November 29,' 08

- Heard Dvorak's Symphony No. 9 in E minor yesterday. First movement was very exciting. Have heard the second movement before, but never quite like that. Perhaps it's the combination of current emotions as well as the extreme talent of the orchestra that made me completely, utterly fall in love with it. For 10 minutes in time, I was in a different world.

- Liking the weather at the moment. Seems like it will last for a few days, which is good too. It's very refreshing to cycle in the middle of the night, wearing a t-shirt which allows you to feel the slight drizzle coming down.

- Drank vodka for the first time in a very long time yesterday. It's quite interesting how the senses and the brain functions. The first sip was quite exhilarating, with the blood shooting to the head and a million images and memories flooding re-appearing. It's a bit like smelling something you haven't smelled for a very long time. Apparently there's a "vodka blend" which consists of chilli and peaches saturated in vodka for a few months. That sounds like something to try.

November 26, '08

- I was told a few days ago that an era is ending. Uni has finished, DP is complete, the "sit down, listen, learn, and take notes" for the past 16 years has ended. I don't like to think of it as an end of an era. It's because I feel like one must reflect at era-ends. I.e. think about what went well, what didn't go well, how to improve. Thinking ahead, looking towards the future, making goals, etc. That's just too worrisome. Thinking about tomorrow is enough.

- I said to someone yesterday, "Loss/grief/pain/hurt = life = too difficult". The response? "I don't believe that for a second." That was encouraging.

- Someone said to me today, "Feel free to stay and be my slave." Ah, the irony. It's been good to be welcomed in a home. It's been good to have company. Even if it involves being a slave =) This, I think, is what I have been most grateful for this month.

- I was riding through uni today and was thinking, there are some parts of uni I will miss a lot, some I'm sure I won't even realize till a lot later. E.g. Castros. That place has helped me get through many sleepless nights. Long live their cappucino. There are some things I won't miss though, like the engineering computers that never work.

- Ask people how they are. Actually genuinely ask. Genuinely be willing to give your time to listen. You'll be amazed how many people need it.

- If anyone is bored anytime in the following week, please give me a call. I will almost 100% certain be free.

- I want a dog.

tick-tock..

...and then,
you forget how to forget.

... and then,
you see the face.
you hear the voice.
you remember.

Candlelight.

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle" - Erin Majors.

Light another candle. Even if you don't need the light.
Light another candle. Even if you feel warm inside.

Cuz for someone out there, their wick is ending tonight.
Cuz for someone out there, it's dark tonight.
Cuz for someone out there, can't survive.

You might not need it,
But someone out there,
Someone tonight,
Surely needs
Even the slightest
Glimmer of
Candlelight.

Sometimes you forget.

It's rare, but it happens.

You wake up thinking the day won't be enjoyable. You walk out of the house thinking you're not going to smile. You eat breakfast and you remember.

Then, you spend a good day exploring foreign areas with a good friend. Then, you eat a great three course meal for dinner. Then, you talk nonsensically about useless things till late hours at night.

During those times, you forget you that things shouldn't be enjoyable. During those times, you forget you're not supposed to smile. During those times, you forget.

Sometimes you forget.

Make the difference.

Small things can make a difference. Acing a paper. Eating a good steak. Seeing the sun shine.

But these things are often out of our control, or at least, there is a large element of uncertainty involved. Example 1. Unless you are a genius, or somehow managed to lay your hands on the paper before the exam, I reckon paper acing is quite a difficult task. Example 2. To get the perfect steak (and for me, by perfect I mean medium rare with this glorious colour of pink blood slowly oozing out), again, a bit too many variables involved. As for a guarantee that the sun will shine? Ask anyone who lives in Melbourne, no guarantees at all.

Some things, on the other hand, are much more in your control. Control that comes from within. Things that could, in fact, make a difference.

Of coures, not all that we can control is easy. E.g. Quitting smoking. Never tried, but from what I hear, it's quite a daunting task. How easy/hard and possible/impossible it is varies with circumstance, varies with time, varies with person.

But I believe, people can control a lot more than they think, people can make a much bigger difference than they imagine. I think we underestimate ourselves a bit too much.

We underestimate the difference a smile can make. We underestimate the smiles a word of thanks can bring. We underestimate the relief a hug can bring. We underestimate us.

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." - Theodore Roosevelt

Seriously. Try it.

Yes, it could make no difference. But it could make some difference. In fact, it could make a heap of difference.

