A True Gift.

There are some people that always seem to know what to say, and when to say it.

Had to have a somewhat difficult conversation today. But fortunately, the person I was talking to was one of these people that always have the right words. One of those people that don't overreact so as to overwhelm you, or underreact (if there's such word) so as to make you feel that they may not have even heard what you said. As a result of this person's wisdom with words, issues were sorted out, rsponsibilities were clarified, and decisions were made. The difficult conversation turned out to be not that difficult after all.

This person was also able to ask the right questions. Some people readily volunteer information. Those people, you ask them "Tell me a bit about yourself", they will give you their life story. I don't tend to do that. I generally restrain from saying things unless asked. And only if really asked. This may not be a good thing. Especially since really asking is rare.

Sometimes you don't need words. Sometimes you don't need questions. Sometimes, even the sweetest sounds can give you a massive headache - your favourite music playing softly in the background, joyful people chatting amiably, even the gentle sound of the leaves rustling outside your window. Sometimes you just need silence. Some people are good at silence.

Being able to say the right things, being able to ask the right questions, being able to keep silent when silence is needed - a rare gift.

A true gift.

Monday morning, Week 2.

Week 1 went by really slow. Really, really slow. Hope this does need keep up.

Not liking all the homework and tests. It is as if we're an American university. A test last week, a prac due today, another prac due tomorrow, and another test tomorrow.

Goal for the week: Make an effort. No matter how small.

Sometimes You Get Lucky.

Did another rather unwise thing today. No news there, I suppose. In fact, engaging in foolish activities has become a bit of a recurring theme in my life as of late.

Nothing major happened. But the consequences could've been very, very severe.

Sometimes, when you get lucky like that, you don't learn. And you keep making the same mistake. Again and again. Until one day, something terrible does happen.

Then you are punished. Then you might learn.

=(

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm going to punch someone.

Stop thinking.....!!!!!!

FOCUS ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT. ON WHAT MATTERS.

But, what actually matters?

Stop being an idiot. Just... STOP. Everyone else seems to be able to do it. It can't be that difficult.

I need someone to yell at. I need someone to punch. Or to throw eggs at. Eggs not good enough. Pies, perhaps.

Brain needs peace.

Want to take up knitting again. But that'd be stupid.

Just. Don't. Think.

=(

Random Thoughts.

Third day of semester. Have had a test/assignment already due yesterday, worth 10%. On the bright side, though, I am currently still understanding everything in lectures. End of next week, I assure you, I will be lost.

Received an email from someone today. "Home", by Michael Buble, reminds me of this person. 731 concept.

Who do I think I am? I think I know better than science. That's nonsense. Trust in science. Trust the experts of science. They know what they are talking about. Trust, believe. Or else things will never change.

Felix doesn't trust me. Felix went to talk to someone about me today. That's ok though, that's what Felix does. I don't blame Felix. In fact, I really appreciate Felix's initiative.

I have a question for you. That's right, I'm talking to you - the reader. Can you to do me a favour - tell me, what do you look forward to? Both short-term and long-term. Do you wake up every morning, ready to start the day, having things you want to do? Is there something you look forward to, perhaps goals to achieve, dreams to fulfill? What keeps you going?

I'd really appreciate if you would let me know, somehow. Email, face-to-face, MSN, facebook... however. In whatever time frame you like. If you choose not to answer, because it is personal, or you just can't be bothered, that's ok, I'll live. Especially if I don't know that you read this. Nevertheless, answers would be great. Thanks in advance.

Goal: Always pick up phone. Do not screen calls. It is not healthy.

Apologies for the lack of flow in this post.

Felix.

I don't know what my issue is.

Starting to talk to someone lately. Let's call this someone Felix.

A little about Felix. There's actually nothing much to say. I don't know much about Felix. Felix doesn't know much about me. It's mutual.

Felix and I have nothing in common. Different backgrounds, different interests, different views of life. Completely different taste in movies. We both like sunshine, though.

Felix is not the best listener in the world. But Felix listens. That's already better than most people.

Felix doesn't know what my issue is either. But I can talk to Felix. That is a start.

I guess the best thing about our relationship is that I can ask Felix questions that I can't ask most people. There are some questions I really want to ask. Some things I really want to know, or rather, need to know. But there are some questions you are not allowed to ask. Or, at least I don't feel like I can. Because some things you just accept. You accept it, and keep going.

I want to thank the people that have allowed me to ask my questions. Rather, I would like to thank the person that has allowed me to ask these questions.

