Good things that happened today...

1. Found out that Birthday Girl is even more of a genius than previously thought. Congratulations on the 99.95, mate!
2. Ate this DELICIOUS chocolate cake made by housemate. Tastebuds have not felt such a marvelous sensation in a very long time. (Although, nutella cake and $10 steak comes incredibly close).
3. Had a good time relaxing with CU people this afternoon.
4. Terrific weather - sun bright but not the harsh/intense sort, breeze comforting, and temperature just right.
5. Managed to finish my section of prac report. Just waiting for prac partner to send his back now.
6. Only took me 2 minutes to think of the above 5 points. Often struggle to think of even one.

Sunny day....

Someone's 18 today.

To that someone:

Being the wild, party animal that you are, I know exactly how you intend to spend your first day of adulthood:
- Morning: buy a carton of cigarettes.
- Lunch: who needs lunch? Smoke a few packs.
- Afternoon: rock up at a casino and try out your luck.
- Night: club, get picked up by a random guy, and drink like a fish until the early hours of the morning.
Make the most out of being 18, right? =P

Alternatively - you might choose to get together with some of your "pallers", take stupid photos, eat cake, and chill out at home till late at night.

Hmmm. I wonder which of the alternatives you will pick.

On your birthday - I would like to say thanks for all the crazy talks (e.g. kooglies, "yo yo duddee, yo yo duddee", fatty), good laughs, and support.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MATE! Hope you have a fannnntastic day.

-"K-ser"

Roll With The Punch.

The last few weeks have been rather wall-punching. Someone smiling on the street? Want to whack them in the face with my books. Hear laughter? Want to shove a rat in Mr. and Mrs. Happy's mouths. Sunny day? The rays are mocking me.

Used to believe in mind over matter. Used to believe in thought-control. Beliefs have been challenged quite recently. It's been hard to think positive. It's been hard to just "get over it".

Would like to extend my sincere thanks to some people today. Firstly, to those that sent SMSes and facebook messages. To those that called. To those that jumped on me at uni. Most of you will never read this. But just in case, thanks - it means something.

To family. "Awesome" does not even begin to describe the object received in the mail today. Thanks for that, and for the continual support, always. "Yippy skippy, mate."

To some crazy individuals. Some that clearly "xiang shou ren sheng" too much, lying on people's beds, up to no good =P. Some who have shown me that nutella, under the appropriate conditions, can actually be more than semi-decent. Someone that has taught me that warm and fuzzy pigs are life-giving. Someone that is in fact secretly a killer photographer. Someone that unfortunately was MIA today, but when present is actually quite an exceptional chef, with both disastrous hole-cake-making skills as well as killer-chicken-pasta-sun-dried-tomatoes-cooking capabilities. And certainly to the someone who doesn't like brussel sprouts (understandable) or mashed potatoes (unbelievable). To all, thanks.

Lastly, I someone else. Someone that has provided me with the apples I need to throw at trees in Princess Park when I am hating the world. Someone, who, unfortunately I may have to "sleep with" in three weeks time. Someone Someone that has made the last six weeks less painful. Thanks for always having time, for asking how things are, for doing a lot more than you probably realize. Rock on, homie.

Learnt a new phrase today. "Roll with the punch". It's a good phrase, because life is full of punches. It's helpful to know how to roll with them when they come. There was a punch today. A painful, frustrating, anger-causing punch. But on the positive side, it was just one punch. With the number of punches that have come this way recently, one is nothing. And also, I guess it's important to realize that although you are punched by some time and time again to the point where you wonder why you still haven't given up, there are others that don't punch you. Others that will be there when you've been kicked, hit, slapped, taken by the feet and whacked on the ground, full-on punched.

Roll with the punch.

Trapped.

Heading down a one-way street - approaching a dead end.
Locked in a box - a box where the lock's keys have been destroyed.
Walking down a tunnel - a tunnel where there's no light at its end.

It's not like you knew the road led to a dead end.
It's not like you jumped in the box yourself and threw the keys away.
It's not like you chose to go down this tunnel.