It could save a life.

Simple maths.

It appears to be a discrete function. In fact, only two options are possible: 0 or -100.

There's nothing between 0 and -100. -20? -50? No, these numbers do not exist.

There are sometimes illusions of positive numbers. But, that's all that they are - illusions.

And even if not illusions, even if real, it's better to keep to 0 anyway. Then -100 won't seem that negative after all. -100 only seems such a low number when comparing to numbers such as +100.

Keep to 0. Keep to neutral.

Be nothing. Feel nothing.

Simple maths. Works all the time.

Ace the paper

I have an exam on Wednesday. 411-448 Bioenvironmental Engineering. Last exam in uni ever. Last walk to REB ever. Last time hearing them say "Candidates, you must stop writing now."

I have a feeling I will ace the exam. As will all the other of my lovely coursemates. I can tell, just from the discussions we've been having about it.

Example. I asked one of my oh-so-clever friends just now what Peter (our lecturer) said about Question 1b on the 2005 exam. The question describes a situation in which the BOD (biochemical oxygen demand) levels in sewater in an Antarctic region, were measured. Temperature of the seawater was -1.8C. The question then states: To satisfy that the results are valid and reliable you feel the need to ask the researchers who conducted the work the procedures they used to obtain the BOD values.

My clever friend's reponse was:
1. bacteria functioning
2. reproduction and respiration rate will be lower
3. i don't know

Call me an idiot, but I did not feel the answers really targetted the question. Never mind, I thought, let me think about it. Upon contemplating over her answers, I concluded that her first response referred to the fact the bacteria may not be functioning at -1.8C, and hence BOD levels measured would not even represent any bacteria. I concluded her second response referred to the fact that reproduction and respiration of any viable bacteria would be much lower than at ambient temperatures, and hence BOD levels measured may not be accurate. Finally, I concluded that her third answer was magnificent.

I then proceeded to check with her whether my conclusions of what she said was correct. She said they were, and I told her the most correct answer was probably #3.

She then decided to kindly summarize the answer again for me, this time saying:
so 1. bacteria might not be functioning at such low temp
2. respiration and reproduction rate will be slower
3. nina is pretty even at -1.8C

COOL. Yes, #3 is certainly most correct. That is certainly what the question was asking for.

I feel confident about this exam. Me, Nina, and the rest, will certainly ace it.

Hurrah.

It's just how it is.

Bad things happen. People expect good things to happen. It's true.

In all the everyday things people say - "have a good day", "happy birthday, wishing you a good year ahead". When people ask how someone is, and the answer is "good", then, generally, no further questions asked. However, if the reply is "bad", then the questions come.

Underlying these everyday sayings, underlying these wishes and hopes, is the expectation that life should be good. The expectation that we should be happy, and that good things should happen.

But. Think about it. Think logically. Why? Why should things be good, Whydo we deserve good things to happen? Why should there not be suffering?

There's no answer.

Expect life to be awful. Expect life to be crap. Expect tragedies to happen.

Expect reliable people to let you down. Expect those that love you to hurt you bad. Expect that in everything you do, you will fail.

Some say if you lower your expectations, you won't be as disappointed. That's true, but I reckon the real reason one should lower their expectations is because it is, for some reason, on average, set arbritrarily high.

I believe it is important to suffer a bit. Then when you're not suffering, you know. I believe it is important to be hurt. Allows you to appreciate being loved. I believe it is important to feel pain. Then can one only experience true pleasure.

I believe it is important to suffer. The emotions that linger, allows me to, in the smallest possible way, even begin to empathsize.

I believe it is important to be hurt. The scars deeply imprinted, makes me, motivates me, yes, indeed drives me, to consciously hurt others less. To be there for others more. To let others know they are cared for. To not give up on people, to not let them go.

I believe it is important to feel the pain. To have the knife, stabbed deep into your back, and wrenched around at least five times. I believe it is important to see the blood flowing, have your body yelping in pain. Stab it deeper, stab it further, take the knife out and do it again, get another knife, and stab from the other side at once.
Suffer. Hurt. Feel the pain.

It's important. It's vital.

...

It's just how it is.

November 13, 2008

Good things from today:
1. Relief from the heat wave. The cool breeze coming through my window now is just beneath heavenly. The rain was good.
2. Holding Max, my housemate's Pugapoo (cross between a pug and a toy poodle). Cutest thing ever. Wished we had a dog. Makes our house so much more lively.
3. The end of the red blood cell era.

