Grief

I'm not sure what it looks like. I've been fortunate enough to not have to experience it very often, and often not at great lengths.

Is it all-consuming one moment, and the next moment just a dull, ever-present lull? It is driving, wondering whether the droplets in sight are the raindrops on the windscreen, or tears? Is it a painful gymnasium of equipment and toys?

That's not grief as I knew it.

Tell me, what is this?

Thou Shalt Not Kill.

I was convicted today about something I heard.

We've been discussing the Ten Commandments at church. It appears there quite a lot of views on this, and often the Christian faith is seen as one full of rules, boundaries, and "thou shalt nots". That's not how I personally see it, I see it as actually really wise guidelines, that if we actually followed, would make life so much easier. Unfortunately, life hasn't turned out that way.

That's a side track, though. The main issue I want to discuss is the 6th of the 10 Commandments - you shall not murder. This is one of the commandments that I thought I had pretty much downpacked, one that I was fairly on top of. I can say quite truthfully that I have never physically killed anyone.

Then, thinking about it more, what is that commandment really about? As the Bible makes generous allowances for the times when someone is accidentally killed, it seems to be on about the intentional killing of someone, having malice as a forethought. Murder is an obvious one. It seems also relevant to many contemporary issues as well, namely, euthanasia?, abortion and suicide. These are difficult topics; not going to discuss my thoughts on it here. Perhaps another day.

I want to talk about a less extreme case though. In Matthew 5:21-24, it says that “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment."

The Christian faith, the faith I identify with, believes that everyone was created in God's image. It is in this light we should see our community.

I haven't plotted the killing of anyone. But in the past, I have wanted people to die, and occasionally, I struggle with wanting people to suffer. But it's not about me. And it's also not about you. There's more to the world than us.

I've really been a pain to be around lately. I've really been angry with the world. Externally, I have lost my temper a few times, been the subject of anger of many Melbourne drivers, and have apparently had many vacant looks. Internally, though, I have wished plagues upon plagues on people, I have looked at people with anger. People that should be valued.

This is wrong, and I am sorry.

Ordinary people conduct amazing acts of atrocities. May it not be me, may it not be you.

Wishing you good things in the week ahead.

The Little Shadow People.

The little shadow people are talking to me again. They're not bad people, I just don't really trust what they have to say sometimes, and because they all talk at once, I find it hard to follow what they're actually on about. Recently, they've done quite a bit of bickering with each other, and then really just telling me how you've been really uncool lately, and how ultimately you should be kicked out of the equation.

It's not that I disagree. Metaphorically speaking, I've already been advised ages back the appropriate coefficients that go in front of your names in the equation, namely 0 for C1, 0 for C2, 0 for C3, and really, pretty much 0 for Cn.

Yes, the little shadow people are right, but there's no need to remind me every night. Seriously, a person has got to sleep.

July 8, 2010

I don't think it's a good sign when you're wishing you would give sick so you could take sick leave.

Just going to say it - I'm really, really tired, really angry, really angry at me being angry at things that is no one's fault. Feeling everything building up, a bit like unburnt fuel in a heater, it searches for oxygen as soon as it sees it, ignites and explodes. Body aching, not sleeping, just feeling dizzy and even reading Facebook is effort.

I really need a change of scene. Maybe head to see some snow, but really, right now, it's not realistic, too tired to drive.

Perhaps you can drill some perspective into this head of mine, perhaps you can tell me it's not my fault, perhaps you can prescribe me something to go to sleep. But if you can't do that, perhaps you can just remind me that you exist, because at the end of the day, that matters.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest". Matt 11:28.

July 7, 2010

Trying to be fair, trying to be reasonable
But feeling a great sense that
It's not fair.
How could you not know?

Want to just accept, wanting to forgive
Knowing deep inside that
Life's not fair.
Why can't I move on?

Exploring this, reasoning it out
Working through the issues
You're not fair.
What was the issue again?

Out of sight, out of mind. For that, I'm grateful.