

And while I have learned to see the colours of autumn this year, there are still days that I will throw the phone across the phone when you call, there are still days that I will curse profoundly when I hear your name, there are still days that my head doesn't stop hurting recalling what you did.

Thanks for helping me get through another season. Winter will be more trying. Help me let go. Help me help you.

May 19, 2010

Words I read today, on a blog belonging to someone of whom I don't believe I've officially met - "Check up on me every once in a while, show me that you still care about this friendship, I need the reminders".

Hoping that whatever it is, it becomes less troubling soon.

---

Check up on me every once in awhile.
Show me that you still you still care about this friendship.
I need the reminders.

All the time.

May 8, 2010

Went on a fairly long bike ride today winery hopping. Probably drank a bit too much. Muscles tired.

Read on someone's Facebook post today that, "If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love, if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough". Thank you for the reminder.

Don't mix your drinks, children. Don't drink and drive.

Time to hold still. No need to pick up yet, no need to be too ambitious. Just don't fall.

April 22, 2010

- I haven't had a Mars Bar taste that good in a long time. Yum.
- I'm hoping the starting of the new MasterChef series will plant a seed / inspire my housemates to do something great in the world (starting at home). I have one getting very excited downstairs at the moment... =P
- Yay for rests and breaks =)

April 20, 2010

I've typed and re-typed this post put kept deleting it because it seemed to attention-seeking. Truth is, I need help sorting out thoughts. I need help without too many opinions and advice. Thank you for everyone's good intentions, but it's been more overwhelming than anything.

Help me sort out my mind. Help me get out of this exasperated, helpless, exhausted state.

I started reading through SMS's since May 09. It's like reading a story going down a certain path, and it drifts away from that plot to an entirely different story without anyone noticing.

Goldilock's took something that wasn't hers - that wasn't right, but does anyone know, but where was Goldilock's home?

April 17, 2010

I've had a couple of friends who have spent the last 36 hours or so walking 100km without sleeping. To you all out there - respect, respect and further respect. Congratulations for finishing, and for those that didn't finish, congratulations for even starting. Seriously, even the thought of it, is, in someone's words, "traumatic". Terrific cause, and the mental strength to carry through with it - unbelievable. Great work, guys =)

I've really been feeling I've been getting a lot of strange requests. Unable to process and keep up with all of them. As I am not pyschic, explanations/chats appreciated, though not necessary.

I believe I can succesfully cook two vego dishes now. Yay.

April 16, 2010

It's been a crazy last two days. I haven't had something like that in quite awhile (if ever). It's good to be able to breathe again, take a step back and re-gain perspective. I'm glad it's Saturday tomorrow... and it will be a lazy one.

Sleepy.. good night.

April 11, 2010

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity"

There have been things to smile about this weekend.

There are some things you can't predict.

Quite a few conversations caught me by surprise today. Finding out people's circumstances had changed, some quite drastically - e.g. pack up bags, move cities drastic. What else? I watched my sister fly today; that is not something that happens everyday. Apparently she enjoyed it despite a bit of rollercoaster sensations initially.

I also went to a great dinner party tonight =) Great company and great food. I had been recovering from two week's of spicy food so had been quite unwell the last few days. Chicken parma and choco cake was the cure.

Lots of things happening in lots of people's lives. Remember, the first priority is to stay safe. Second priority is to stay sane.

Thanks for giving me reasons to smile today.

He's falling, and you're only allowed to watch.

It's difficult when friends get hurt. It's even more difficult when you see them walking right into a hole when all you can do is watch.

There's no particular need to say anything; it won't help. Sometimes people can get so caught up chasing a dream that they fail to see the dream will only cause more troubles and lead to more harm.

It's been difficult and in the past; I've lost sleep over it. I try to insulate myself from these things because it can be too much to bear, but technology has made it too hard for this.

Losing sleep - Who will that help? How will that make things better?

Instead, I'm going to give it to the King, especially on this Easter weekend. This King, who has infinitely more wisdom than I can even begin to imagine, I ask of him to take away my anxiety and paranoia, and to look after those whom I can only watch fall.

I mis-judged.

I was in the ocean.
The sun was warm.
The wind was pleasant.

I was about chest-high in water.
I saw some harmless waves in the distance.
The waves were far away.

I mis-judged.

The waves weren't that harmless.
The waves weren't that far.
I was standing on shallow ground.

The waves came crashing towards me.
I rocketed towards the beach floor.
I started bleeding and winced in pain.

I mis-judged.

The waves weren't that harmless.
The waves weren't that far.
I was standing on shallow ground.

