December 14, 2011

Had a nice surprise today. I was told I was getting an iPad 2, or an approximate equivalent amount in cash, my choice. It feels good to be recognized. I considered the iPad but I think I will go with the cash. I'm not sure what I would do with an iPad. I can't imagine me using it that much. If anyone with an iPad thinks it's terrific let me know, I would be keen to understand what's so good about it. I don't even really know what they can do.

The window on the driver's seat of my car does not roll down automatically anymore. In the past, if you press it once, it would keep going until you pressed it again. Same with rolling it back up. Again, if anyone knows what I could've done to change this setting, let me know. I've been looking around my car to see if there is some lock function I accidentally pressed but have not as yet seen one.

Still waiting for some takers for making that cake...

Someone make this for me...

http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/cuisine/baking/recipe/cream-cheese-chocolate-and-coffee-brownies-20111018-1lxlz.html

Please? :)

Out of the blue.

"He what?!?!"

Should I call? Should I not? I want to call. But it's a bit out of the blue. He'll think it's strange. It might be a bit awkward.

Should I call? Should I not? I want to call.

A few hours later, I pick up the phone and call.

"Hello?" A woman picks up.

I want to hang up. I identify myself and force myself to ask for him. I hadn't met her before.

"Hello?" ... and the conversation starts. It lasted a couple of minutes.

It ended with "thanks very much for your concern."

Afterwards, I was so, extremely relieved I called. Do you ever get that? When you wonder for ages whether something is a good idea, then just relieved because you know for sure you did the right thing?

Sigh of relief. On multiple fronts.

He's ok.

Lesson learned (actually not lesson learned, but lesson reinforced): Err on the side of showing you care, even if it risks appearing strange. Don't assume someone else will do it. Someone else might not. And that could lead to very bad places. And that is something is not worth risking.

Come again?

I wish you'd told me what you were about to say.

I would have stopped all that I was doing, turn to you, give you my full attention, and try my very hardest to put into my memory every detail of that moment.

But I didn't see it coming, you just spoke, and 5 seconds later, I understood what the jist of the message was but couldn't remember how it was actually said. Couldn't replay it in my head if I wanted to.

Made my day, week.. and just about month.

I'm sure you (the reader) have those moments as well sometimes. I hope you have another one soon. It's pretty awesome. Makes you feel things are worth it.

And all of a sudden, I'm a little bit angry.

Maybe it's not enough sleep. Perhaps that sparked it.

We've had some discussions at work about anger lately. It's more anger in the context of frustration. One of the leaders has been telling us that if someone starts getting angry at you, let them know it's making you uncomfortable, and if they don't respond positively, walk away right then and there. Give them some time to calm down, then go back and work things out. A lot of the times it's not personal (although not always), and often it's because they've frustrated, have worked long hours, multiple days in the row and are tired (not that it justifies anything).

Good advice. Except it works on the assumption that after they've calmed down, you can go back, have a rational conversation, work things through and move on. Probably move on to the next crisis or topic of concern, but either way, move on.

In my experience, I can calm down, forget about things, but not enough sleep (or whatever it is) can re-spark the anger and out of nowhere there's this massive fire inside about to burn.. very slowly.. slow glowing embers but destructive all the same.

At work, we say "Be safe. Stay calm. Have fun."

I am calm.

Just calmly angry.

October 30, 2011

Today was a sad day. Not just for me, but for many others. I cannot even begin to imagine how painful it must be for them.

I knew it would be difficult, but hearing the words tonight, I realize just how much he meant to me.

As I stood there reflecting, images came into my head, memories that I hadn't thought of in awhile. I recall a time, about 3-4 years ago, after a fairly horrific night I had, in which I was given his number to call in the event of another emergency. I was offered many numbers, and I wouldn't take them, but his I took, even though I didn't know him that well, he appeared trustworthy and safe. I don't know why.

I recall another time, also 3-4 years ago, in which he came up to me and asked me how I was going. We both knew that he knew what had happened. I told him I was scared, and had trouble walking around by myself. He acknowledged that it was a difficult position to be in. He appeared to understand.

There were happier memories. One time I heard him tell a children's story. A story about Santa Claus. I hadn't really seen him around children before. He was good with them.

I am immensely thankful that he has been able to be a part of my life. I am immensely, immensely thankful for the help he provided through difficult times. Sad, but immensely thankful.

I hope we do not lose perspective during this time. Let's not get side tracked on what we don't know, or infer things from what's not really there. Let's make sure we cling to what is true.

I trust that God's at work, fulfilling his good purposes.

October 25, 2011

I don't like all the highs and lows and extreme feelings. I would prefer stability. Life's not like that all the time, though, so just have to learn to manage the swings.

