Until next time, Summer.

It was a cool summer's day that ended Melbourne's hot season this time around, giving Melburnians just a taste of what is to come in the coming months. As the Bureau predicted, the skies drizzled just that little bit, enough just so the sweet smell of rain could penetrate through.

I personally love autumn; it is my favourite season. I missed most of it last year; this year, I hope it will be different. It can sometimes be difficult to see as the lenses of brokeness give way. However, this year, this season, I will endeavour to treasure the beautiful autumn afternoon light and witness the glorious colour transformations.

Thanks for the assurance of something certain.

Or

Maybe it's the wind
Maybe it'll be better after the showers have passed
Maybe it's the fact that I was sick
Maybe it's because the virus has just gone home

Here in this world but apart from the body
Floating, disconnected, observing
Not there

Someone give me a push, someone shout
Reconnect my mind to my brain, reconnect my soul to my heart

Until then, not a word out of my mouth
For fear I explode
In words of
Anger
____

@$!!##!!#

Feb 21, 2010

Maybe it's the heat
Maybe it'll be better from this afternoon when the cool change comes.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm still sick
Maybe it'll be better when the virus goes home

Here in this world but apart from the body
Floating, disconnected, observing
Not there

Someone give me a push, someone shout
Reconnect my mind to my brain, reconnect my soul to my heart

Until then, not a word out of my mouth
For fear I explode
In words of
Anger

Feb 16, 2010

My family puts a lot of emphasis on celebrations/traditions/etc. e.g. Birthdays - we always, always call as a minimum. My grandparents would worry if they did not get a card from my dad on their birthday. It's like, if someone's that rarely late was one day late, you might get worried. It can be a bit extreme, but it's also nice.

It was Chinese New Year last Sunday.

The wine was green.

It tasted like red wine, but it was the colour of dying algae. Mine was served in a champagne glass, the girl next to me had hers served in a standard red wine glass.

I remember the wine vividly because it was what I stared at, played with, and eventually downed, when I'd found out where'd you gone. The girl next to me comforted me as I started running images of you leaving the table, goign to humiliate yourself. She poured me another glass of wine.

Another girl, one who was being celebrated that evening, and had been up on stage, she came and asked if everything was ok. I guess it appeared that things weren't.

I can't remember how the wine tasted.

Feb 12, 2010

The pressure builds, or so it seems
Expectations so high, at least at the time
It hurts so much but I don't know why

I've been blaming it on others
The earthquake far east, the cat that died
It hurts so much but I don't know why

I've been told it's not meant to be like this
I force myself from the hiding place of mine
It hurts so much but I don't know why

Stop the words
Keep away
It hurts too much that I cannot stay


___

It's been hard...

Over the last few days, I've been a bit sick.

Symptoms include being slightly feverish, sore throat, muscle pains, etc. Must be some sort of cold/flu thing.

I thought I was getting better but now it seems to be getting worse again. I realized it first this evening at dinner. I was at a Japanese restaurant and I realized the noodles were tasteless. It was beyond the normal "blandness" of food, it just completely tasted like nothing. Thinking it was a really strange occurence, I asked my dinner companion to taste the noodles. After a bit of a taste test we conducted on noodles, rice and the green tea, the conclusion was my taste buds have gone a bit wonky. I'm guessing it links in with the sickness.

You might not think not being able to taste is not the end of the world, and it really isn't, but I was just really fascinated how I could completely not taste the food that was entering into my mouth. I could smell it, and remember what it should taste like, but it was just... beyond bland.

It's not pleasant when it hurts too much to swallow, hurts too much to cough. Feel hungry but don't actually want to eat because it hurts.

I can't believe how bad I feel. I can't remember feeling this sick in awhile. I guess I take good health for granted.

I hope it goes away soon. Just like I hope a lot of other inconveniences will just go away.

Feb 3, 2010

Someone asked me how I was today.
As in really asked.

I was caught by surprise.
I hadn't been asked that in awhile.
I guess I missed it.
I guess I need it.

Makes unbearable things hard.
Makes hard things just that bit easier.

It is sometimes difficult when the conversation is one-sided.
Especially difficult when I need help too.

I'll keep trying.

Jan 30, 2010

Frustrated.

Australian Open 2010.

I find watching tennis really quite fun. Unfortunately I had to miss a lot of it this year. Nevertheless, I hope to watch as much of the remaining as possible as it does get the adrenaline going a bit.

I'm yet to have another favourite male single's player. I would find it a bit sad should Mr Federer not win the title this year. He is pretty amazing. I wouldn't say he's my favourite though, and for the sake of Britain, it would be quite interesting should Murray decide to play well.

The women's tennis has been interesting. 2 Chinese women left in the final 8 - Li Na and Zheng Jie, or, as the commentator's call the latter, Gee Jen. I'm a fan of Justine Henin, though, so as much as it would be quite interesting, and in fact, history-making, for Zheng Jie to reach the finals, I'm still sort of hoping for Henin. Actually, I can't decide. Definitely Li Na over the American brothers though.