You've tried to U-turn, but there's no space.
You've tried kicking, yelling, screaming for help. But no one hears.
You've tried crawling back to the tunnel entrance. But you've no energy.

You've tried and tried.

But there's No.Way.Out.

The Majority.

Wrote a post earlier this afternoon (or yesterday, rather, as it is now past midnight). Decided not to post it, though - too door-slamming, wall-punching. Instead, going to re-write it in nicer words.

It is interesting why people care. Some are paid to care - doctors, for example. Pyschiatrists. Sexual harassment advisors. Social workers. Some, the connection between caring and being paid is less direct - teachers, for example. Some would argue lawyers defending their client is an example of being paid to be care. Or, perhaps pastors caring for their church members. That's cool, though. In fact, it's a good thing. The world needs doctors, lawyers, and the lot. And these doctors, lawyers, etc. need to be paid.

Of course, not everyone is paid to care. Some care because they see it as part of their role/responsibility in society to do so. For example, parents. I'm not saying that all parents care for their children because they see it as their responsibility. In fact, I'm guessing most parents care because they want to, and it comes naturally to do them. But I would argue that in a lot of other roles, this may not be the case.

Others view the whole caring thing as a project. In fact, making someone their charity case is often a project many enjoy. As if your "caree" doesn't realize that you are just viewing him/her as a massive assignment. As if treating someone as a task on very long to-do list makes them feel special or cared for.

At this point, I feel like the above describes the majority of people, being fully aware that most readers will disagree with me. That's ok, though. I don't mind at all.

Had dinner with some people tonight, people that I don't know very well. These people bought me dinner and surprised me with a cake. Split amongst 20 people, the cost per person is not enormous. In fact, it probably didn't take huge amounts of effort to organize. But it meant a lot. I don't really expect people to go out of their way for other people, especially for people they don't know well.

As a result, this new and updated post has less egg-throwing, brick-smashing comments.

Unfortunately, though, it doesn't change the fact that that group of people I had dinner with tonight represents represents a minority.

You Are Attracted To Me.

That's right. There's no point denying it I'm afraid, because that's the truth. The truth according to what they teach at uni, anyway. Let me explain.

Apparently, all objects in the world are inherently attracted to each other. This is due to the existence of attractive forces between everything. The obvious ones - like between a helium balloon and the ceiling, to the not so obvious ones - like between the possum outside your house and the mailbox. These attractive forces are always there. In fact, you cannot turn them off completely - they can only be minimized.

Minimization of attractive forces - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that in the presence of repulsive forces, the effect of any attractive forces present are reduced. That's why we don't all stick together like magnets. Whether coaggulation or dispersion occurs depends on the total interaction energy, which in essence means whether there are large enough repulsive forces to overcome the ever-present attractive forces.

And there it is. You are attracted to me. I'm sorry to inform you of that fact, but that's just how it is. It's not all a lost cause though. There are many good things you can get out of this lesson.

Next time you are having trouble dealing with uncontrolled thoughts and desires, you can blame it on these forces. These forces that, according to science, always exist. Alternatively, next time you want to run away from certain objects/situations/living creatures, once again, blame it on the forces, blame it on science.

To those with low self-esteem: everyone finds you attractive.

By the way, I'm attracted to you too. That's right, even you, Char. Despite thighs, white walls, and apple pies.

Such profound and useful things you learn at uni.

What I've Been Told.

Apparently some people wake up looking forward to the day. Apparently some people bounce out of bed, ready for what each new day has to bring. Apparently some people like being awake.

I'm curious as to what the average number of things that the average person in Australia looks forward to at a given time. This is a genuine question. I really have no idea.

The following are the things I have found myself looking forward to recently in the few occasions I have woken up in the morning feeling >50%:
1. Sydney trip.
2. ???

The list will get longer though. It appears that my sister might be coming down in September. That would likely go on the list. Also, I am semi-looking forward to this weekend. Not that there's anything extraordinary planned, but weekends are usually better than weekdays these days.

I find it hard to believe that people have very long lists.

