Dec 23, '08.

Highly amusing situation today.

“姓何的，八位。”
“姓何？没有哦。。。”
“没有？ 八位的呢？”
“八位？八位的也没有哦。。。”

Repeated a similar sort of conversation at various restaurants today. Highly amusing.

Oh, and I optimized my pleasure today. That's right. It was advertised as an intimate, yet casual atmosphere to optimize your pleasure". To prevent your funny heads from thinking further, it was a massage / spa place. All others had foot massages, but that's not really my cup of tea. My back and neck got some painful exercise though.

Oh, and went to a gallery today, but it wasn't a gallery after all. Thought it would have some sculptures, but in the end, it was just heaps of people following me around in some posh place trying to sell me diamond rings.

抱了。

Bladder advice.

Yes, exactly as the title says.

How does one increase the effectiveness of one's bladder? Fortunately, where I am now, public toilets abound, but having to go to the toilet five times a night is slightly irritating.

All suggestions/comments/mockeries welcome.

December 15,' 08

Pollution's not horizontal in Hong Kong. Some people have trouble getting their legs closer to their body. Limiting Facebook to minimal usage so photo-punching can be reduced. Something I miss a lot a lot in Melbourne - Castro's cappucino. HDR is pretty funky stuff.

Limits.

Let: f(x) be a continuous, well-behaved function.
... How does one forgive the defendent that pleads not guilty...?
The limit of f(x) as x approaches infinity is 0.

Doona preferences.

I was talking to this guy at a camera shop today. Within a minute of camera discussion, he was able to correctly guess my doona preferences.

I was talking about the weights of various models, and commented that I found the 450D a bit too light - makes it feel less sturdy and harder to grip. From that, he concluded that I prefer cotton doonas rather than down doonas. Call it luck, but actually, he's spot on. In fact, if it weren't for environmental and energy-saving purposes, I would prefer to turn on the air conditioner in the summer and sleep under a heavy doona. The weight makes sleeping more steady. Steady is good.

Lying under a heavy cotton doona now. Comfy.

One conversation.

You see a certain way. You think a certain way. You believe a certain way. You are so convinced, that not once did you ever even doubt that you could be wrong.

Then, you have a conversation. Just one.

All changes.

As with many great changes, the first stage is denial. No, something is wrong, it cannot be. Then, as the reality sinks in more and more, you decide, hey, let's give the benefit of the doubt. You invent excuses, you try to justify, you try to reason in your head, no, this cannot be.

But then, further sources appear. More evidence follows.

And then, you realize, it can be, in fact, it is.

And thus, because of that one conversation, you no longer thing that way. You no longer believe that way.

You no longer believe.

Sometimes I amaze myself.

The sheer willpower, the sheer determination.
No one patting me on the back for it, so I will do it myself - good work, Kei.

Side note: mountain climbing in search of a grave is quite an interesting experience.

Just do it.

Do what is the most beneficial to most people for the most amount of time.
Sheer willpower.
Just do it.

Images.

Some for experience, others from imagination, all meshed together, forming a collage of painful, bittersweet pictures.

Somehow, it has to become easier. Somehow, the imagery must fade. Somehow, the emotion must becoming less overwhelming.

Must stop imagining. Must stop seeing. Must stop the pain.

Have to believe again. Have to trust again. This is not a personal wish, rather, it is a personal command.

Somehow.

Dec 2, '08

I went to a photography exhibition today of the RMIT graduates. It had an interesting collection of photos. Some traditional photography, some fully digitally-manipulated, i.e. more graphic design stuff. I'm really glad I don't study photography though, it seems to suit me much better as a hobby.

Real coffee is good. Real conversation is good.

I will miss people.

November 29,' 08

- Heard Dvorak's Symphony No. 9 in E minor yesterday. First movement was very exciting. Have heard the second movement before, but never quite like that. Perhaps it's the combination of current emotions as well as the extreme talent of the orchestra that made me completely, utterly fall in love with it. For 10 minutes in time, I was in a different world.

- Liking the weather at the moment. Seems like it will last for a few days, which is good too. It's very refreshing to cycle in the middle of the night, wearing a t-shirt which allows you to feel the slight drizzle coming down.

- Drank vodka for the first time in a very long time yesterday. It's quite interesting how the senses and the brain functions. The first sip was quite exhilarating, with the blood shooting to the head and a million images and memories flooding re-appearing. It's a bit like smelling something you haven't smelled for a very long time. Apparently there's a "vodka blend" which consists of chilli and peaches saturated in vodka for a few months. That sounds like something to try.

November 26, '08

- I was told a few days ago that an era is ending. Uni has finished, DP is complete, the "sit down, listen, learn, and take notes" for the past 16 years has ended. I don't like to think of it as an end of an era. It's because I feel like one must reflect at era-ends. I.e. think about what went well, what didn't go well, how to improve. Thinking ahead, looking towards the future, making goals, etc. That's just too worrisome. Thinking about tomorrow is enough.

- I said to someone yesterday, "Loss/grief/pain/hurt = life = too difficult". The response? "I don't believe that for a second." That was encouraging.

- Someone said to me today, "Feel free to stay and be my slave." Ah, the irony. It's been good to be welcomed in a home. It's been good to have company. Even if it involves being a slave =) This, I think, is what I have been most grateful for this month.

- I was riding through uni today and was thinking, there are some parts of uni I will miss a lot, some I'm sure I won't even realize till a lot later. E.g. Castros. That place has helped me get through many sleepless nights. Long live their cappucino. There are some things I won't miss though, like the engineering computers that never work.

- Ask people how they are. Actually genuinely ask. Genuinely be willing to give your time to listen. You'll be amazed how many people need it.

- If anyone is bored anytime in the following week, please give me a call. I will almost 100% certain be free.

- I want a dog.

tick-tock..

...and then,
you forget how to forget.

... and then,
you see the face.
you hear the voice.
you remember.

Candlelight.

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle" - Erin Majors.

Light another candle. Even if you don't need the light.
Light another candle. Even if you feel warm inside.

Cuz for someone out there, their wick is ending tonight.
Cuz for someone out there, it's dark tonight.
Cuz for someone out there, can't survive.

You might not need it,
But someone out there,
Someone tonight,
Surely needs
Even the slightest
Glimmer of
Candlelight.

Sometimes you forget.

It's rare, but it happens.

You wake up thinking the day won't be enjoyable. You walk out of the house thinking you're not going to smile. You eat breakfast and you remember.

Then, you spend a good day exploring foreign areas with a good friend. Then, you eat a great three course meal for dinner. Then, you talk nonsensically about useless things till late hours at night.

During those times, you forget you that things shouldn't be enjoyable. During those times, you forget you're not supposed to smile. During those times, you forget.

Sometimes you forget.

Make the difference.

Small things can make a difference. Acing a paper. Eating a good steak. Seeing the sun shine.

But these things are often out of our control, or at least, there is a large element of uncertainty involved. Example 1. Unless you are a genius, or somehow managed to lay your hands on the paper before the exam, I reckon paper acing is quite a difficult task. Example 2. To get the perfect steak (and for me, by perfect I mean medium rare with this glorious colour of pink blood slowly oozing out), again, a bit too many variables involved. As for a guarantee that the sun will shine? Ask anyone who lives in Melbourne, no guarantees at all.

