Confusion.

One minute, dead set, so sure, couldn't be proven wrong.
... and then you remember.
... and then you aren't sure anymore.
In fact you couldn't be more uncertain.

Confusion.

Monday Blues.

I have the day off today. Apparently I should be celebrating.

$$$$ out of my life. Stop popping up everywhere on my computer, stop triggering memories, and for GOODNESS SAKES get OUT OF MY DREAMS. I don't watch horror movies for a reason. I don't need you in my nightmares. I don't need you at all.

Recipient of bad news first thing Monday morning. Great. Extremely worrying but completely understandable. In fact it probably should've been done earlier. But make the right moves, life will move on with you. Invisible high five mate, you can do it, right here for you.

Writing is good. Monday blues, it's freezing this morning, winter is coming, but at least the sun shines right now. Awaking from the nightmares, I was made a brilliant cup of coffee. That counts for something. It counts for a lot. I have good friends.

Reiterating, $$$ out of my life... I have left you alone, why can't you leave me alone? Unbelievable.

If it's not too hard...

There's enough hard things in the world. Calculus. Radiography. Investment. Relationships. Forgiveness. The list goes on.

Hence, if it's not too hard, I'll just do it. If it's not too out of the way, doesn't require that much extra effort. A simple word of thanks Sending a card to someone on their birthday. Making a slight detour to drive someone home late at night. Staying up one extra hour to be with someone while they cry. Making that one extra phone call before bed to make sure someone is ok.

Some things don't take that much effort. But what it can do ... that's boundless.

I've felt this way. I've felt surprised some of the thanks and appreciation I have been given to some of the things I consider trivial. Perhaps we won't save all the people dying from AIDS even in our life time. But perhaps we can just make one person crack a smile each day.

Make someone smile. Make someone smile today.

It's not that hard.

The two-player game.

A two-player game that only one player knows has begun. In fact, not only has the other player not known that the game has begun, he always does not know the rules, how to win, or even that the game exists altogether.

It is a time-based game and this player is running out of time. He's about to lose, badly.

Unfortunately, he doesn't know that time is running out.
Unfortunately, he doesn't know the consequence of the loss.

Make a move, quick.
The slightest movement, the slighest effort.
Any slightest will be better than anything.

Don't lose the game.
There is an invisible cheer squad cheering you on.
You just can't see them.
You just can't hear them.
But it doesn't mean that they aren't there.
It doesn't mean that you can't still win.

3...
2...
1...

Do something before t=0.
Do something before it all ends.

April 19, '09

- Nothing like a good walk breathing in the cool night air to clear the mind.
- Nicodemus was a lucky man to have the famous verse said straight to him.
- It was a nice surprise last night =).

"It might be you" - Stephen Bishop, loving the song...

I stand.

Down the drain you throw your life
into the roaring sea you thrust your body
blood
raining

d
o
w
n

the mountains spitting fIREEE.
and I stand here
wanting to help you
but you won't
hold my hand.

April 15, '09

I have an arthritis phenomenon developing. Actually I don't know much about arthritis. I could be using the wrong term altogether. Essentially, what's been happening is that I have been awaken at night by a pain running through my left hand. I notice my hand is slightly crunched and instinctively try to uncrunch it, after which the pain shoots a bit further. This has been happening quite a bit in the last little while. Hmm. Should get it checked.

The wind was howling this morning. The house was almost shaking. I was actually shaking. It then occured to me, it's that time of the year again where my house goes down to a temperature suitable for polar bears to inhabit. I will be looking to spend the majority of my time hibernating in other places in the next few months. I spent most of this time last year in a semi baking hot oven apartment. Ensured my blood continued to flow through the winter. Somewhat random thing - to my Canadian friends out there, I would liek to applaud you for surviving -30C temperatures for prolonged periods of time. I physically cannot imagine it.

Somedays I believe in miracles. Today is one of those days.

Easter Sunday, '09

Starting off the beginning of the year... I thought, 2009 was not going to be too bad.

Reflecting over the last four months, I'm relieved to say that my gut feeling has so far been correct. Lots of good things have happened lately. Met a lot of interesting people. Tried a lot of interesting new things. Started helping people again (just in very small ways), which I feel I haven't done in a very long time.

In the last four months, I noticed the leaves changing colour. I noticed when the sunset, and was generally asleep when the sun rose. More than 1 in 10 conversations I have probably actually engaged in. All these things make me thinks, '09 isn't going too badly at all.

Of course, not everything is rocking. Today I caught a whiff of this smell that made me very sad. I saw a photo that made me very angry. I thought thoughts that would be classified R for violence and offensive language.

But in general, '09 has been good.

Being Easter Sunday, I would like to pray this prayer -
Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Thanks for Jesus, thank you for his obedience to die on the cross, thanks that because of him and what he did around 2000 years ago, life has meaning. Help me forgive, help me to not hate, help me to love, both you and others. Thanks for being there, thanks for not leaving, and thanks for never giving up on people.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

April 1, '09

- I was almost fooled today about red water in my lagoon. Fortunately, I was semi-alert. No sign of Fossil Fools that I'm aware of, so that's good.
- Had a few breakthroughs at work today, was quite pleased.
- Sometimes you just have to put things aside for the greater good, or put some things aside for someone else. I'm not going to smile and give well wishes that I don't mean, but being civil and polite is something I can just about muster.
- Had a good dinner today... and really good dessert. Decided the Southbank Greco's counts for nothing compared to the one in Toorak.

... luck has decided to land in my arena for awhile. Don't go away, I'm rather fond of you... =)