2-week Freedom Plan.

2:30 in the morning, unable to sleep despite various trying various tactics. Thought, instead of being so unproductive, I would write down some things to do during the two weeks I have after exams and before going overseas.

Currently, the list stands at:
- Buying a new bedside drawer.
- Sorting out clothes in wardrobe (currently all sort of tossed around all over the shelves).
- Get a photo framed.
- Sort and clean out files from the last four years.
- Back-up all files on computer.

List isn't that fascinating at the moment. I reckon I could actually do all that in two days. Need to have more things to keep myself occupied.

Thus, if anyone is interested in doing anything in the latter half of the month, and I mean anything at all that might be remotely interesting, please feel free to share and care.

I think I might cook some funky stuff too. Our house tends to excessively cook and bake post-exams. Since it'll be post-uni for two of us, I can see a few feasts coming along. If anyone would like to be cooked for, that is also potentially an option. Note that this option is only open to those that do not have very peculiar taste in cuisines such as frog or dog.

Hm. Things that need purchasing overseas:
- Camera (model yet to be decided)
- External hard drive

Cool beans, hot jeans.

I'm for McCain. Thus, I'm uncool.

Right. both sentences above - pure lies. I am not for McCain. As for the cool factor, well, hm... that's up to reader discretion.

But, this post is not about me. It's about what the press is saying time and time again the history-making US election yesterday.

According to the latest news I read, 47% of Americans voted McCain. If maths serves me correctly, that's approximately 1 in 2 people voted for the guy. However, observing MSN statuses, Facebook updates, all the "O-BAM-A, O-BAM-A" random cheering you hear on the street (and yes, streets of Australia), one would think otherwise.

I reckon it's a generational thing. I reckon that for Generation Y, it is totally uncool to support McCain. Why? Cuz he's not black? Perhaps. Cuz he's 72? Perhaps. I don't know. But unless you are a hardcore Republican that speaks up to your beliefs, you will be unheard. In fact, I've found that most people that speak these days just assume you are pro-Barack, as if it would be impossible for someone to be otherwise.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against the new US presidential-elect, nor was I ever a McCain fan. My knowledge of American politics is limited; nevertheless, what strikes me as curious is this new Obama-craze that has left poor Republican supporters hiding under their hats.

I don't deny that it was an amazing campaign, and it is indeed a history-making election. Sometimes I wonder if people are just fooled by Obama's black-ness and his oratory rhetorics. Especially people that don't seem to really know what's going on, except that "it's in to be pro-Obama".

Then again... I just read somewhere that Sarah Palin thought Africa was a country. So... maybe there's a reason for this craze after all.

Best wishes to the new US President-elect.

Something that encouraged me today...

"Damn, can't believe you're still so logical and calm in a situation like this."
Sometimes one sentence can mean a lot. This was such sentence. Thanks, Mister.

On a different note, I saw the most funky bird the other day outside my house. I'm not familiar with bird species, but it was a green lil'creature some patches of blue, orange, and bright red. Was a bit of a fatty too. Cute. =)

$3.20

Yesterday, I was written a cheque. A rather generous cheque, I must say. It came to a grand total of $3.20. The story behind why I was given this cheque is a bit long, so I won't bother. But, let's just attribute it to someone's overwhelming generosity =D

This morning, I went to the bank to cash the cheque. The teller, after punching in the numbers and fiddling about with whatever else she does on her computer, tells me that it will take approximately three working days for the cheque to come through. She looks at the cheque again, then chuckles.

Guessing what was implied behind the chuckle, I said to her, "Don't worry, I think I can live with $3.20 for three days." She then goes, "You can buy a lot with $3.20! You could get a coffee!" I then say, "Turn over the cheque." She turns over the cheque, and right there is a-oh-so-artistic drawing of a steaming cup of coffee. She reads, "A cup of coffee - to Kei".

The teller bursts out laughing. She can't stop laughing for at least 20 seconds. She says something a long the lines of, "What are the chances??? Wow! Someone actually wrote you a cheque for that...?!?! So sweet!"

Hahaha. It's only just after midday, but I must say, that little experience with the whole being given the cheque thing, and then cashing it through and cracking up the bank teller made my day.

Thanks, matey. =)

Pray.