Some things, on the other hand, are much more in your control. Control that comes from within. Things that could, in fact, make a difference.

Of coures, not all that we can control is easy. E.g. Quitting smoking. Never tried, but from what I hear, it's quite a daunting task. How easy/hard and possible/impossible it is varies with circumstance, varies with time, varies with person.

But I believe, people can control a lot more than they think, people can make a much bigger difference than they imagine. I think we underestimate ourselves a bit too much.

We underestimate the difference a smile can make. We underestimate the smiles a word of thanks can bring. We underestimate the relief a hug can bring. We underestimate us.

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." - Theodore Roosevelt

Seriously. Try it.

Yes, it could make no difference. But it could make some difference. In fact, it could make a heap of difference.

It could save a life.

Simple maths.

It appears to be a discrete function. In fact, only two options are possible: 0 or -100.

There's nothing between 0 and -100. -20? -50? No, these numbers do not exist.

There are sometimes illusions of positive numbers. But, that's all that they are - illusions.

And even if not illusions, even if real, it's better to keep to 0 anyway. Then -100 won't seem that negative after all. -100 only seems such a low number when comparing to numbers such as +100.

Keep to 0. Keep to neutral.

Be nothing. Feel nothing.

Simple maths. Works all the time.

Ace the paper

I have an exam on Wednesday. 411-448 Bioenvironmental Engineering. Last exam in uni ever. Last walk to REB ever. Last time hearing them say "Candidates, you must stop writing now."

I have a feeling I will ace the exam. As will all the other of my lovely coursemates. I can tell, just from the discussions we've been having about it.

Example. I asked one of my oh-so-clever friends just now what Peter (our lecturer) said about Question 1b on the 2005 exam. The question describes a situation in which the BOD (biochemical oxygen demand) levels in sewater in an Antarctic region, were measured. Temperature of the seawater was -1.8C. The question then states: To satisfy that the results are valid and reliable you feel the need to ask the researchers who conducted the work the procedures they used to obtain the BOD values.

My clever friend's reponse was:
1. bacteria functioning
2. reproduction and respiration rate will be lower
3. i don't know

Call me an idiot, but I did not feel the answers really targetted the question. Never mind, I thought, let me think about it. Upon contemplating over her answers, I concluded that her first response referred to the fact the bacteria may not be functioning at -1.8C, and hence BOD levels measured would not even represent any bacteria. I concluded her second response referred to the fact that reproduction and respiration of any viable bacteria would be much lower than at ambient temperatures, and hence BOD levels measured may not be accurate. Finally, I concluded that her third answer was magnificent.

I then proceeded to check with her whether my conclusions of what she said was correct. She said they were, and I told her the most correct answer was probably #3.

She then decided to kindly summarize the answer again for me, this time saying:
so 1. bacteria might not be functioning at such low temp
2. respiration and reproduction rate will be slower
3. nina is pretty even at -1.8C

COOL. Yes, #3 is certainly most correct. That is certainly what the question was asking for.

I feel confident about this exam. Me, Nina, and the rest, will certainly ace it.

Hurrah.

It's just how it is.

Bad things happen. People expect good things to happen. It's true.

In all the everyday things people say - "have a good day", "happy birthday, wishing you a good year ahead". When people ask how someone is, and the answer is "good", then, generally, no further questions asked. However, if the reply is "bad", then the questions come.

Underlying these everyday sayings, underlying these wishes and hopes, is the expectation that life should be good. The expectation that we should be happy, and that good things should happen.

But. Think about it. Think logically. Why? Why should things be good, Whydo we deserve good things to happen? Why should there not be suffering?

There's no answer.

Expect life to be awful. Expect life to be crap. Expect tragedies to happen.

Expect reliable people to let you down. Expect those that love you to hurt you bad. Expect that in everything you do, you will fail.

Some say if you lower your expectations, you won't be as disappointed. That's true, but I reckon the real reason one should lower their expectations is because it is, for some reason, on average, set arbritrarily high.

I believe it is important to suffer a bit. Then when you're not suffering, you know. I believe it is important to be hurt. Allows you to appreciate being loved. I believe it is important to feel pain. Then can one only experience true pleasure.

I believe it is important to suffer. The emotions that linger, allows me to, in the smallest possible way, even begin to empathsize.

I believe it is important to be hurt. The scars deeply imprinted, makes me, motivates me, yes, indeed drives me, to consciously hurt others less. To be there for others more. To let others know they are cared for. To not give up on people, to not let them go.

I believe it is important to feel the pain. To have the knife, stabbed deep into your back, and wrenched around at least five times. I believe it is important to see the blood flowing, have your body yelping in pain. Stab it deeper, stab it further, take the knife out and do it again, get another knife, and stab from the other side at once.
Suffer. Hurt. Feel the pain.

It's important. It's vital.

...

It's just how it is.

November 13, 2008

Good things from today:
1. Relief from the heat wave. The cool breeze coming through my window now is just beneath heavenly. The rain was good.
2. Holding Max, my housemate's Pugapoo (cross between a pug and a toy poodle). Cutest thing ever. Wished we had a dog. Makes our house so much more lively.
3. The end of the red blood cell era.

2-week Freedom Plan.

2:30 in the morning, unable to sleep despite various trying various tactics. Thought, instead of being so unproductive, I would write down some things to do during the two weeks I have after exams and before going overseas.

Currently, the list stands at:
- Buying a new bedside drawer.
- Sorting out clothes in wardrobe (currently all sort of tossed around all over the shelves).
- Get a photo framed.
- Sort and clean out files from the last four years.
- Back-up all files on computer.

List isn't that fascinating at the moment. I reckon I could actually do all that in two days. Need to have more things to keep myself occupied.

Thus, if anyone is interested in doing anything in the latter half of the month, and I mean anything at all that might be remotely interesting, please feel free to share and care.

I think I might cook some funky stuff too. Our house tends to excessively cook and bake post-exams. Since it'll be post-uni for two of us, I can see a few feasts coming along. If anyone would like to be cooked for, that is also potentially an option. Note that this option is only open to those that do not have very peculiar taste in cuisines such as frog or dog.

Hm. Things that need purchasing overseas:
- Camera (model yet to be decided)
- External hard drive

Cool beans, hot jeans.

I'm for McCain. Thus, I'm uncool.

Right. both sentences above - pure lies. I am not for McCain. As for the cool factor, well, hm... that's up to reader discretion.

But, this post is not about me. It's about what the press is saying time and time again the history-making US election yesterday.

According to the latest news I read, 47% of Americans voted McCain. If maths serves me correctly, that's approximately 1 in 2 people voted for the guy. However, observing MSN statuses, Facebook updates, all the "O-BAM-A, O-BAM-A" random cheering you hear on the street (and yes, streets of Australia), one would think otherwise.

I reckon it's a generational thing. I reckon that for Generation Y, it is totally uncool to support McCain. Why? Cuz he's not black? Perhaps. Cuz he's 72? Perhaps. I don't know. But unless you are a hardcore Republican that speaks up to your beliefs, you will be unheard. In fact, I've found that most people that speak these days just assume you are pro-Barack, as if it would be impossible for someone to be otherwise.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against the new US presidential-elect, nor was I ever a McCain fan. My knowledge of American politics is limited; nevertheless, what strikes me as curious is this new Obama-craze that has left poor Republican supporters hiding under their hats.