I find it hard to believe that people bounce out of bed.

Observation Skills.

Time passed by quite slowly in the pool today, so to keep myself entertained, I decided to play a game. I had been noticing recently how terrible I am at remembering faces. Today, someone whom I could swear I've never seen before came up to me and asked me how I was going. At first I thought she mistook me for someone else but soon realized that couldn't have when started asking about the specifics of my course.

To test just how poor my my observation skills are, I decided to think of people I see frequently and try to think of as many pieces of their clothing that I could. I can't believe how difficult of a task it was. There I was, doing my laps, physically fine but mentally exhausted - blowing my brains out trying to imagine these clothes. After 30 laps, here is the list I came up with:

- "Sticky fingers" pink shirt
- Pi nerd shirt
- Kathmandu blue jacket
- Short denim skirt
- Black Nautica T-shirt
- Multiple white long-sleeved shirts
- White, long, fluffy jacket
- IH Jumper x n people

Hm. People I've known for three years and see on a weekly basis. I really think I should be able to name more than one piece of their clothing. Also, in fact, most of the above list I either a) borrowed before (e.g. black nautica shirt), or b) mention has been made to them (e.g. stick fingers and fluffy white jacket). Hmmmm.

On a completely different note though, someone coined an interesting new term today. Gas. No, nothing to do with chemicals your body releases. Completely different use of the term. I like it. Don't gas, don't gas, I don't gas.

享受人生 (xiang shou ren sheng) can also easily sound like something completely different. Especially when you're half asleep, three people are piled on top of each other on someone's bed, and lots of mention have been given to thighs and other body parts in conversation preceding.

But back to observation skills. Rightio, will improve that.

Tomorrow, I'll be able to tell you what colour Char's hair is.

New Plan.

One point I neglected to mention last night. A point I perhaps feel most strongly about.

I am too tired to apologize.
RIDICULOUSLY sick of apologizing.
Completely and utterly, 100%, built a bridge - OVER IT.

New plan: STOP MAKING MISTAKES. STOP BEING STUPID.
Consequence: Nothing to apologize about. All's good. All's fantastic.

The new plan? Flawless.

Sighhhh.

Unconnected Thoughts.

Lots of unconnected thoughts this evening. Not even going to attempt to link them up.

Someone told me yesterday that they like sleeping because it means they're not awake. I wish I didn't understand.

Too tired to feel/act a number of ways at the moment.
E.g. Too tired to be angry. Takes too much energy.
E.g. Too tired to lie. Lying requires brain to think up some lie, which in turn requires brainpower.
E.g. Too tired to deal with awkward situations. Much easier to pretend all's good, all's fine.
E.g. Too tired to respond in too many situations.

I find the amount of emailing I do quite startling. Send so many emails, receive so many. I can walk away from my computer for an hour and there's 10 new emails - a couple facebook messages/notifications, but the rest are actually emails. Not a bad thing though. Email is good. Less lazy than the whole facebook walling phenomenon, anyway. But random ramblings on walls is just too easy and too tempting not to do.

Had two conversations tonight which I felt I fully engaged in. One was regarding a topic that is highly relevant to me at the moment, so was easy to keep up with. Another was over the phone, but was not difficult to engage in either as there were some rather amusing stories of random strangers showing up at your doorstep. Actually engaging in conversation is good.

Rice is definitely easier to cook than pasta. Less hassle - assuming you have a rice cooker. No need to stir, no need to watch that it doesn't overcook, no need to make sure water doesn't overflow.

Sundried tomatoes and olives are some of the best inventions in the world.

That's Just How It Is.

When you wake up in the morning and the birds are fighting.
When you hear laughter and you want to throw up.
When you see someone smiling and want to throw bricks at them.
When all you want to do is sleep so time will move by faster.
Then surely it hasn't been a great weekend.

Broken World.

Someone once told me that a true judge of someone's character would be their hidden thoughts. That's right - those deep, dark secrets that you would rather die than let other people know about.