Maybe Felix can give me answers. Unfortunately, despite my respect for Felix, I doubt this is possible.

In fact, half the time, I don't want to know the answer.

Now and Later.

There are some things that are very difficult to do now. But they must be done. For the benefit of later.

Take someone else's. Invent your own. Make something up. Just keep going.

Belief will follow.

It has to.

Why I can smile on the Monday morning of a new semester.

Maybe it is because classes haven't officially started yet. Haven't been bombarded by rather unstimulating lectures, stacks of problem sheets, or prac deadlines yet.

Maybe it is because I haven't been faced with the situation of having to be at five places at once and doing ten million things all at one time yet.

Maybe it is because I have managed to avoid all the potentially unpleasant situations so far.

On the other hand, it could be because because the sun is shining.

Or, because I managed to get 7 hours sleep last night.

Or rather because of another hilarious email I received this morning from my nutty sister. This time in regards to a hairdressing incident. Once again, cracked me up.

I was talking to someone last night about encouragement. They said, that according to some famous person, one could live off a compliment for six months. A little encouragement goes a long way.

The sun is shining.

It Started With An Amusing Night Of Steamboat.

The events that followed:

- Disastrous cake baking attempt with someone that stayed over - top of cake fully burnt, middle of cake semi-raw, and bits everywhere just falling through the rack when turned over.
- Playing "The Simpsons game" (might I add, the most ridiculous and random boardgame ever) while simulataneously watching the show on TV with my 8 year old cousin and his cousins.
- Spending an hour on the bus frantically rewriting the lyrics to Mika's "Grace Kelly" - a song that I had only heard probably twice in my entire life.
- Summit, 2007. Enough said.
- Hilarious email sent to me by my sister about a rather foolish incident she got herself in at a family event.

A spiral that defies gravity.

Difficult, but not impossible.

Familiarity.

The overcast Melbourne skies...
The jammed-pack East Coburg tram, even on a Sunday morning...
The chilliness of my house...

Back in Melbourne. Being hit by a number of familiar things.

There's something comforting about familiarity.

The Chemical.

Like a chemical that slowly creeps through my body. An actual, physical feeling. Something that literally makes my shoulders feel heavy, that makes my head hurt, that makes my body want to crumble.

Levels of this chemical fluctuates. It is like the tide. Sometimes the tide is high. Sometimes it is low. But the constant is that it is always there.

I'm learning, though. In the past few months, I have experienced this chemical often enough so now I can feel it coming. And I have learnt ways to push it away before it overtakes me.

I fear this chemical. Because if it comes too fast, or if I don't catch it soon enough, it consumes me.

But I have been learning.

This chemical will go away.

Eventually.

Marks.

Uni marks. That's what they are. Uni marks.

I have been saying for the last four, five weeks or so that as long as I pass all subjects, I will be happy. I know a lot of people said something along those lines as well. But I meant it.

No major rewards for doing well. No major consequences of doing poorly (provided you don't fail). Currently have a high enough average for graduating with honours already. Not going for IH scholarships. Have a decent enough resume in which fantastic marks is not vital.

Cannot expect fantastic marks if you spend half your SWOTVAC staring out the Ballileu window, observing the trees. Or if you sleep a mere two or three hours before an exam, drink a few coffees and spend much of your time going to the toilet during the exam.

There are miracles.

On the other hand, a big shout-out to my sister for beyond brilliant Year 12 results. Now that actually is significant. Certainly quite a drama yesterday with the whole wrong password and all. All the best in choosing your course for next year.

For uni students, two more weeks of freedom.

Concerning Behaviour.

Coffee consumption: moderate amounts is fine. But what if you have to go to the toilet four times during a three hour exam because you couldn't sleep the night before and therefore was more than a little bit worried you would fall asleep over the test paper? What if, at random times in the day, you just cannot stop shaking due to the excessive amounts of caffeine in your body?

Bad judgment calls: everyone makes bad choices, everyone makes mistakes. But what if you you don't trust yourself to make any of your own decisions anymore? What if, every time a judgment call needs to be made, you would prefer someone else to make it for you, because you are sick of making bad decisions?

Lack of concentration: everyone says they can't concentrate, to some extent. Often in regards to study, or listening in lectures. But what if the lack of concentration extends to all areas of life? What if, you find yourself crossing the road, suddenly realizing that you didn't even look at the lights or check for cars? Or, if it is only 30 minutes into your haircut you realize someone is cutting your hair?

There are times to react.

There are times to be concerned.