I don't deny that it was an amazing campaign, and it is indeed a history-making election. Sometimes I wonder if people are just fooled by Obama's black-ness and his oratory rhetorics. Especially people that don't seem to really know what's going on, except that "it's in to be pro-Obama".

Then again... I just read somewhere that Sarah Palin thought Africa was a country. So... maybe there's a reason for this craze after all.

Best wishes to the new US President-elect.

Something that encouraged me today...

"Damn, can't believe you're still so logical and calm in a situation like this."
Sometimes one sentence can mean a lot. This was such sentence. Thanks, Mister.

On a different note, I saw the most funky bird the other day outside my house. I'm not familiar with bird species, but it was a green lil'creature some patches of blue, orange, and bright red. Was a bit of a fatty too. Cute. =)

$3.20

Yesterday, I was written a cheque. A rather generous cheque, I must say. It came to a grand total of $3.20. The story behind why I was given this cheque is a bit long, so I won't bother. But, let's just attribute it to someone's overwhelming generosity =D

This morning, I went to the bank to cash the cheque. The teller, after punching in the numbers and fiddling about with whatever else she does on her computer, tells me that it will take approximately three working days for the cheque to come through. She looks at the cheque again, then chuckles.

Guessing what was implied behind the chuckle, I said to her, "Don't worry, I think I can live with $3.20 for three days." She then goes, "You can buy a lot with $3.20! You could get a coffee!" I then say, "Turn over the cheque." She turns over the cheque, and right there is a-oh-so-artistic drawing of a steaming cup of coffee. She reads, "A cup of coffee - to Kei".

The teller bursts out laughing. She can't stop laughing for at least 20 seconds. She says something a long the lines of, "What are the chances??? Wow! Someone actually wrote you a cheque for that...?!?! So sweet!"

Hahaha. It's only just after midday, but I must say, that little experience with the whole being given the cheque thing, and then cashing it through and cracking up the bank teller made my day.

Thanks, matey. =)

Pray.

A few friends performed a song last week by Third Day, called "When the Rain Comes". Part of it goes a bit like this:

I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away

Before the songw as sung, one of the performers said something along the lines of "Many of us have friends that are going through difficult times, and we don't know how to help them. But take heart, be encouraged, just keep being there."

It is difficult not knowing knowing how to help. What makes it impossible is when the realization comes that, asides from being ears to listen, there's nothing you can do.

I'll always be here to listen. I'll always be here to nod and pretend things will be ok, even when we both think they won't. I'll always be there, to sit with you, and listen to the rain.

But... somehow.. I don't think it's enough.

And thus I shall pray.

I haven't prayed for a very, very long time. It's because I feel God doesn't listen to me. But then again, who am I to expect God to listen? And perhaps he has, perhaps I just haven't been very open. Regardless, I will pray. I wll try. It's the least I can do. Maybe God will listen this time, if it's praying for someone else.

For me, I live for the 5 seconds of the day in which it's not utter horror. For me, I live for the 5 seconds of the day that I see notice the sun shining. For me, I live for the 5 seconds of the day that someone makes me smile.

Sure, that's 15 seconds only.... but that's 15 seconds more than none.

I wish the same for you.
I hope the same for you.
I pray the same for you.

October 23, 2008

... why?

Unexplainable.
Not understandable.

NoT.aGaiN.

sighs.

No questions asked.

People have been telling me that recently that I have really good friends. It's not that I disagree - I know it for a fact. Knowing it and feeling it can be different though. Sometimes, something really small can make me feel it...

There's an unlimited number of ways to show friendship and care; similarly, it can be received and interpereted in a multitude of ways. For me, someone making time for me is very important, as well as someone asking (actually asking, not just polite asking) how things are. My closest friends are generally those I have spent an excessive amount of time with (in a good way :) ) and those that I can actually talk slightly beyond how good or the bad the weather is.

As for "feeling" the friendship...

The other day, I needed to know something quite desperately. It was a bit of an emergency. I called up a friend and asked for something rather out of the blue and I'm sure, a bit curious. What really, really meant a lot to me was that this friend, despite not knowing the context and the situation, without anyone questions asked, helped me to find the answer straigth away. There was none of this wanting to knwo the story / finding out the gossip / ulterior secret motives junk. It was a, no questions asked, I believe this is important information you need right now, and did something that meant a lot to me.

Another example. A little while ago, a friend of mine had to make a decision on the spot. Again, out of the blue, I gave a 2 second opinion - there was, once again, no time to ask questions, but surprisingly, the friend decided to take the advice on board, no questions asked. Afterwards, I did go about justifying my opinion, and, fortunately, was an opinion that this person agreed with but was previously unaware of, and thus, it worked out in the end. While I'm glad it worked out, it was a time when I "felt" friendship - in this, "no questions asked" situation.

I am, by no means, saying that this is easy. In fact, for myself, it is very difficult for me not to ask questions. There's only a very select few people that, if they told me I should jump off the ship (say because a giant boulder was falling on top of the ship but i didnt realize), I would actually do it. I have been told I need to learn to trust easier by many people.

Not all friendships can be saved. Some friendships, even if saving is possible, really just aren't worth the effort. I am thankful for the friends I have out there that I can count on. Not count on in every way - that's too much to ask for a single mortal being, but even in the small ways, such as the "no questions asked" ways, - thanks.

Raindrops forming.

Not the pretty kind.
Not the kind that forms rainbows after.
Not the kind that gives the nice smell of rain after.

The kind that leads to thunder, the kind that leads to a storm.
The kind that destroys buildings, kills people, breaks apart homes.

Dark clouds forming.
Walk in the rain, jump in the puddles.
Splish, splash, splish, splosh...

October 6, 2008.

Kate Miller-Heidke. I'm her latest fan. I enjoyed her songs more than Colbie's.

Motivation levels - low to non-existent.

Things I look forward to: Buying a new camera (an aside - war between Nikon and Canon still on, so if anyone has particular inclinations either way, suggestions would be appreciated), finishing red blood cells forever, finishing MBR forever, the last thing.... is .. a secret.

Needing some words of wisdom, a couple of punches, and someone to boss me around, make all my decisions for me and tell me exactly what to do.

DEAL.

A or B.

A or B. C or D. No one really cares. No one really minds. IT'S ALL LETTERS OF THE ALPHABET.

1 or 2. 3 or 4. NO ONE CARES. GET OVER IT.

$@*&(!!

Hurrah for Holidays

16 days of "holidays". Took 4 of them, and they were certainly 4 well-spent days.

At almost all points in time, it was at least one of: relaxing/peaceful/fun/funny/beautiful/interesting/inspiring.

Thanks to Mr Ritchie, Huai huai, 伦仔, Lin lin, and Zi zi for help making it fantastic.

Red blood cells are calling.

Sept 24, '08

There's some people I wouldn't mind calling every morning. Those that generally make the grey skies shine. But, can't do that. It's not a socially accepted practice (not feeling like going into why abiding to general social trends is important), plus, it can become quite a hassle for the phone call recipient.

Called someone this morning. One minute conversation. Made me laugh. Started the morning off for me with a smile. =)

Yay, Geelong today.

September 22, '08

Apparently it's holidays. Hmm.

If it was holidays, why am I still going to uni? Oh yes, that's right, because red blood cells and membrane bio-reactors are calling my name. HIIIII THERE MR LUMIFUGE AND MS MBR!