Now imagine a world in which everyone could hear everyone's thoughts. All thoughts - thoughts ranging from how nice the weather is today, to what you should cook for dinner tonight, to how much someone can't stand your colleague's fake smile, to how much you would love to throw a brick at a certain someone's face, and watch them slowly bleed to death in the middle of the road. Imagine, all these thoughts - revealed to the world. Life would be chaos.

Life would be chaos partly because there would be no peace. Quite frankly, I don't care what every single Melburnian I pass on the street plans to cook for dinner. I am more interested in what I think of the weather than what Joe Blog does. Of course, life would also be chaos because everyone else would know about everyone else's plan to rob a bank and cheat on their wife.

Now imagine this. Imagine a world in which everyone is conditioned to act on their thoughts. That's right - every, single one. Forget responsibilities, forget morals, forget doing the right thing - whatever you think of doing, whatever you feel like doing, you do it.

Someone once told me that if they could do one thing that no one else would find out about, they would go to the bank and redistribute all the money to the poor. Yes, kind people still exist in the world (although they might not be particularly realistic in terms of how this sort of action would disrupt society on all fronts).

However, on the whole, I believe there would be a lot more betrayal in the world. A lot more lies. A lot more physical violence. A lot more killing. A lot more broken people.

I guess it is a good thing that people keep most thoughts to themselves. I guess it is a good thing that people are, in general, conditioned to exercise some form of self-control.

But that doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. That doesn't mean the desire to act isn't there. That doesn't mean that sometimes, just sometimes, you lose self-control.

After all, we live in a broken world.

Rejection.

I guess some people just like rejecting people. Want to go for dinner? Sorry, I have a meeting on that night. Want to go see this movie? Sorry, I'm not into horror films. Want to go for coffee? Um... I don't drink coffee?

Perhaps it makes them feel superior. Makes them feel special, makes them feel in control, this rejecting people thing.

That's a game people like to play with me. But that's not my game.

Because there's a limit to how much rejection one person can take. One day, people will stop asking. One day, people will give up. One day, people will stop caring.

Then again, I've met some people who have unbelievably high rejection thresholds. You would think after being rejected more than say, three times on the same thing, they might stop asking. Or, if they're really into it, perhaps five times. Not too many more times than that, right?

As I said before, rejection, both rejecting or being rejected, is not a game I like to play.

But life is a game. It has to be played.

Besides. One day the answer might be "Yes".

There's this fish.

Two conditions are presently available to the fish - in water, or out of water.

When it is in water, the fish knows what to do. It can move its fins in water and thereby move from place to place. It knows how to catch prey in water. It's heart pumps blood at a constant and consistent rate. It can excrete, it can reproduce, it can feel, it can do whatever it so desires. In water, the fish is happy.

There's another condition available to the fish though - that is, being out of water. When it is initially removed from its aqueous surroundings, it attempts to continue moving its fins, hoping that the mechanisms for locomotion out of water is the same as in water. However, soon after, not only does it discover that its movement is significantly restricted as a result of being out of water, it also comes to the realization that it is unable to perform all other functions that it needs to continue to do the little thing other fish call living.

Unfortunately, the fish cannot control which of the conditions it is in. It wakes up each morning, and finds out which condition has been assigned to it for the day. The fish cannot fly - there is no way it can get itself into water if it has been placed outside for the day.

Unfortunately, a fish staying out of water for too long can be rather detrimental to it's health and well-being.

There are two conditions. There's no in between.

The fish wishes there is at least an in between.

Sometimes I Smile.

Someone told me today that sometimes I smile.

It's been a good weekend. Likely to be the best weekend I've had in a few months.

Dinner on Friday was fantastic, as mentioned in the previous post.

Had a rather adventurous excursion to Williamstown yesterday. Activities ranged from freaking out as cycling companion had a minor accident in the first 30 seconds of our ride, circling around Crown and Docklands rather confusedly attempting to bypass all the construction works, devouring delicious crepes in a cafe, enjoying the peace along Williamstown beach, and snapping away at people pulling rather interesting faces. It was fantastic.