I've known it's hard to forgive. I've learned that I'm finding it almost impossible to forgive someone that doesn't think they've committed any wrongs, that hasn't indicated at all any recognition of the pain they've caused. I just can't do it no matter how I try.

I never knew you could look up to someone so much that it hurts. How does that work?

It's hard when you can't keep track of what's going on, it feels out of control.

I was told to take a deep breath and calm down. It works, a bit. At least momentarily.

On a high.

Bounce flowing every where at the moment. It's a bit crazy.

Waiting for the crash, but at the moment, bouncing all over the place. Will be difficult to sleep tonight, although really hoping for some good rest.

I guess I like to push the boundaries. Maybe it's not completely appropriate, maybe it's not how most people would do things, but we're getting along, life's easier this way for both of us, I like it when people are smiling like you are, why not then?

I know why not. I know very, very well why not.

The plan, therefore, is that we'll push the boundaries and see how flexible they are, but not fall off the cliff.

Excellent plan.

It's as easy as 1, 2, 3.

I don't understand why it's so hard for some people to respond to their phones.

It is extremely frustrating.

Call me, and I'll tell you why.

The green stuff.

I paid $16.5 for a vegetarian burger today.

I don't know what came over me.

My friend was quite shocked when I put out that order. Apparently I have a reputation for being a bit of a carnivore.

It was actually surprisingly good.

That's all it is - words.

I received two apologies today. One cane up to me and said something along the lines of, "I hope I didn't upset you, you know everyone gets upset sometimes". The other came up to me and directly offered his genuine apology and gave me a box of chocolates to make up for it.

I told a friend about this. She says, "Typical guys - they think can just buy you a gift and pretend like nothing ever happened." She told me about how she was fearful of seeing someone after a similar situation I had, and that really, even they semi-acknowledged that he was completely out of line with her, there was still a tension and she was in fact dreading every time they might.

Nevertheless, the two gestures, especially the latter (as it really is the thought that counts), really did do it for me. Yes, they made me feel awful. In case you were wondering - it was things they said. For the last many hours, I had kept replaying everything in my head. I really don't like confrontation. However, after the apologies, I was a lot more at peace. I could go home and eat my spaghetti bolognaise again. Makes me feel we can continue to go on. Not that we would forget it happened, but it's really close to almost.

It was really tough 24 hours ago. Ended up messing a lot of things up, things that can't be changed. But that's life and you've got to accept it and move on.

One thing I did learn from all this is how to deliver a gracious apology though. That's how I would describe the second apology - gracious. When I mess up in the future, I would hope that my apologies would be like that how his was as well.

An apology really does help. It really does make things better.

Stay calm everyone. And stay safe. Especially when driving. Roads are quite slippery these days.

Full health.

Some of you will know that I have had a back injury recently. As a result, I was not able to bend over at all from the waist.

It's quite amazing how much that can affect you. Usually, when things dropped on the floor, I wouldn't even think but would pick it straight up. Not being able to bend from the waist meant that every time I had to pick something up from the floor, I had to bend my knees and keep my back/waist very straight to ensure it was not too excruciatingly painful. Because of that I would try to optimize picking things up to minimize the number of times needing to bend over. Driving was painful but bearable - when pressing the clutch it was just a split second of pain. But simple acts like standing up, sitting down, putting on clothes was hard. Lying in bed was the best because it wouldn't hurt.

The other hard thing is that it is not immediately noticeable to other people that I had an injury. Not that I wanted attention or anything, but because of the tape and support etc was underneath my clothing, it could not be seen normally, meaning that people would bump into me and not realize the impact it would have, nor would they realize why I was walking so slow.

Almost back to full health though. Was very excited today, could take off the back support. Yay.

Good health is something I take for granted.

I'm thankful that it is almost better and that I'm healthy most of the time.

Wishing you good health as well, and stay safe.

3 day weekends.

For the last couple of days, I've been waiting to get sick.

My body had been feeling quite weak the last couple of days. Muscles felt like a cross between a withering tree and jelly.

I've been taking the last few Fridays off to deal with some things. The 3 day weekend has helped revive a bit of energy. It's not really like me to wake up and wonder what time is it and realize I'm already ten minutes late to something twenty minutes drive away.

It's Sunday night and I did not get sick. Slightly more energized.

One thing good about the 3 day weekends is really being able to appreciate the good sunshine we have been getting. Yay for spring. Stay spring, don't bring on summer yet...

How was your weekend?

Spring is in the air.

I had a long weekend - took last Friday off.

Such a great weekend to have a long weekend. Spring is here, weather was beautiful, sun was out and the temperature was just unbelievably comfortable.

Played tennis twice. Playing tennis is good for me, mentally and physically, it's a healthy channel.