Fourth year, final semester - yes, we have officially gone insane. Most grateful thing is that... I have pretty fantastically awesome groups. Hm, yes, even Nina. I doubt she reads this, but in case she does... HIIIIII NINA I KNOW YOU MISS ME =D

There is some holiday cheer going on though. Tennis was funky business. Beachtime too. Some other cool things happening this week too.

I've unofficially declared this week my holiday week. Next week, hardcore Red Cross, hardcore pump design. Ideal situation: 2 minor equipments a day. Realistic situation: Geelongness, Toorongoing, Grampy-ampians. Hm... for once real wins ideal.

Yay, holiday.

A 'lil bit of bad... is good for you.

Too much good... is bad for you.

A little rebellion, a few mistakes, a hiccup here and there.... won't cause the world to come tumbling done. Although, an hour of fun vs. a week of beating oneself up and banging one's head against wall as an attempt to punish the utter stupidity? Hmmmm.

Perfect people scare me. A bit too ... unhuman.

On a slightly different note, I was told today that I have corrupted a lot of people. I take that as a compliment =D

September 16, '08

Sighs...

Need to learn to stop dwelling on ridiculous situations. Stop beating oneself up about it. Blame the system, blame the world. Although, supposed to be trying to stop generalizing the ridiculousness of a specific situation to the world...... sigh sigh sighs....

Distracting thoughts.. distracting thoughts. Okok. Learnt some pretty cool stuff about RAW files today. Never knew all that. I must be even geekier than I appear, with how excited I get about it. I get intimidated by very smart people. Start to stutter and not make sense.

Ridiculousness of the situation. Ridiculousness of the system.

Thankfully I don't know who it is to blame. Otherwise, punch slap WHACK BANG. Even though it's not their fault.

Sighs.

September 14, '08

Spring has brought about almost two whole weeks of consistently sunny days and ambient temperatures. Yay.

It's funny how we always want the impossible. It's not like there aren't other things available, other things possible. In fact, there's millions of options, options that are wise and logical. Some options are even... hm.. what's the word.. attractive. An attractive option, right there, thrown in the face, all ready, all yours, if you want it. But... don't know about you, but I seem to often want to go for the option that isn't an option at all.

Monologue: Stop this ridiculousness, no one thinks this is a good option. Not one person. Hence, forget about the foolish non-option, and embrace the many available, attractive, wise options

Righty. Good, Dandy. Say that enough times and perhaps one day I will actually believe it.

Looking forward to the holiday when I can actually afford to spend some time outdoors to enjoy the sunshine and warm temperatures.

Take A Bow - Rihanna.

How about a round of applause
Standing ovation

Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
And baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show, you really had me going
But now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it's over now, go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' about, girl, I love you, you're the one
This just looks like a re-run
Please, what else is on

And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
And baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show, you really had me going
But now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it's over now, go on and take a bow

And the award for, the best lie goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech

How about a round of applause
Standing ovation

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
But now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it's over now... go on and take a bow...

But it's over now...

Sept 9, '08

A conversation I had below. A direct result of too many red blood cells, too much membrane bioreactors... makes us all go a bit crazy. Note that the initial part of the conversation has been censored due to privacy protection purposes.

In response to a comment I make....

nina ?? says:
OMG.. u have a low taste in men
nina ?? says:
hahaha
nina ?? says:
u are very very pretty kei
nina ?? says:
go find more handsome guy
nina ?? says:
like peter scales
nina ?? says:
haha
K says:
hahahhaa~
K says:
I WOULD!
K says:
but he's TAKEN
K says:
by SOMEONE WHOS GREEDY
nina ?? says:
u mean elena?
nina ?? says:
or silvia?
nina ?? says:
definitely not me

Hahaha....

Mr Lumifuge. Mrs Mass Balance. Slowly but surely making us all go a lil bit insane.

Sept 6, '08

I want a black labrador.
I want a new camera.

I saw the first part of sunset today. It was a pretty sunset.

=)

September 5, '08

Talk.about.arrogance.

Not even going to bother with such ridiculousness.

Humility attracts me.

September 1, '08

I'm wanting a reason to smile, a reason that I believe in, a reason that matters. This reason does not seem to exist. Either that, or it's pretty talented at hiding.

Spring - various conntations, predominantly positive, many would argue... new life, new beginnings, youth, opportunies for love, etc.

September 1, apparently the first day of spring.

I reckon it's still the beginning of winter.

Just Save It.

Had an interesting discussion with someone today. Made me realize something.

I was whinging about the status of some of my friendships. You try and you try, but there's some instances in which I think even Mr Churchill was wrong - sometimes it's just time to give up. The person I was having the conversation agrees with me, and said something along the lines of, "Yup. Sometimes you think it's a pity. But then, it's better putting effort into other friendships worth saving."

Problem is, there was a time when I thought various currently doomed friendships were valuble, were worth saving. I guess some things are just too hard to predict.

Fortunately, some friendships are worth it. Some friendships are worth the effort, some worth the heartache, worth the pain.

Give up on what is already doomed. Save it for what could potentially last.

August 27, '08

- Almost got kidnapped today by kookaburra-voiced egg-throwing randoms as well as beaten up by a rather determined housemate grabbing fiercely onto an old golf club.
- Bioenviro was hilarious today. Cracked up on a few comments people made re: E. Coli and pH.
- Dinner was good tonight. There are some people that are just really easy to talk to. Thanks, matey.

August 24, '08

Mixed signals. I see myself giving them. I hear myself saying one thing, then saying the complete opposite. It's just as well that I don't talk to myself. Otherwise I would punch me for being so ... confusing.

Feeling safe - experience today convinced me that it was the heart of it all. Something about being physically near something trustable and familiar... rare moments of peace, rare moments of calm, rare moments of feeling.. so... good. Just a familiar presence standing in the corner of a big, empty hall can make the hall seem so much less big, so much less empty.

Sometimes there's no resolution. Sometimes there's just compromise. Ideally, most want resolution. Realistically, we'll have to deal with compromise.

Besides, the compromise isn't always that bad.

August 22, '08

Meant to write yesterday.. but forgot - there was a pigeon in one of my lectures. Apparently bird species are quite prevalent in classrooms in Singapore, but it was a first for me at Melbourne Uni. The thing is, it wasn't even in one of those outdoorsy sort of lecture theatres... Prince Phillip Theatre, actually, in the architecture building. The whole class jumped when the cheeky little creature flew across the front of the lecture hall. It certainly gave me a fright when it just popped out from under my seat. It amused me though. I love staring contests with animals. Makes me laugh.

Was waiting for a tram today, was thinking, isn't it interesting how even just a line of trees just outside one building can all have leaves with different shades of green? I mean, if you just ask anyone, "Hey, what colour are trees?" assuming they don't think it's a trick question and aren't colour blind, I reckon most people will say green. But if you actually examine closely, all threes have leaves of different shades of green (well, of course other colours too, but red/brown/orange colours aren't really in abundant in Melbourne these days). The shade, on one tree, is quite consistent though... There's no particular point I'm trying to make with this paragraph. It's just an observation.

I'm glad I was able to inspire some people. It was truly, truly unintentional. I guess it's cool when sometimes you don't try and you manage to do something good. Cuz... lots of times you try really really really hard and you still fail.

