October 30, 2011

Today was a sad day. Not just for me, but for many others. I cannot even begin to imagine how painful it must be for them.

I knew it would be difficult, but hearing the words tonight, I realize just how much he meant to me.

As I stood there reflecting, images came into my head, memories that I hadn't thought of in awhile. I recall a time, about 3-4 years ago, after a fairly horrific night I had, in which I was given his number to call in the event of another emergency. I was offered many numbers, and I wouldn't take them, but his I took, even though I didn't know him that well, he appeared trustworthy and safe. I don't know why.

I recall another time, also 3-4 years ago, in which he came up to me and asked me how I was going. We both knew that he knew what had happened. I told him I was scared, and had trouble walking around by myself. He acknowledged that it was a difficult position to be in. He appeared to understand.

There were happier memories. One time I heard him tell a children's story. A story about Santa Claus. I hadn't really seen him around children before. He was good with them.

I am immensely thankful that he has been able to be a part of my life. I am immensely, immensely thankful for the help he provided through difficult times. Sad, but immensely thankful.

I hope we do not lose perspective during this time. Let's not get side tracked on what we don't know, or infer things from what's not really there. Let's make sure we cling to what is true.

I trust that God's at work, fulfilling his good purposes.

October 25, 2011

I don't like all the highs and lows and extreme feelings. I would prefer stability. Life's not like that all the time, though, so just have to learn to manage the swings.

I've known it's hard to forgive. I've learned that I'm finding it almost impossible to forgive someone that doesn't think they've committed any wrongs, that hasn't indicated at all any recognition of the pain they've caused. I just can't do it no matter how I try.

I never knew you could look up to someone so much that it hurts. How does that work?

It's hard when you can't keep track of what's going on, it feels out of control.

I was told to take a deep breath and calm down. It works, a bit. At least momentarily.

On a high.

Bounce flowing every where at the moment. It's a bit crazy.

Waiting for the crash, but at the moment, bouncing all over the place. Will be difficult to sleep tonight, although really hoping for some good rest.

I guess I like to push the boundaries. Maybe it's not completely appropriate, maybe it's not how most people would do things, but we're getting along, life's easier this way for both of us, I like it when people are smiling like you are, why not then?

I know why not. I know very, very well why not.

The plan, therefore, is that we'll push the boundaries and see how flexible they are, but not fall off the cliff.

Excellent plan.

It's as easy as 1, 2, 3.

I don't understand why it's so hard for some people to respond to their phones.

It is extremely frustrating.

Call me, and I'll tell you why.

The green stuff.

I paid $16.5 for a vegetarian burger today.

I don't know what came over me.

My friend was quite shocked when I put out that order. Apparently I have a reputation for being a bit of a carnivore.

It was actually surprisingly good.

That's all it is - words.

I received two apologies today. One cane up to me and said something along the lines of, "I hope I didn't upset you, you know everyone gets upset sometimes". The other came up to me and directly offered his genuine apology and gave me a box of chocolates to make up for it.

I told a friend about this. She says, "Typical guys - they think can just buy you a gift and pretend like nothing ever happened." She told me about how she was fearful of seeing someone after a similar situation I had, and that really, even they semi-acknowledged that he was completely out of line with her, there was still a tension and she was in fact dreading every time they might.

Nevertheless, the two gestures, especially the latter (as it really is the thought that counts), really did do it for me. Yes, they made me feel awful. In case you were wondering - it was things they said. For the last many hours, I had kept replaying everything in my head. I really don't like confrontation. However, after the apologies, I was a lot more at peace. I could go home and eat my spaghetti bolognaise again. Makes me feel we can continue to go on. Not that we would forget it happened, but it's really close to almost.

It was really tough 24 hours ago. Ended up messing a lot of things up, things that can't be changed. But that's life and you've got to accept it and move on.

One thing I did learn from all this is how to deliver a gracious apology though. That's how I would describe the second apology - gracious. When I mess up in the future, I would hope that my apologies would be like that how his was as well.

An apology really does help. It really does make things better.

Stay calm everyone. And stay safe. Especially when driving. Roads are quite slippery these days.

Full health.

Some of you will know that I have had a back injury recently. As a result, I was not able to bend over at all from the waist.

It's quite amazing how much that can affect you. Usually, when things dropped on the floor, I wouldn't even think but would pick it straight up. Not being able to bend from the waist meant that every time I had to pick something up from the floor, I had to bend my knees and keep my back/waist very straight to ensure it was not too excruciatingly painful. Because of that I would try to optimize picking things up to minimize the number of times needing to bend over. Driving was painful but bearable - when pressing the clutch it was just a split second of pain. But simple acts like standing up, sitting down, putting on clothes was hard. Lying in bed was the best because it wouldn't hurt.

The other hard thing is that it is not immediately noticeable to other people that I had an injury. Not that I wanted attention or anything, but because of the tape and support etc was underneath my clothing, it could not be seen normally, meaning that people would bump into me and not realize the impact it would have, nor would they realize why I was walking so slow.

Almost back to full health though. Was very excited today, could take off the back support. Yay.

Good health is something I take for granted.

I'm thankful that it is almost better and that I'm healthy most of the time.

Wishing you good health as well, and stay safe.