On another note, I seem to have lost my tennis racket. Rather, it has been replaced by someone else's Prince racket. If someone happens to have a green Prince racket that is not theirs, but is missing their own Prince racket, perhaps we have accidentally swapped them. Please advise if that is the case, and we can make arrangements to hopefully clear this misunderstanding.

Yay, tennis.

Jan 18, 2010

It's been one of those days when I seem to find everything frustrating, get angry at absolutely nothing, muttering and cursing under my breath the whole day, and avoiding seeing people that matter too much (e.g. bosses) for fear that I might blow up about nothing. Sighhhs.

I did walk out of the house this morning and shiver though. That made me feel good. I haven't felt cold in awhile.

If someone could advise how to break the chain of frustration, it would be greatly appreciated. Until then YELLLLLLL.

Tomorrow will be better. I can tell.

How are you?

Dec 22, '09 - Part B

I realized I have more to say. Been lacking in words lately but maybe now it's coming together.

Help me help you. Help others help you. Make it easier for them to help you, because someone wants to. I know it's hard.

For me, I've found it hard when I feel people don't have time, or when they don't seemingly don't care. Or perhaps they have enough problems. But I guess a lot of the time people seem "too busy" or "don't care" simply because they don't know. They don't it's hard, they don't know it's painful. I know it's not easy to say it hurts, it's not easy to say, "Hey, I've really had a bad day" or "Hey, I really need you to talk to me right now". But do it, because chances are, if you keep looking, you'll find someone out there and it'll make things better.

Help others help you. Help me help you.

I want to help.

Dec 22, '09

Someone at work said to me today, "Hope Santa brings you something nice for Christmas.... something nice and muscular".

Can't believe it's almost Christmas. Everyday at work probably for the last week or so I have been thinking to myself, can't believe it. The year is almost gone. Uni seemed so long ago.

Interesting things happen.

Quick note to all commenters

Thanks for your comments (regardless of the means the comments are communicated).

=]

Dec 18, '09

Loud people scare me sometimes. Makes me feel uncomfortable. Often times, I feel myself no longer being engaged in the conversation and just observing the loud, dominating voices and hand gestures. I feel like maybe they may be scared too. And while I express it through stuttering and nervous laughter, they might do it through putting people down and making racist jokes.

I guess at the end of the day, a lot of us struggle inside.

Dec 15, '09

No more anger. No more hate. Just exasperation.
Thanks for reminding me, once again, why I shouldn't just trust anyone.

Dec 9, '09

It's been an interesting day. On the way to work this morning, I went to get coffee. I thought I'd be different and try a different place - it ended up being closed, so I went somewhere else, which was also closed. It took me a bit of a detour to get a coffee, finally, which then proceeded to spill onto my car. Somehow I eventually managed to get to work, only to find I had misplaced my work keys. I was too early so was locked outside. Eventually I got in and spent about an hour trying to work with IT people in Singapore to get me onto my computer with my keycard. By about 8:30am I had been asked three time whether something was going on. It's one of those things that if the day starts of frustrating, every little frustrating things just get magnified.

When I realize I'm just frustrating myself, I find the best thing to do is to get away from the computer and interact with other people. Went onto the field and learned a few things, then had some couple of discussions about a couple upcoming risks associated with my unit. By 5pm, things were looking less grey.

At night, someone's generosity gave me a delicious three course meal. It ended up being 5 courses as the main course and dessert was shared.

I also got an invitation to go to someone's place for Christmas today. I was so surprised. It was so out of the blue, and it was very kind. Opened my email and it was something along the lines of "If you're not doing anything for Christmas, come over to my place and spend it with my family, it's not a problem at all. It's bad enough that you're cold at home, but if you're cold and lonely, that's unbearable." Don't know him that well, so probably won't take up the offer, but I was really quite amazed for a few minutes. I guess I don't see or at least recognize such random acts of kindess very often these days.

Zzz....

Ring ring. How can I help you?

I feel that very small acts on one person's part could translate into tremendous help/benefit to someone else.

Perhaps you can look beyond yourself today and try, just for a second, see what you can do, to many someone's life just that tiny bit better today.

... and perhaps you can tell me what I could do, to help bring one more smile to your day.

Good evening, reader.

How are you going? I probably haven't heard from you in awhile. Send me an email. I want to hear from you, but sometimes it is hard keeping in touch with everyone. People tend to be busy, which is why I hesitate getting in touch with people, yourself included, probably.

Hope to talk to you soon.

Regards,
Kei

Nov 23, '09

Missing you like crazy just thinking about having you gone.
They told me it gets easier with time. It doesn't.

I wish it didn't have to come to this.