Watched quite a bit of TV - Davis Cup was on. It's still on and not over for Australia yet, due to the light issues. I'm secretly going for Switzerland though...

How are you? Send me an email, let me know - I'm actually asking.

Thankful.

At home with Julia.

There's this show on ABC called "At home with Julia". It's really the most ridiculous show ever. It's supposed to be some political satire, although at times funny, is primarily, in my opinion, idiotic. I can't believe we as a nation would stoop down this low to make fun of our PM this way. It doesn't, to me, matter what your political opinions are, the fact of the matter is, her party is ruling the country in accordance with the democracy we have, so really, will we feel better about ourselves if we make a TV show portraying her partner as a bit of a second-class loser?

Rocks on shoulders worm in head mud in stomach.

Help me hear and believe the truth when the lies are so loud.

Jumping on the bandwagon.

I was listening to the ABC on the way to work this morning. The news reporter was periodically giving updates on the Women's Finals in the US Open. As I was driving off from home, Stosur had won the first set.

It was good hearing the periodic updates. It only happened because an Aussie was in the final. It was quite dramatic too, with the Serena controversy (or, perhaps, not that controversial given that most people I know don't think too fondly of her little tirade).

I arrived at a local cafe near by work. It's a humble little place, unlike these fancy places in Carlton etc with glorified coffee beens, etc. $3 for a decent, strong latte. Anyway, I go there and found a bunch of people gathered around the little TV in the cafe, watching Channel 9 broadcast the finals.

I had intentions to get to work early and get some things done, but seeing my good fortune of it actually being on TV, live, at a decent hour, I just had to pause and join the crowd. I think they were about 3 games into the second set when I got there.

It was a great game. Stosur played well. Serena was not a happy chappy, most noticeably in her tirade. It was also the 10 year anniversary of the Sept 11 attacks, so I guess it would have meant a lot to the audience there for an American to win. She did pick up her game, and fired off some really nice winners. I loved what the commentator said, "Tennis is great in the way you can channel your anger in a safe way". And that she did.

It was really interesting watching with the other people in the cafe. I didn't know these people (except for the shop owner). Most of them didn't seem to know much about the players. One went, "Is this the finals? Is there an Aussie in it? I thought we didn't have any good tennis players in Australia." He was filled in quickly by someone else, and then he pretty much jumped on the bandwagon, cheering for Stosur, commenting on her athleticism, talking about how down-to-earth she was, as if he knew her, and hi fiving with everyone else as she got some winners. That is Australia.

Ended up watching the rest of the match. Got to work a bit late, my colleague had to deal with the coffee I had gotten for him that had gone cold, but I filled him in on the final and we had another high-five.

It's just a game, but it is someone's personal victory, and it's great to have people celebrating and happy for you, albeit people that had only heard of you 20 minutes before you won yet act like they've known you their whole lives.

I love the tennis.

September 10, 2011.

http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/left-behind-by-suicide-20110908-1jzhr.html

September 7, 2011.

What can I do you for?

Not much.

Ok then...

Hm, well, I guess... are you good at baking cakes?

What sort of cake?

Fudge?

Not really.

How about get me some lobster for lunch?

How about not?

That's alright, I didn't have anything in mind.

So you just came to say hi?

Yep.

Have a chocolate.

Why?

Because you've been helpful today.

Because I said hi?

Everyone else just wants something.

I know the feeling.

Have to go.

Thanks for the chocolate.

Thanks for saying hi.

________

Who am I speaking to?

Who do you think?

Oh, sorry, wrong number.

No worries.

How are you, anyway?

Pretty good, it's been fairly quiet.

So how come I don't hear from you anymore? Too good for me since..?

Never, darling.

But you've been well?

Yeah, not too bad.

Have to go.

Take care of yourself, ok?

You too, see you soon.

________

It's not reasonable, he didn't do his bit.

I'm not sure who was supposed to do what.

I'm being pushed and it's not fair.

I'm not blaming you.

You can't expect -

Calm down, I'm not saying it's your fault.

He didn't -

There's no point looking back. Let's try our best now.

He didn't -

Let's try our best now. Speak to him, sort it out.

I'll get back to you.

Old(er).

Yesterday, I went out and had a fancy lunch. It was a restaurant reviewed by Matt Preston, had fancy decor, and of which I was definitely underdressed. Wouldn't be my choice, but with getting old(er) comes having friends that eat at expensive places and drink wine for lunch. The food was good though.

Then I went to work. It was a Saturday afternoon and I generally don't believe in working on Saturdays, and certainly not on Sundays, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Getting old(er).

Looking good, mate.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/15/pretty-people-more-selfish_n_927732.html