What inspires me, and what inspired me today, was hearing others' experiences. Was unexpected, but much needed and much appreciated. Thanks, matey =)

Ice cream

For all your life, you've loved ice cream. You probably don't understand what I mean by love... let me explain. It's like, people generally look forward to the weekend to take a break from work, or to go meet up with friends, or to go and see a funny show..... you look forward to the weekend because you could potentially eat ice cream for 48 hours. Not that you would... just a few tubs here and there, but just the idea of being able to consume the thing, it makes you smile. People ask you about this strange passion - is it the taste? texture? smell? It's all, you reply.

Experience shows though, that this ice cream makes you sick. The ice cream makes your face pale, your body shake, and your kidneys work like no other. The remains, after what has been digested in your body, exits your body from both sides, producing a rather unique and unforgettable odour.

Everyone else thinks you're insane. They, for one, can't stand ice cream. They faint in its presence. Haven't touched the beast for 10 odd years. But, putting asides their personal preferences for desserts, they also argue, you're 21, for goodness sakes. Grow up. It's not like you don't have any alternatives. All the cakes, sweets, and fruit tarts in the world are just an arms length away. In fact, you have people lining up at your house, knocking at your door, wanting you to try their latest invention. Why not try some of them instead? You might find that you actually like them too, and that they, unlike ice cream, does not make you sick.

After awhile, you yourself begin to think, what was is about the ice cream that you like so much anyway? Your mind draws to a blank. What is it about the other delicacies that puts you off? You don't know. When was the last time you actually truly enjoyed eating ice cream? You can't remember.

You begin to think that... maybe while you once liked ice cream, once loved it, in fact, it's just not something that excites you anymore. The reason you still go after it is that you have for al ong time, and it has just become a habit. For so long, everytime you thought of the thing, your brain sent certain signals, such that it is now automatically programmed to do so, independent of your feelings/wants. But the taste that once sent chemicals flying to around your body, the smell that used to make your mouth wet, the texture that seemed to complement all the bumps on your tongue.... all this, you experience no more.

...

When I was young, I fell to the ground and injured myself chasing after an ice cream man. I should've taken it as a sign.

Relaxation.

I've been instructed to try and stop turning everything into an intellectual exercise, and instead, feel (sensory) more. Sight, smell, hear, touch and taste. Sounds a bit... wishy-washy. But apparently it will help. Unfortunately, it's a bit too hard to achieve.

Intellectualize less: apparently that's what I do, but I don't really get what it means. All I know is the brain is always working. It's hard to do nothing. e.g. In lectures, if the lecturer is being boring, I quickly scan subsequent slides, and if I understand it already, I stop listening. Not being able to do nothing, I start sms-ing, reading the news on my phone, looking around at fellow classmates... another e.g: At a party the other night, everyone was dancing, really really into it, and no matter how hard I tried, my head wasn't in it. One could attribute it to my horrific dancing skills, but what I found hardest was not to start looking around, thinking about something else. Mind doesn't seem to shut-down, or even go on standby, not even when I'm sleeping.

Feel more: I asked what this meant. Apparently, to use the five sense more. Suggestions I got were taking hot baths, doing yoga, putting up scented candles, touch / be touched. Those that know me would know I inwardly scoffed at such suggestions. Most were quite uncharacteristic of me.

I was asked what I did for relaxation. Thing is, I don't have any activity in which relaxation is the goal. Some things turn out to be relaxing, of course, like sitting at the beach watching the waves... but usually only when there's time for that. Take photos... that is something that I find very relaxing, and satisfying, when good results are produced.

Of course, there are other relaxing activities. Ones that bring the mind to an abrupt halt, ones that makes you forget completely everything else that is going on in the world. But... such activities, in my words, are not sustainable. Most others would say, activities that are "bad for you".

Hence, I am open to suggestions. Suggestions for relaxing activities that calms the mind and decreases brain activity.

Criteria: the activity must be "good for you".

Blood rush.

Need to feel fluid flowing through body.
Need to feel blood running.
If no flow... we may as well be corpses.
Do what it takes to keep the blood flowing.
Feel good.

August 18, '08

Egg.sauce.ted. Received process development report outline. My no sleep begins now and will continue for the next 10 weeks.

Ongoings of Lytton St household: "Mr XX is coming for dinner tomorrow night. I told him you're famous for your lasagne. He'll be here at 7... thanks Kei!" Haha... in the end, I couldn't make the lasagne due a pan being lent out. Dinner was good.

Something I say to people on an occasionally-regular basis: "If you're wondering whether you should call, the correct answer is always that you should." If people don't want to talk, they'll turn off their phone, they'll screen your call, they'll shout profanities into your ear when they pick up. Alright, being cursed isn't that pleasant... but still, point is, call. Experience tells me the majority are waiting, hoping someone will call. Strip down the pride, call, rock up, dare to show you care, acknowledge people's existence.

Luck/unluck is always a factor. Qantas's currently state, I feel, is a prime example. Forgetting to empty the toilets and therefore having to divert the plane to the closest city? That's plain unlucky, especially in light of all the other incidents that have happened in the last few weeks. It was a mistake of the ground crew. It could've happened to anyone, at anytime. It happened today, to Qantas, because of unluck.

OH. Keep meaning to write bout this but keep forgetting. Recently, quite a few people have come up to me and told me they read Nothing of Particular Importance. Just want to say a word of thanks. Certainly, all readers are welcome, and it is open to all, but it still freaks me out sometimes when I "accidentally discover" people that I didn't know read it are regularly customers.. Would rather know straight up, it seems less deceptive, although the reason for that is completely unjustified.

Laughing is good. Sleeping is good. Hence, going to climb into bed now. Hopefully sleep will happen. Perhaps even some laughing. Funny dreams?

August 17, '08

- I saw a cute dog today.
- Service at Papagino's is terrible; don't know why I keep going.
- Two ways to live, two ways to die.
- Roger Federer won doubles gold. Go, Fed-Express.
- I want an SLR camera. Don't know why, but leaning towards Nikon.

There are two lil monkeys wrestling in my mind. One has been winning for quite a long time. That's the one that doesn't think, the one that loses control, the one that gets hurt.

The other lil monkey is getting stronger though. I guess being punched ten times makes one immune to pain. Either that, or the bee has lost its sting, the sword is now blunt, what used to hurt... hurts no more.

Hm. Moving forward, moving on. Haven't quite reached the pot of gold yet, but definitely over the steep part of the rainbow. Provided no more setbacks, no more distractions, no more nonsense.

Cruise control. Dandelions - sleep time.

I'm incredible.

Sometimes I just have to give myself a pat on the back, cuz damn, I'm pretty incredible.

Disclaimer begins: I'm pretty lousy in a lot of areas. Example: clumsy, forgetful, always misplacing things, etc. I also have some pretty lousy characteristics - absolutely no patience with a lot of people, I'm one of those people you wouldn't want to be your prac partner if you have no idea what's going on. I'm lousy at singing too. Disclaimer ends.

But, today I'm not going to put myself down. Today I'm pretty impressed with myself. I'm pretty incredible. In fact, I'm unbelievably impressed with myself.

