The last day of Autumn, 2010

I've noticed good things this last season... the ever-changing colour of the trees against many beautiful blue skies, the fact that so many weekends in a row, the sun was told to shine.

It could've been a lot harder, this last season. The pressures of some other activities in past seasons was not insignificant. The relative ease in which decisions could be made, the freedom that this season brought - for these, I am grateful.

Throughout the season, there were still days, where I would remember what happened. I would remember the hurt, the brokeness, the tears. It would drive me to despair, remembering those smiles unsincere, the lies outright, the pain extreme.

And while I have learned to see the colours of autumn this year, there are still days that I will throw the phone across the phone when you call, there are still days that I will curse profoundly when I hear your name, there are still days that my head doesn't stop hurting recalling what you did.

Thanks for helping me get through another season. Winter will be more trying. Help me let go. Help me help you.

May 19, 2010

Words I read today, on a blog belonging to someone of whom I don't believe I've officially met - "Check up on me every once in a while, show me that you still care about this friendship, I need the reminders".

Hoping that whatever it is, it becomes less troubling soon.

---

Check up on me every once in awhile.
Show me that you still you still care about this friendship.
I need the reminders.

All the time.

May 8, 2010

Went on a fairly long bike ride today winery hopping. Probably drank a bit too much. Muscles tired.

Read on someone's Facebook post today that, "If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love, if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough". Thank you for the reminder.

Don't mix your drinks, children. Don't drink and drive.

Time to hold still. No need to pick up yet, no need to be too ambitious. Just don't fall.

April 22, 2010

- I haven't had a Mars Bar taste that good in a long time. Yum.
- I'm hoping the starting of the new MasterChef series will plant a seed / inspire my housemates to do something great in the world (starting at home). I have one getting very excited downstairs at the moment... =P
- Yay for rests and breaks =)

April 20, 2010

I've typed and re-typed this post put kept deleting it because it seemed to attention-seeking. Truth is, I need help sorting out thoughts. I need help without too many opinions and advice. Thank you for everyone's good intentions, but it's been more overwhelming than anything.

Help me sort out my mind. Help me get out of this exasperated, helpless, exhausted state.

I started reading through SMS's since May 09. It's like reading a story going down a certain path, and it drifts away from that plot to an entirely different story without anyone noticing.

Goldilock's took something that wasn't hers - that wasn't right, but does anyone know, but where was Goldilock's home?

April 17, 2010

I've had a couple of friends who have spent the last 36 hours or so walking 100km without sleeping. To you all out there - respect, respect and further respect. Congratulations for finishing, and for those that didn't finish, congratulations for even starting. Seriously, even the thought of it, is, in someone's words, "traumatic". Terrific cause, and the mental strength to carry through with it - unbelievable. Great work, guys =)

I've really been feeling I've been getting a lot of strange requests. Unable to process and keep up with all of them. As I am not pyschic, explanations/chats appreciated, though not necessary.

I believe I can succesfully cook two vego dishes now. Yay.

April 16, 2010

It's been a crazy last two days. I haven't had something like that in quite awhile (if ever). It's good to be able to breathe again, take a step back and re-gain perspective. I'm glad it's Saturday tomorrow... and it will be a lazy one.

Sleepy.. good night.

April 11, 2010

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity"

There have been things to smile about this weekend.

There are some things you can't predict.

Quite a few conversations caught me by surprise today. Finding out people's circumstances had changed, some quite drastically - e.g. pack up bags, move cities drastic. What else? I watched my sister fly today; that is not something that happens everyday. Apparently she enjoyed it despite a bit of rollercoaster sensations initially.

I also went to a great dinner party tonight =) Great company and great food. I had been recovering from two week's of spicy food so had been quite unwell the last few days. Chicken parma and choco cake was the cure.

Lots of things happening in lots of people's lives. Remember, the first priority is to stay safe. Second priority is to stay sane.

Thanks for giving me reasons to smile today.

He's falling, and you're only allowed to watch.

It's difficult when friends get hurt. It's even more difficult when you see them walking right into a hole when all you can do is watch.

There's no particular need to say anything; it won't help. Sometimes people can get so caught up chasing a dream that they fail to see the dream will only cause more troubles and lead to more harm.

It's been difficult and in the past; I've lost sleep over it. I try to insulate myself from these things because it can be too much to bear, but technology has made it too hard for this.

Losing sleep - Who will that help? How will that make things better?

Instead, I'm going to give it to the King, especially on this Easter weekend. This King, who has infinitely more wisdom than I can even begin to imagine, I ask of him to take away my anxiety and paranoia, and to look after those whom I can only watch fall.

I mis-judged.

I was in the ocean.
The sun was warm.
The wind was pleasant.

I was about chest-high in water.
I saw some harmless waves in the distance.
The waves were far away.

I mis-judged.

The waves weren't that harmless.
The waves weren't that far.
I was standing on shallow ground.