A few friends performed a song last week by Third Day, called "When the Rain Comes". Part of it goes a bit like this:

I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away

Before the songw as sung, one of the performers said something along the lines of "Many of us have friends that are going through difficult times, and we don't know how to help them. But take heart, be encouraged, just keep being there."

It is difficult not knowing knowing how to help. What makes it impossible is when the realization comes that, asides from being ears to listen, there's nothing you can do.

I'll always be here to listen. I'll always be here to nod and pretend things will be ok, even when we both think they won't. I'll always be there, to sit with you, and listen to the rain.

But... somehow.. I don't think it's enough.

And thus I shall pray.

I haven't prayed for a very, very long time. It's because I feel God doesn't listen to me. But then again, who am I to expect God to listen? And perhaps he has, perhaps I just haven't been very open. Regardless, I will pray. I wll try. It's the least I can do. Maybe God will listen this time, if it's praying for someone else.

For me, I live for the 5 seconds of the day in which it's not utter horror. For me, I live for the 5 seconds of the day that I see notice the sun shining. For me, I live for the 5 seconds of the day that someone makes me smile.

Sure, that's 15 seconds only.... but that's 15 seconds more than none.

I wish the same for you.
I hope the same for you.
I pray the same for you.

October 23, 2008

... why?

Unexplainable.
Not understandable.

NoT.aGaiN.

sighs.

No questions asked.

People have been telling me that recently that I have really good friends. It's not that I disagree - I know it for a fact. Knowing it and feeling it can be different though. Sometimes, something really small can make me feel it...

There's an unlimited number of ways to show friendship and care; similarly, it can be received and interpereted in a multitude of ways. For me, someone making time for me is very important, as well as someone asking (actually asking, not just polite asking) how things are. My closest friends are generally those I have spent an excessive amount of time with (in a good way :) ) and those that I can actually talk slightly beyond how good or the bad the weather is.

As for "feeling" the friendship...

The other day, I needed to know something quite desperately. It was a bit of an emergency. I called up a friend and asked for something rather out of the blue and I'm sure, a bit curious. What really, really meant a lot to me was that this friend, despite not knowing the context and the situation, without anyone questions asked, helped me to find the answer straigth away. There was none of this wanting to knwo the story / finding out the gossip / ulterior secret motives junk. It was a, no questions asked, I believe this is important information you need right now, and did something that meant a lot to me.

Another example. A little while ago, a friend of mine had to make a decision on the spot. Again, out of the blue, I gave a 2 second opinion - there was, once again, no time to ask questions, but surprisingly, the friend decided to take the advice on board, no questions asked. Afterwards, I did go about justifying my opinion, and, fortunately, was an opinion that this person agreed with but was previously unaware of, and thus, it worked out in the end. While I'm glad it worked out, it was a time when I "felt" friendship - in this, "no questions asked" situation.

I am, by no means, saying that this is easy. In fact, for myself, it is very difficult for me not to ask questions. There's only a very select few people that, if they told me I should jump off the ship (say because a giant boulder was falling on top of the ship but i didnt realize), I would actually do it. I have been told I need to learn to trust easier by many people.

Not all friendships can be saved. Some friendships, even if saving is possible, really just aren't worth the effort. I am thankful for the friends I have out there that I can count on. Not count on in every way - that's too much to ask for a single mortal being, but even in the small ways, such as the "no questions asked" ways, - thanks.

Raindrops forming.

Not the pretty kind.
Not the kind that forms rainbows after.
Not the kind that gives the nice smell of rain after.

The kind that leads to thunder, the kind that leads to a storm.
The kind that destroys buildings, kills people, breaks apart homes.

Dark clouds forming.
Walk in the rain, jump in the puddles.
Splish, splash, splish, splosh...

October 6, 2008.

Kate Miller-Heidke. I'm her latest fan. I enjoyed her songs more than Colbie's.

Motivation levels - low to non-existent.

Things I look forward to: Buying a new camera (an aside - war between Nikon and Canon still on, so if anyone has particular inclinations either way, suggestions would be appreciated), finishing red blood cells forever, finishing MBR forever, the last thing.... is .. a secret.

Needing some words of wisdom, a couple of punches, and someone to boss me around, make all my decisions for me and tell me exactly what to do.

DEAL.

A or B.

A or B. C or D. No one really cares. No one really minds. IT'S ALL LETTERS OF THE ALPHABET.

1 or 2. 3 or 4. NO ONE CARES. GET OVER IT.

$@*&(!!