I'm impressed I can put up with so much of people's nonsense. I'm impressed I can time and time again enter into the same ridiculous situations and listen to people's incessant, pointless chatter. I'm impressed I can go into a conversation, knowing that I will feel worse at the end of it, because we all just oh-so-love being mocked and put down. Survived before, history tells me I'll survive again.

I'm incredible.

Good work, Kei.

What counts?

I'm getting tired of people acting like people count for nothing.

Prime example: making time for people. I mean SERIOUSLY. Yes, people are busy. I'm busy, you're busy, the world's busy, the 21st century Western world could probably quite accurately be described by the word "busyness". But for GOODNESS SAKES. There are 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 30 days a month (approximately). Surely in 5,000 hours of busyness, people could make time for people...?

To me, sending one sms a month saying "hiiiii how are you?" is not considered making time. To me, running into someone on the street and saying to them, "HIII it's been too long, let's catch up" but totally not following-up on it is not makign time. To me, calling someone up to say, "HIII how are you oh by the way can I borrow your xxxxx and can you teach me yyyyy" is not considered making time.

Perhaps that's just the way it is now. It seems that people will only meet up with others if there is a special occasion, or, in less of a euphemistic way of saying it, if there is an obligation to. Example - required to attend a birthday celebration, required to attend a 21st.

Or, people will only bother to call up if they know disaster is falling. "Oh no, I heard that Jimmy is in the hospital, I guess I have to pay him a visit!" or "Oh no, Jimmy's dog just died, I guess I have to give him a call." The "oh no" of both exclamations, by the way, is reference to the fact that this unfortunate person will now have to be *severly* inconvenienced as a result of Jimmy's situations, not because of Jimmy's situation at all.

I guess thinking positively, at least there's a shred of sensitivity left in humanity - that in times of crisis, we know to reach out. But it's not everyday someone is in the hospitals. It's not everyday someone's beloved pet iguana died. It's not everyday that someone's having a crisis. But it IS everyday that people need to feel cared for, people need to be encouraged, people need to think that they matter. Even if someone is having an absolutely brilliant day, I would argue that they would get greater satisfaction if they could share it with someone.

The most PATHETIC excuse, from my point of view, is the Christians that claim they're too busy because of church commitments, too busy going to Bible study or leader's meeting or this and that. Why does this irritate me most? Because one of the main teachings, and even preachings, of the Christian belief is to love others as Christ loves them. Then for GOODNESS SAKES show a bit of that love.

Right. Final semester, fourth year engineering. Yes, it's supposed to be a hard year. Yes, it is a lot of work. And yes, I need to almost become a slave to my wastewater treatment plant if I have any hope in redeeming my rapidly slipping marks from the last two semesters. And I have been working hard. Uni is hovering near the top in terms of priorities. But no, it is not my life.

An hour in 5000. Is that too much to ask?

Perhaps people don't count after all.

August 10, 2008

Believe in the existence of God. Check.
Believe that Jesus came into the world to die for humanity's sins. Check.
Believe that if we turn our lives to Christ, we will have eternal life. Check.
Believe that if we do not repent, we will go to hell. Check.

Turn life to Christ? No check.

Mind's believes in certain consequences of certain action. But the muscles/thoughts/energy driving certain action is currently completely independent of the mind's beliefs. Why? Don't know. How to change? Don't know.

Perhaps queries on the goodness of God, on whether he is fair, on whether he can be trusted... all those are just excuses to justify inaction. Perhaps I don't really care about God. Perhaps I don't really care about following him. And perhaps I don't really care about the consequences of this attitude of indifference. Tried a lot to change. Change isn't coming. Time to stop trying.

On an unrelated note, I drove to uni today. That's right. Far too cold to walk or cycle. Let's save the environment all the way.

回想起来

我到了這個時候還是一樣

夜裡的寂寞容易叫人悲傷

我不敢想的太多

因為我一個人

迎面而來的月光拉長身影

漫無目地的走在冷冷的街

我沒有你的消息

因為我在想你

...

Email.Email.Email.

A bit sick of replying them. Feel like that's what I do the whole day, replying emails. Just when I feel like I've cleared my inbox, another 5 new emails pop up.

Of course not all emails are irritating. Ones that inform me about a job offer, for example, is often welcomed. Funny jokes that people send occasionally, albeit a bit dirty, can be interesting. Or the "HIII we haven't talked in ages and I was just thinking of you and decided to drop you a line and see if you wanted to meet up" is fantastic.

BUT. Those emails make up 5%. The other 95%. OH MY GOODNESS. Emails organizing meeting times, changing meeting locations, the one with six different files attached that you have to spend about an hour pondering over, and the ones that just go back and forth deciding where to go, what to do, what to wear, how come fish live in water....

Alright, maybe not. But it is rather tiring having to reply emails all the time. I guess it's better than six million text messages about similar issues. Not that 10 MB of blood degradation related topics could fit in the memory of my humble little Nokia 6120, but who knows.

I should stop whinging. Seriously. Email is a great tool. I actually love it. Usually, if I can't be bothered to call someone, I'll just email them, even if it's just one line, like "Your turn to bring food" - and then feel a bit lighter because have handballed the responsibility to someone else and can totally forget about it. Too bad if they don't check their email often. Saves you from having to go through the "Oh how are you" small talk that you are forced to make over the phone.

The oh-lets-be-oh-so-polite emails, the ones that often end with "kind regards" or "yours sincerely" OHMYOHMY I am sick of them.

In conclusion. Send me an email. Send me an email that I can reply in a simple, one word, "haha", to.

I might love you for life.

***

Ok I am not in a nice mood today. Missed various busses and late to various meetings. Not an excuse, just an explanation. Unreliable public transport. SIGHSER.

Next time, I will write a nice post. A heartwarming, loving, awwwwwwwww post.

But for today, anagram of CUFK, to keep this blog open to General Audiences.

Fuzz.

Fuzz. Fuzzy. Fuzz. Fuzzy. Fuzz.
Squiggly lines zig zag zig zag zig zagging across.
Motion. Swirly movement. Up down round and around.
Droplets. Colloids. Floating sinking rising falling.

No more thinking. Exhausted.
Do whatever you like. Think whatever you like.
I'll oblige. I'll agree. I'll give in. I'll obey.
Too tired to try. Too tired to care.

Nothing but fuzz.
Fuzzy fuzzly fuzziness.

A Lil' bit of kindness.

18 hours of horror. 18 hours of pain.

Kindness goes a long way though: SMS-es, phone calls, people calling to ask for advice, people offering to go out and buy me things that I need... my DP group seems very understanding too. Extraordinarily so. It worries me a little.

Yes, 18 hours of horror. 18 hours of pain. But in the 18 hours, there was probably a sum total of 1 hour of kindness. And the one hour of kindness erased away the 18 hours of pain.

A little bit of kindness can go a long way.

Ring ring...

2 hours away from phone - 11 miscalls. You would think that one would feel loved.

I don't.

My Little Halogen Heater.

I recently made a very good purchase, a little halogen heater.

It's a pretty funky little object. It rotates, for one. Not a 360 rotation, but just enough to promote sufficient heat circulation without you going dizzy looking at it. It has a safety grill, which is good as I am often quite clumsy and can have papers flying everywhere. It also lights up, and the brightness of the light depends on the wattage you set it to. For those of you that have visited my current residence, you may understand how a little extra light is more than welcome.