The waves came crashing towards me.
I rocketed towards the beach floor.
I started bleeding and winced in pain.

I mis-judged.

The waves weren't that harmless.
The waves weren't that far.
I was standing on shallow ground.

I mis-judged.

You weren't that harmless.
You were too close.
... and I was reminded, when falling towards the ocean floor, just how shallow you are really are. It astounds me.

Thank you for being far, far away.

March 21, 2010, b.

There's a difference between wants and needs.
This time, I need your help.

For the first time tonight, I almost created a new way of messing up. I found out tonight how easy it was.

Help me do the right thing. This one is actually important. This one matters.

Thank you for your generosity.

March 21, 2010

Sat June 16, 2007 - Some things don't change.

March 16, 2010

I find it difficult to believe in those that show seemingly no/minimal weakness. Those that appear strong, especially during events that should lead to at least some sort of emotion to indication some vague trace of humanity inside that bodily shell, make me weary. Overly happy people during times of tragedy usually is a sign of denial, but after that initial phase, if no bubbles of emotion come out... that's it.

I appreciate weakness - to me, that is a sign of strength. Something raw, something uncontrolled - all should have this, at least once in awhile. No life can be that good.

I appreciate sincerity and a genuine heart.

Thank you for giving me opportunities to see this.

March 14, 2010

I played a shockingly awful game of tennis today due to physical exhaustion.

I want to take photos. If anyone ever feels like going for a walk let me know and I'll bring Ollie (my camera).

I wore a skirt for 12+ hours yesterday for the first time since the last wedding I went to (about two years ago). Actually I probably wore a dress at that wedding, not a skirt. I have decided to wear skirts at more frequent time intervals now as a sign of change. Thus do not be too surprised if you see me in a skirt (note it will probably be a long denim one as that is the only one I have that I like).

It is helpful to know what you can handle and what you can't. I am thankful that several people have taken the initiative to look after some issues that I currently am not in the position to handle. Thank you.

It came to my attention that, with the exception of weekends, I will have only 3 days off (the public holidays) from April 7 to Christmas. I will have to wear my "burnt" shirt more.

One would think if you left 5+ miscalls on a phone, the recipient would think it's at least semi-important/urgent and thus call back. Apparently, one is wrong.

On the plus side I inherited some baking trays today. Yay.

March 10, 2010

A couple of unrelated thoughts:

I have an appreciation for the "like" function on Facebook statuses. It is making Facebook even more passive than it already is. I'm finding myself cracking a smile, being amused, or just plain "liking" some statuses that have been popping up. While in the past I would attempt to string together a few words to represent some jumbled thoughts, and subsequently write it in a comment, the easier option has now been provided to just press that nice little button next to "comment", after which a thumbs up sign promptly appears.

I do not have an appreciation for the new digital lockers in the Melbourne Uni Sports centre. I had already heard some conversations in the locker room about how the lockers are a bit unreliable. Without taking that on board, I found myself in a situation where, after rinsing the chlorine off my body and wrapping myself in a towel, an unfriendly locker chose not to open for me after several attempts of entering in the password. Fortunately, I found a nice lady who went out and got a staff member to save me from distress. I did stand there for a long three minutes thoroughly missing my clothes though.

Triviality aside, certainty resides, and for that, I am grateful.

March 7, 2010

Thanks for the assurance of something certain.
Thanks for the peace and the calm.

Help me learn to walk again.
Help me learn to walk differently this time.

Thanks for not leaving.

____

"Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust..."

Until next time, Summer.

It was a cool summer's day that ended Melbourne's hot season this time around, giving Melburnians just a taste of what is to come in the coming months. As the Bureau predicted, the skies drizzled just that little bit, enough just so the sweet smell of rain could penetrate through.

I personally love autumn; it is my favourite season. I missed most of it last year; this year, I hope it will be different. It can sometimes be difficult to see as the lenses of brokeness give way. However, this year, this season, I will endeavour to treasure the beautiful autumn afternoon light and witness the glorious colour transformations.

Thanks for the assurance of something certain.

Or

Maybe it's the wind
Maybe it'll be better after the showers have passed
Maybe it's the fact that I was sick
Maybe it's because the virus has just gone home

Here in this world but apart from the body
Floating, disconnected, observing
Not there

Someone give me a push, someone shout
Reconnect my mind to my brain, reconnect my soul to my heart

Until then, not a word out of my mouth
For fear I explode
In words of
Anger
____

@$!!##!!#

Feb 21, 2010

Maybe it's the heat
Maybe it'll be better from this afternoon when the cool change comes.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm still sick
Maybe it'll be better when the virus goes home

Here in this world but apart from the body
Floating, disconnected, observing
Not there

Someone give me a push, someone shout
Reconnect my mind to my brain, reconnect my soul to my heart

Until then, not a word out of my mouth
For fear I explode
In words of
Anger