I mis-judged.

You weren't that harmless.
You were too close.
... and I was reminded, when falling towards the ocean floor, just how shallow you are really are. It astounds me.

Thank you for being far, far away.

March 21, 2010, b.

There's a difference between wants and needs.
This time, I need your help.

For the first time tonight, I almost created a new way of messing up. I found out tonight how easy it was.

Help me do the right thing. This one is actually important. This one matters.

Thank you for your generosity.

March 21, 2010

Sat June 16, 2007 - Some things don't change.

March 16, 2010

I find it difficult to believe in those that show seemingly no/minimal weakness. Those that appear strong, especially during events that should lead to at least some sort of emotion to indication some vague trace of humanity inside that bodily shell, make me weary. Overly happy people during times of tragedy usually is a sign of denial, but after that initial phase, if no bubbles of emotion come out... that's it.

I appreciate weakness - to me, that is a sign of strength. Something raw, something uncontrolled - all should have this, at least once in awhile. No life can be that good.

I appreciate sincerity and a genuine heart.

Thank you for giving me opportunities to see this.

March 14, 2010

I played a shockingly awful game of tennis today due to physical exhaustion.

I want to take photos. If anyone ever feels like going for a walk let me know and I'll bring Ollie (my camera).

I wore a skirt for 12+ hours yesterday for the first time since the last wedding I went to (about two years ago). Actually I probably wore a dress at that wedding, not a skirt. I have decided to wear skirts at more frequent time intervals now as a sign of change. Thus do not be too surprised if you see me in a skirt (note it will probably be a long denim one as that is the only one I have that I like).

It is helpful to know what you can handle and what you can't. I am thankful that several people have taken the initiative to look after some issues that I currently am not in the position to handle. Thank you.

It came to my attention that, with the exception of weekends, I will have only 3 days off (the public holidays) from April 7 to Christmas. I will have to wear my "burnt" shirt more.

One would think if you left 5+ miscalls on a phone, the recipient would think it's at least semi-important/urgent and thus call back. Apparently, one is wrong.

On the plus side I inherited some baking trays today. Yay.

March 10, 2010

A couple of unrelated thoughts:

I have an appreciation for the "like" function on Facebook statuses. It is making Facebook even more passive than it already is. I'm finding myself cracking a smile, being amused, or just plain "liking" some statuses that have been popping up. While in the past I would attempt to string together a few words to represent some jumbled thoughts, and subsequently write it in a comment, the easier option has now been provided to just press that nice little button next to "comment", after which a thumbs up sign promptly appears.

I do not have an appreciation for the new digital lockers in the Melbourne Uni Sports centre. I had already heard some conversations in the locker room about how the lockers are a bit unreliable. Without taking that on board, I found myself in a situation where, after rinsing the chlorine off my body and wrapping myself in a towel, an unfriendly locker chose not to open for me after several attempts of entering in the password. Fortunately, I found a nice lady who went out and got a staff member to save me from distress. I did stand there for a long three minutes thoroughly missing my clothes though.

Triviality aside, certainty resides, and for that, I am grateful.

March 7, 2010

Thanks for the assurance of something certain.
Thanks for the peace and the calm.

Help me learn to walk again.
Help me learn to walk differently this time.

Thanks for not leaving.

____

"Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust..."

Until next time, Summer.

It was a cool summer's day that ended Melbourne's hot season this time around, giving Melburnians just a taste of what is to come in the coming months. As the Bureau predicted, the skies drizzled just that little bit, enough just so the sweet smell of rain could penetrate through.

I personally love autumn; it is my favourite season. I missed most of it last year; this year, I hope it will be different. It can sometimes be difficult to see as the lenses of brokeness give way. However, this year, this season, I will endeavour to treasure the beautiful autumn afternoon light and witness the glorious colour transformations.

Thanks for the assurance of something certain.

Or

Maybe it's the wind
Maybe it'll be better after the showers have passed
Maybe it's the fact that I was sick
Maybe it's because the virus has just gone home

Here in this world but apart from the body
Floating, disconnected, observing
Not there

Someone give me a push, someone shout
Reconnect my mind to my brain, reconnect my soul to my heart

Until then, not a word out of my mouth
For fear I explode
In words of
Anger
____

@$!!##!!#

Feb 21, 2010

Maybe it's the heat
Maybe it'll be better from this afternoon when the cool change comes.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm still sick
Maybe it'll be better when the virus goes home

Here in this world but apart from the body
Floating, disconnected, observing
Not there

Someone give me a push, someone shout
Reconnect my mind to my brain, reconnect my soul to my heart

Until then, not a word out of my mouth
For fear I explode
In words of
Anger

Feb 16, 2010

My family puts a lot of emphasis on celebrations/traditions/etc. e.g. Birthdays - we always, always call as a minimum. My grandparents would worry if they did not get a card from my dad on their birthday. It's like, if someone's that rarely late was one day late, you might get worried. It can be a bit extreme, but it's also nice.