People find warmth through different means. As for my two cents (probably a cent and a half, but anyway), when you find that little extra warmth, try hard not to let it go. You may still shiver - but perhaps what you had hoped for was unrealistic, perhaps what you dreamt of did not exist. Just because you didn't manage to catch a sun ray or name a star after you, it doesn't mean the little halogen heater has no use.

It's amazing how much a little extra warmth can do.

Once you find some, yes, even if it is a humble little halogen heater, try hard not to let it go.

Taco and Pudding - I MISS YOU!

Webcammed with my cuzzie tonight. Rather, I webcammed with her dogs. PUDDING AND TACS I MISS YOU!

I like how they love people. They follow people all around the house. When someone enters a prohibited area (e.g. bathroom), they know not to go in, and so sprawl themselves on the ground, right outside. After my shower, I've completely forgotten about them, but when I open the door, I see them quickly jumping to their feet, looking at me expectantly, ready to keep going.

I like how they are best friends. I like how, every morning, they leave some of their food from their own bowl so that the other can have the rest. I like how they wrestle and play with each other. I like how Taco, being big and tall, follows lil Pudding around knowing Puds is boss. I like how they snuggle close and fall asleep together every night.

I like how they have a good nature. I like how raised voices, violent motions and arguments anger them. I like how they can distinguish between excitement and unwanted chaos.

I miss seeing their tails wagging. I watching them fool around outside. I miss hearing dog sniffles from under my bed.

I miss always having someone to hug at home.

Tacs and Puds - stay cool, crazy fellas. SEE YOU SOON.

Meaningless.

i.e. No meaning.

There's enjoyment. There's fun. There's relaxation. But I have learnt that it doesn't last.

When it comes down to it, there is no meaning.

Life is meaningless.

Missing Keys.

Lost my keys today. I reckon it's about 100km north of Melbourne. No real way to find it. Lost cause.

The missing keys will cost me approx. $100, because one of the keys, I was the only that had a copy. Thus, will need one new lock + getting new keys to the other locks.

I was rather irritated at it. I mean, that's $100 for absolutely nothing. I mean, I'd rather spend $100 on something worthwhile. I'd rather give someone I know $100 for fun rather than some locksmith.

Two people gave me rather interesting insights though:
1. "Don't worry, you'll earn that back in less than half a day next year!"
2. "Don't worry too much, at least it's keys you lost, and not your friends."

Good point. Still irritated. But a bit less.

Not sure 'bout God.

Do I believe in God? If "to believe" encompasses only "to believe in the existence of", then yes, I believe in God. But if it includes trusting, giving your life to, etc etc, then not really.

In general, I do believe in what the Bible says. Yup, call me crazy, but I believe in creation, the resurrection, the crazy miracles, all that. But the thing is, God doesn't seem very fair to me.

God commands people to love him. But not everyone is given equal chance to do that. Some living in very remote/poor places have no access to the Bible. Some people just think and philosophilize a lot about these issues, making it more likely that they encounter God.

I see lots of people living pretty satisfactory lives. Perhaps not happy, or completely content, but they are, in general, satisfied. These people often just have no desire to get to know God. Many aren't brought up in religious settings, many have had bad experiences with the church.

Not everyone has equal access to God. It is easier for some to love God than others. Seems like God's not really being very fair.

And this doesn't even consider whether the command to "love God" is even fair.

When the Righteous fall.

There are some that I call "The Righteous".

From an outsider's point of view, The Righteous have it all together. Their lips are always curved up in a smile, they always say the right things, they have their lives together.

Then there are the normal citizens. For argument's sake, I will call them the Unrighteous. Now you may have guessed, the Unrighteous doesn't know how to smile. The Unrighteous always says the wrong thing. The Unrighteous seems only be to be good at one thing - messing the society, hurting the world, more and more each day.

As a result, the Unrighteous feels intimidated by the Righteous. The Unrighteous feel inferior to the Righteous. The Unrighteous cannot relate to the Righteous.

One day, the Unrighteous finds out that the Righteous is not righteous at all. In fact, it appears that the Righteous has an awful history, a shameful past, something that has been attempted to be hidden for many, many years.

Yes, it is something the Righteous is ashamed of. Yes, it is something the Righteous would not want to do again. But the Unrighteous is glad to know of it. The Unrighteous is glad to know that even the Righteous are human, even the Righteous fall.

Singaland Adventures - Part III.

I was asked what I learnt / took away from Singaland. In no particular order, and in varying degrees of significance:

- Singaland service is great - people are so friendly.
- Humour in Singaland is very different from that which I'm used to.
- Some people are worth it. Most aren't. Must lower expectations.
- Try to value others. Keep trying, even when it's unreciprocated.
- Tiger beer is rather appalling.
- Mambo is Mambo. Enough said.

No More.

The criminal doesn't always caught. The criminal doesn't always get what he/she deserves. Innocent people often pay for crimes they didn't commit. But, not always,

Things that were said/done ages ago, things that you tried to hide.. can come out.
Secrets you hoped people would keep, well, sorry, it's too late.

Stupid. Loser. Idiot.

No more.

Traitors.

Liars, traitors, cold-hearted don't-carers.
Cannot be trusted, cannot change.
That is the case. That is all.
No more.

Singaland Adventures - Part II.

Songs of the Sea is amazing stuff. So impressed.

I've been told I'm quite patient. Other people in my position might have slapped someone by now. I don't think I'm particularly patient, I am just too busy observing and being amused to be too irritated. People are interesting.

One of the many adventures of the day: Wandering about an island looking for someone's lost key. When finally found, the happy camper attributed to the loss of the key to "being in love". Sigh.

I'm spending a lot of time with someone that enjoys talking to herself. Rather bizarre, but she's cool school. Never have to explain everything. Occasionally explain one or two things. Usually there is an understanding, if not, compromise is always quickly reached. Awesome possum.

Singaland Adventures - Part I.

It is interesting being a tourist. Everything can be interesting.

Example: taking a bus. Everyone walks briskly on the bus, swipes their card on the machine thing quickly and takes a seat without thinking twice. As a tourist, you go on the bus, enquire on the fare, bus driver patiently waits for you to figure out the difference between foreign coins, and instructs you exactly where to put the coins and where to obtain the receipt. Meanwhile, other passengers are shaking their head, thinking, "Stupid tourists." It is fortunate that my sense of direction is not too appalling. Slight glitch today in where to get off the bus, but worked out quickly what to do. The bus experience was an adventure.

Singaland is in so many ways like Hong Kong that it is scary. The way the people walk around quickly, with determination, carrying heaps of designer brand shopping bags. Food is never in shortage. In the city, short shorts are everywhere, while in the more "suburban areas", pyjama -looking attire is apparently acceptable.

I made a friend yesterday. She's pretty cool. Apparently she was scared at me at first. She told me later on in the night, "I was scared of you when I first met you cuz you dressed scarily." It wasn't my fault I was at a party where the theme was "Unglamorous". She warmed up to me after I decided to call her Johnny. We totally hit it off when I let her call me Shaunny. Made me work really hard though. Made me crawl on the floor like a crab, made me wrestle, thought that tickling me was the world's greatest game, oh and made me draw robots. Oh, she's six years old.

Singaland is really green. That's the first thing I noticed.

Insomnia.

Fun.

...

Sighs.

Wimbledon 2008.

Some sensational matches, this Wimbledon. Some absolutely unbelievable plays by some absolutely unbelievable players.