Had a chem eng gathering last night. Never knew I had chefs as coursemates. Housemate asked me how the dinner was. I replied, "Good. Very good, actually." I guess I must have sounded surprised, because she then asked, "What, did you expect it to be crap or something?" No, I didn't. But I rarely expect things to be great these days.

Relaxing Sunday. Completed all assignments due in the next two days in the morning, and had a very pleasant afternoon. Just now, during dinner, neighbours that I've never seen before came over and brought us muffins. Apparently we allowed them to walk through our house to the car park a few days ago, and they were just thanking us for the favour. I wasn't aware of this favour, must've not been in. For the rest of dinner, we pondered over the relative likelihoods of rat-poisoned muffins versus people actually being genuine. Ate the muffins half an hour ago, I'm still alive and kicking, so nice people must still exist in the world.

For the past two nights, I've been in such a good mood that I haven't been able to fall asleep. Brain too active.

Yes, sometimes I smile.

Bounce is still here.

Met up with Felix this morning. Felix is good. Felix is quite wise. Can do the logic thing quite well. I was rather impressed.

In the afternoon, I managed to get a lot of questions answered in prac tute. That means I have something to write now =).

After class, I went swimming. This time, I had the lane to myself for almost the entire duration of the swim. In the times where I shared lanes with other people, there were only a few minor bumping incidents, no swimmers swimming crazily fast in the slow lane or crazily slow in the fast lane, and no freaky-smiling-guy dramas.

Just came back from a really, really good dinner. I was surprised how good it was. Not that I expected it to be crap or anything. It's just that I don't recall any recent times in which I've come back from dinner thinking how fantastic it was.

Bounce hasn't left me yet. Bounce is still here.

Timetable Reading Issues.

I don't know how to read timetables. That must be it.

I keep having to change times on people. Usually, it is because I have already agreed to meeting someone else then, but somehow forgot about it, or it turns out I have not read my timetable properly and I actually have class then. I know, reading a timetable is not rocket science - just look down the day column, look across the time row, and see if there are words there. I guess brain just isn't functioning at its best at the moment.

Last week, I had to change times three times on someone due to my inability to read timetables. Tomorrow, I'm meeting Felix. I've already changed the time twice, and I just realized that I have class at the arranged time tomorrow. Sigh. I would feel really bad changing it again. Oh well, will just have to hope it is an easy lecture that I'm missing tomorrow.

I guess that's why just showing up spontaneously is often easier.

Can't do that with everyone, unfortunately.

Bounce.

There's this other chemical. Like the previous one, it's not an actual chemical. I have no idea what it is, actually. It just feels like a chemical that floods my body. Although, this one feels good. This one is like... endorphins, but better.

This chemical, it makes me want to bounce. I'm walking along the street, but in fact, I'm not walking. I'm bouncing. I'm looking at the skies and I'm thinking what a fantastic day it is. I'm talking to people and realizing I'm actually engaging in the conversation.

Bouncing merrily along today. Got a significant amount of work done. Understood everything in class. Went to work, that was ok. Saw a microscopic image of a smiley face drawn with DNA, got rather excited about that. Crazy friends came over for dinner, that's always good =D

This other chemical - I like it. I'm going to call it Bounce.

Swimming Etiquette.

I don't like being bumped into when I'm swimming. Partly because it is not the most pleasant feeling, but perhaps more because it throws me off balance. To re-balance myself before I can swim takes quite a lot more energy than just swimming along un-bumped.

Went swimming today. Just for about 45 minutes or so, but in that time, I changed lanes five times. I was under the assumption that when a swimmer swims in lap lanes, he/she should stick to one side (namely, left). It is not the best of manners to swim right in the centre, taking up all the room, and even more importantly, swimming head-on at someone is perhaps not the best of ideas. It is polite to swim at a speed less than 100km/hr in the slow lap lane, and more than 1km/hr in the fast lap lane. Also, getting in the pool and choosing not to swim, but rather just grinning at the other swimmers (of whom you probably don't know any of them, by the way) is impolite, if not a little bit freaky.