It was Chinese New Year last Sunday.

The wine was green.

It tasted like red wine, but it was the colour of dying algae. Mine was served in a champagne glass, the girl next to me had hers served in a standard red wine glass.

I remember the wine vividly because it was what I stared at, played with, and eventually downed, when I'd found out where'd you gone. The girl next to me comforted me as I started running images of you leaving the table, goign to humiliate yourself. She poured me another glass of wine.

Another girl, one who was being celebrated that evening, and had been up on stage, she came and asked if everything was ok. I guess it appeared that things weren't.

I can't remember how the wine tasted.

Feb 12, 2010

The pressure builds, or so it seems
Expectations so high, at least at the time
It hurts so much but I don't know why

I've been blaming it on others
The earthquake far east, the cat that died
It hurts so much but I don't know why

I've been told it's not meant to be like this
I force myself from the hiding place of mine
It hurts so much but I don't know why

Stop the words
Keep away
It hurts too much that I cannot stay


___

It's been hard...

Over the last few days, I've been a bit sick.

Symptoms include being slightly feverish, sore throat, muscle pains, etc. Must be some sort of cold/flu thing.

I thought I was getting better but now it seems to be getting worse again. I realized it first this evening at dinner. I was at a Japanese restaurant and I realized the noodles were tasteless. It was beyond the normal "blandness" of food, it just completely tasted like nothing. Thinking it was a really strange occurence, I asked my dinner companion to taste the noodles. After a bit of a taste test we conducted on noodles, rice and the green tea, the conclusion was my taste buds have gone a bit wonky. I'm guessing it links in with the sickness.

You might not think not being able to taste is not the end of the world, and it really isn't, but I was just really fascinated how I could completely not taste the food that was entering into my mouth. I could smell it, and remember what it should taste like, but it was just... beyond bland.

It's not pleasant when it hurts too much to swallow, hurts too much to cough. Feel hungry but don't actually want to eat because it hurts.

I can't believe how bad I feel. I can't remember feeling this sick in awhile. I guess I take good health for granted.

I hope it goes away soon. Just like I hope a lot of other inconveniences will just go away.

Feb 3, 2010

Someone asked me how I was today.
As in really asked.

I was caught by surprise.
I hadn't been asked that in awhile.
I guess I missed it.
I guess I need it.

Makes unbearable things hard.
Makes hard things just that bit easier.

It is sometimes difficult when the conversation is one-sided.
Especially difficult when I need help too.

I'll keep trying.

Jan 30, 2010

Frustrated.

Australian Open 2010.

I find watching tennis really quite fun. Unfortunately I had to miss a lot of it this year. Nevertheless, I hope to watch as much of the remaining as possible as it does get the adrenaline going a bit.

I'm yet to have another favourite male single's player. I would find it a bit sad should Mr Federer not win the title this year. He is pretty amazing. I wouldn't say he's my favourite though, and for the sake of Britain, it would be quite interesting should Murray decide to play well.

The women's tennis has been interesting. 2 Chinese women left in the final 8 - Li Na and Zheng Jie, or, as the commentator's call the latter, Gee Jen. I'm a fan of Justine Henin, though, so as much as it would be quite interesting, and in fact, history-making, for Zheng Jie to reach the finals, I'm still sort of hoping for Henin. Actually, I can't decide. Definitely Li Na over the American brothers though.

On another note, I seem to have lost my tennis racket. Rather, it has been replaced by someone else's Prince racket. If someone happens to have a green Prince racket that is not theirs, but is missing their own Prince racket, perhaps we have accidentally swapped them. Please advise if that is the case, and we can make arrangements to hopefully clear this misunderstanding.

Yay, tennis.

Jan 18, 2010

It's been one of those days when I seem to find everything frustrating, get angry at absolutely nothing, muttering and cursing under my breath the whole day, and avoiding seeing people that matter too much (e.g. bosses) for fear that I might blow up about nothing. Sighhhs.

I did walk out of the house this morning and shiver though. That made me feel good. I haven't felt cold in awhile.

If someone could advise how to break the chain of frustration, it would be greatly appreciated. Until then YELLLLLLL.

Tomorrow will be better. I can tell.

How are you?