The hilight for me was certainly the men's singles final. During the tiebreak of the third set, I was so sure that I was about to witness the downfall of a champion. Yes, all winning streaks will come to an end, but in straight sets? It was a horrifying thought. Fortunately, I was wrong, and Federer took both the third and fourth sets in the tiebreaks.

Massive respect goes out to Nadal - fighting back after losing many opportunities to break, 3 or 4 matchpoints, and from coming back in the fifth after being two sets up initally. Massive respect for Federer too - certainly not a good day for him; it was probably his serves that saved him from a greater loss. But the ability to remain calm, and saving himself from so many potential disasters - amazing. Perhaps one of my greatest admiration of the two players were the humility they displayed throughout. Great sportsmanship.

Another hilight of the tournament - the reappearance of Safin. Ohmanohboy is he my all-time favourite player. Making it through to the semi-finals was totally unexpected, since the draw put him in a second-round clash with Djokovic. Bonus points for Safin for knocking out the knocking out that arrogrant lil' guy.

Another pretty cool thing was Zheng Jie, a 25 year-old from China, ranked 133 in the world, made it to the semi-finals. The loss to Serena Williams, although only a two-set loss, was still pretty close in my opinion. Certainly a great effort.

I always get some post-open withdrawal symptoms after Wimbledon and the Australian Open. Hmm... until next year then.

Cricket Chatter.

In Melbourne, crickets make sharp, distinct noises. The rhythym is irregular and the pitch fluctuates. It is as if they are engaging in a rather interesting and passionate conversation.

In China, the sounds the crickets make are more muffled, more indistinct. The pitch, on the whole, is lower. Monotone, constant, but slowly getting softer, slowly fading away - it is as if they are struggling to even stay alive.

The cricket can all chatter, the cricket can all produce some noise. But listen closely - what they're saying is not the same.

Listen to the breathing. Listen to the small gasps of air the Chinese cricket suck in between each whimper. Listen closely and you will hear - some.crickets.are.not.ok.

July 1, 2008.

Two pretty awesome people are 21 today. Not with either of them, unfortunately, but am thinking about them on their special day and hoping for great things to come their way this year. Happy birthday, pallies =)

Went away this weekend to the Grampians with a pyschopath, a pregnant man, a sexy-double-legged-lady, and one who is rather attached to the toilet. Three seconds of peace was felt while watching the sun rise from Wonderland car park. The colours were astounding.

And now, I will now be temporarily fleeing the cold.

June 26, 2008

Learnt a couple things today that I thought I should write down. You never know what might come in handy one day.

1. In Singapore, talking cock = talking nonsense - credit to the girl who likes pink elephants.
This apparently is will come in ver useful to me when I head in that direction in a few weeks time. Additionally, I am supposed to be practicing my Singaporean accent. So how? Can, la.

2. Technically, you can marry anyone, it doesn't make much difference - credit to the person I had coffee with this morning.
Conversation came up because I mentioned that I found it shocking that so many people stay married for as long as they do. Surely someone would've "accidentally" thrown a pot at someone and killed them by the fifth year of marriage or something? According to this person, "feelings" that people associate with "love" fade within about two years, and it is pretty hopeless to be looking out for the "butterflies in stomach" feeling in potential partners. Thus, according to this person, as long as the other person is semi-decent, and you semi-get along, you might as well get married.

3. Stoke's law: Don't penetrate girls that are under 18, cow - credit to an interesting fellow in my course.
This will probably only be understood by chemical engineers, or those familiar with Stoke's law. However, this is surprisingly very useful. Was able to answer a number of questions after learning this. Hopefully it will prove useful tomorrow as well.

You learn something new each day.

Today I learned three.

Little Miss Pity.

There once was a girl, this girl's name was Miss Pity.

As you could imagine, this girl had lots of issues. First of all, what sort of a name is Pity? She would often introduce herself, saying, "Hi, I'm Pity". The stranger would quite innocently reply, saying "Pretty, did you say?" And Miss Pity would have to shake her head, and say, "No, Pity." Yes, pity... in more ways than one.

That's just the name though. Miss Pity had plenty other things to worry about. You see, she was an actress - this was her job. And how she was good at her job. Most people in her local town had seen at least one of her plays, and news had spread even to nearby towns that there was a rising star nearby. Yes, people were starting to come and see her from afar.

The interesting thing is, though, although Miss Pity was a brilliant actress, people generally liked to see her in a very narrow range of styles. In particular, they liked it when she played humorous roles, such as a crazy clown, a talking chair, a dancing leopard...

Miss Pity by nature did not understand humour. It was not something she had much exposure to at all. But, for the sake of having bread on her table, she learnt it. When performance time came, she put a big smile on her face she juggled, she danced, she made jokes. Yes, Miss Pity knew what she had to do.

But as soon as the applause ended, as soon as the curtain drew, Miss Pity's smile would fade. She would strip off her costume, crying in pain. She would then run, naked, down the dark and narrow alleys, all the way home.

The thing is, Miss Pity didn't know humour. Miss Pity didn't know fun. She could pretend and laugh and clap and scream, but that's all it was - pretending.

Miss Pity gets home, lies under her blanket, and cries herself to sleep.

Meanwhile, the crowd at the theatre slowly makes it's way out, praising Miss Pity for, once again, another brilliant performance.

It's like being in love.

Not the good kind. Not the happy-ever-after kind.

No, rather, it's like loving someone who doesn't love you back. It's like loving someone who isn't right for you. It's like loving someone who doesn't believe in love.

It's like being in love because it's unreasonable. All logic in every neuron in your brain tells you that it doesn't make sense, that no, you are in fact wrong. But the emotions are too strong, the feelings are too overwhelming. You can't hear your brain no matter how loud it shouts.

It's like being in love because it's painful. It hurts when you think about it. It hurts when you talk about it. At the same time, you want to think about it. And oh, how it helps when you talk about it.

It's like being in love because it seems never-ending. Many around, most who mean well, say "time heals", or "just give it time". But whether the other party reciprocates your love, you beileve that this love you have, this love you feel, will last forever.

No, I am not in love. Far from it, in fact.

But it's like being in love.

Truly, madly, deeply.

Release.

Seriously.

It's like. WHOOF. BANG. Let's just punch the living daylights out of you, right here, right now. Sweat-oozing, saliva-dripping, blood-splattering punching fiesta.

Oh, what fun. Oh, what joy. Oh, what release.

The problem is, the fiesta is just in my head. The problem is, the anger is internal. The problem is, I can't externalize it. Don't know how.

Anger at yourself. Anger at the other. Anger at the situation. Anger at the world.

Don't know why I bother. Seriously I might stop bothering... right... about.... now.

It all starts in the upper back.

It then creeps up - spreads throughout the shoulders and creeps up the neck. From the neck, it proliferates like an unstoppable plague; it penetrates all parts of the head, terminating at the brain.

Stretch your arms behind your back - give it a whack. It's still there.
Lift your head high - bang it hard against the desk. It's still there.
Take a deep breath - run into the wall.

HIT. BANG. POUND. SLAM.

It remains.

Hollowness.

Not Emptiness.
Just Hollowness.
A.Big.Concavity.Of.Nothingness.
Someone.make.me.feel.
Someone.make.me.feel.something.
It feels hollow.