Spent quite a lot of energy in trying to maintain my distance from other people in the lane today. I guess not everyone goes by the no bumping rule. Spent the rest of the time observing the swimming etiquette (or rather, lack thereof) of the other swimmers present.

Not entirely a bad thing though. Underwater entertainment.

Might go swimming again tomorrow.

Monday morning, Week 3.

Not wanting to do anything but sleep. Quite an interesting and new phenomenon.

Came home yesterday, could not concentrate. Thought I would take a nap. That was around 8pm. Next thing I knew, the clock showed 3am. Fell right back to sleep, and it was a huge struggle to get up just now. 7am.

Had to get up though. Still have not finished my essay due 3pm today. Was told yesterday by my wise friend, "Do it and it'll be done". Such words of wisdom. Haven't done it, still not done. Will do it now though. Won't be in top shape, but it will be done.

Need to stop sleeping. Time passes faster when you sleep. But often times you wake up and feel worse.

Ethics essay calling.

Faithless.

People exercise faith all the time.

Faith in the tram driver as you hop on the tram - that he will drive the allocated routes, stop at the designated places, and not choose to, in the spur of a moment, drive into the vehicle ahead. Faith in the chef at the restaurant you happen to be eating at - that he hasn't had a bad day and just decided to throw in some rat poison amongst the fettucine. Faith in the rollercoaster operator before you jump in - that he will control the ride dutifully, not stopping it in mid-air, leaving you clinging onto your life 100m above ground.

You can't live without faith. Too many decisions we make require some form of it.

Unfortunately it is too easy to lose faith. When you are let down. When people disappoint you. When promises are broken. Of course, it isn't a one-off thing. Everyone makes mistakes. But when it happens time and time again, you really start to think you would be an idiot to continue hoping.

At times like that, you don't care if the tram driver drives the correct routes, goes to the designated places, or decides to run into another vehicle. You don't care if the chef had a bad day or the rollercoaster operator loses his mind.

I guess that's what faithless living is like.

It's Temporary.

Just walked back from IH. Usually takes about 10 minutes. Felt so, so long just now. The ticking sound of the little green man on the traffic light was like that of a stampede of hyenas. A cyclist rode by and I thought I saw him fly. Almost crashed into the metal fences outside my place where they are doing the construction.

Almost think it is worth it though. For the momentary satisfaction. For the few seconds when all thoughts have fled. For the few seconds when the mind clears.

Temporary, short-lived, but there all the same.

I wish.

I wish the motivation wasn't responsibility. I wish the motivation wasn't because it's the right thing to do, the unselfish thing to do.

I wish the motivation was because I wanted to.

Beginning to recognize the symptons though. Not wanting to pick up the phone. Not wanting to go out, wanting to cancel on everyone. Closing my door and wanting the world to go away.

Must be responsible. Must do the right thing. Must not be selfish.

Must keep going.

Two Words.

Was talking to a friend just now, a friend on the other side of the world. She was saying that people just don't appreciate the simple things in life anymore. Instead, most people are greedy and lustful.

Not going to argue with that. I believe everyone struggles with greed and lust, at least to a certain degree. However, if I had to summarise the world in two words, I probably wouldn't have chosen those two.

I would've chosen "selfish" and "unsatisfied".

No worries though, we live in a fallen world.

Simple Maths.

I have managed to temporarily put aside some thoughts. I say temporarily, because I'm not that optimistic. In its place, though, is physical unease - feeling seasick, fluctuating back and forth between feeling extremely hot and extremely cold, as well as constantly feeling sleepy. Not tired, but sleepy. Doesn't help that I am beginning to develop a cold also.

I think I prefer it this way though. Can't complain about the more sleep. Feeling hot and cold, well, putting on and taking off clothes all the time can be a bit troublesome, but the mechanism to ease the discomfort is there. There's always hot/cold showers as well. As for feeling seasick, that's minor.

Preoccupied with keeping the body happy physically = Less time to worry about other things.

Simple maths - that's all there is to it.